BPDFamily.com

Hi all, I'm writing to get a sense from you about what I can do to help my partner of 6 months, or how to help myself within our relationship.

A bit of background - we've been together 6 months. We were just friends when he came to visit me where I was living, then just never left. I love him and I think he's a great person - he is extremely smart, funny, gregarious and open-minded. However, about two weeks into our relationship, I started to notice some of his other tendencies and behaviours, which have escalated (or maybe he is just more comfortable showing them to me now):

He gets extremely enraged over trivial things I don't even notice until he blows up. Sometimes they are things I do without realizing it will make him upset. Once I do something to upset him, I always remember not to do it again, and try so hard to make sure that nothing I do can set him off, however sometimes they are things I can't control.

He also hits himself in front of me sometimes. It makes me really upset to see him harming himself and usually I cry or try to leave the room, but he says that he likes me to stay near to him because it makes him feel better. This was more frequent at the beginning of the relationship, now he doesnt do it as much, but he says I am harming him more and he feels worse because i am "oppressing him" due to my emotional reaction, and he feels like i will leave him if he keeps doing it.

He isn't diagnosed with BPD (or if he is, he hasn't shared that with me), but he also exhibits the other hallmarks/characteristics. His emotions shift rapidly from feeling like he doesn't want to live anymore, to elation, to rage very quickly, sometimes going through all of these multiple times a day.

I am alright with him expressing his feelings, but he also tends to be very controlling, or I perceive him as such. I travel a lot for my job (50% of the time) and in his ideal world, I would spend the other 50% with him. When I want to see my friends or family, he gets upset and says that i don't love him, I'm not prioritizing him, I'm hurting him and damaging our relationship. I think it may be part of a "fear of abandonment." It is really extreme, we fight about it often, and I often end up giving in to what he wants to make him happy. It feels to me that even if I gave him 110% of my time it wouldn't be enough for him. And it's not that I don't want to spend time with him, it's just that I have other priorities I need to balance with him.

He doesn't work and has much more free time than me, which I think contributes to his feeling like I'm not with him enough. I think he is a perfectionist and doesn't like to start things unless he has total feeling like he will have all the time and energy to get them done accommodating his likely mood swings and musings.

He is always telling me I am perfect (not true, of course), that I'm beautiful (I have told him I don't really think this is true and also don't need to be complimented constantly either) and that he'll never leave me (which i always say is an unrealistic promise he doesnt need to make). I think these things reflect more what he wants to hear than how he feels sometimes.

Anyway, something came up recently in which he told me he cheated on me, and something else private that he did, which he previously told me that he hadn't done. I wasn't that upset by the cheating, but he was - he was crying a lot and had clearly been feeling awful about it.

This led to a discussion about honesty. I told him that I didn't feel like I could trust him because he wasn't being open with me 100% (this predated the cheating). He then said that he does lie to me, when I ask him things that "have nothing to do with me" and that I'm not "entitled" to know. I understand and respect that all individuals have private lives and partners don't need to know everything about each other. I suggested that he could just tell me he "doesn't want to talk about that", or that the "question isn't appropriate", rather than lie. He said no, because that response would indicate that there is something he is hiding. So I said he was a liar (I shouldn't have said that), and he said it was the worst thing I ever said to him, 2 minutes after literally telling me that he does lie to me! I said it was hard to continue to invest in this relationship if I feel like he is not being genuine.

Somehow this conversation was the most difficult we have ever had. I have this intuitive feeling that he is "in disguise" or wearing a mask somehow, and that it is very rare that I get to see his unguarded essence. I said that to him, and he said he couldn't be open to someone who doesn't prioritize him (even though I am moving to another country to be with him), is always leaving (I don't control my work travel schedule, which is a challenge for him), and oppresses him (because I get upset sometimes when he freaks out/gets angry, even when it's not about me). Somehow I came away with the feeling that it's my fault, even though intellectually I know it is something within him.

I am not sure if he has BPD or is just not a nice person. I think he does have BPD though. He is not willing to go to therapy because he is trying to become a citizen of another country and is worried the government would find out. He does agree he needs it, and says he will go once he becomes a citizen. 

Sorry this post is so long. I have already read "stop walking on eggshells" and a few other BPD books, but this is my first time posting on a forum for people who may have experienced similar things with loved ones.

What are some of the ways that you all cope when your loved ones freak out? Does anything you have done help them calm down/avoid freaking out (I'm especially interested in the experiences of people whose BPD-partners are not in therapy)? Has anyone had luck in getting their loved to go to therapy? I'm just trying to see if there is anything I can do. Otherwise I'm not sure I can stay in this relationship.

*welcome*


Sounds like you have quite a relationship on your hands and are starting to realize the impact of a partner that doesn't control emotions very well.

How was it decided that he would "never leave"?  How long was he supposed to visit when he initially came?

To answer some of your questions, yes there are things you can do, however I would suggest the focus be more on what he is willing to do for the relationship. 

Do you guys have an open relationship? 

Best,

FF