BPDFamily.com

Hey friends,

Sorry for double posting today but I just wanted to update you guys, in case you read my post earlier today (“The Switch”).

I won’t go into all the details in this post but basically my boyfriend messaged me today and said “do we even love each other?” And when I pressed for more information and was basically like “HUH?”, he ignored me for hours.

I hate to admit that I totally freaked out and was all over the map. I was sending him desperate messages, angry ones, pathetic ones, all of which went unanswered. I was feeling devastated because I am so, so tired of being ignored/stonewalled when things get hard between us. NOTHING triggers my anxiety more than being ignored.

Finally, in the evening, I realized my car key had fallen as i was getting out of the car and I was locked out of my car in -45C weather. I texted him again to jokingly just say “if I die, these are my last words to you lol”.

He wrote me back a few times to ask if I was safe and if I was okay.

Once the situation was sorted and I was back home, he messaged me again to make sure I was alright. Then he sent the following:

“I wish I wasn't stupid and stubborn and stop allowing myself to push you away in moments of extreme admiration for you and when thinking about our future... And how I would be happy if we weren't fighting anymore because I miss you”

So THEN, I took a deep breath and said something I was really scared to say. I knew i could totally backfire any progress we had made but I decided I needed to stand up for myself and say some truth:

“ I wish the same things. Ignoring someone on purpose is emotionally abusive. It has to stop. There's no excuse for it anymore.

At the same time, I know I need to react differently and not panic so much. I know I need to learn to give you your space and have more empathy when you're feeling these things.”

I waited nervously and here was his reply:

“I’m sorry. I realised those things and I'm working on it. Ignoring someone is emotionally abusive. And you don't deserve it... some things trigger me. It's usually when times are best that I just sabotage them like this. It's almost like the times I love you the most are the most frightening”

We’re still talking it out but look at that! I feel like some progress has been made from both of us, even if it’s just acknowledging the problem and promising to work on it- it feels like big steps!

That is really promising, paperinkart! |iiii

Keep talking through it and working on yourself. Be aware that if he dysregulates, a lot of that progress could go temporarily out the window. Not trying to be a killjoy, just a little heads-up because I've had similar things happen with my H. But when he comes back to baseline, it's usually all good again. As my therapist says, progress isn't linear. There will be steps back. But the overall trajectory should be up.

I'll bet that felt so good to get such a positive response!

Love that you're talking through this with emotionally centered responses. Ozzie offered really wise insight about progress not being linear. The texts give you something to go back to when there is dysregulation.  :hug:

I'm happy for you!  :love-it:
pj