BPDFamily.com

Is superficiality a feature of BPD?


It seems to me that in the beginning of our relationship, my ex really liked to find a certain depth in conversations. Over the years that seemed to become more and more of a burden and irritation. The things we discussed and did seemed to become more empty. Do you recognize that? Greetings Bo

Absolutely. It is also a feature of other personality disorders like NPD. One of the frustrations of many people who have relationships and/or family members with BPD, is the person with BPD acts normal in public, and only acts badly when alone with those they are closest to. I was raised in a family with many members with BPD and have been challenged by being attracted to friends and relationships with superficial people. I now carefully observe whether the body language, words, and actions match. If I am feeling like I am being put on a pedestal by a person, I know this is superficial, and at some point if I get close to this person, I will get trashed by them. People with BPD and NPD often pretend to have the same interests and values  as you do, when you first meet them. It is only over time, that you realize that they are really empty people and you have little in common with them. I am not surprised that your ex got tired of pretending to be interested in the things you are. How do you feel now that you realize this?

Hey, thanks for your reaction. How does it feel to me to realize that? I feel a little fooled. And I'm just thinking about how I've seen and experienced things. And the more I look back, the more I see there's more and more superficiality. And that when I looked for some depth, I was seen as a nag. Actually, as a person, I was more and more often seen as too much. "Don't be a bother." And more and more attention went to compulsive behavior. So instead of talking about development, more and more coercion was checked with me. And if I didn't respond well enough to that reassuringly, I wouldn't be interested. And then I was disappointing as a person. I just didn't get through a lot. I thought it was all very normal and thought a lot was up to me. I also got a lot to blame. I'm also checking things through this site. Greetings Bo

This is a topic I've given a lot of thought to over the years. In the beginning of my relationship with my uBPDw she seemed to have many of the same interests as me. I've always loved to try different ethnic foods and new restaurants- so did she. I loved hiking and being outdoors- so did she. I loved working out regularly and staying fit- so did she...etc., etc.

I learned very quickly that she really didn't care for doing any of these things. I slowly started giving up a lot of things that made me happy, because I'd get guilt tripped by her to not do them. She always had a reason why we couldn't do them and if I tried to do the things I enjoyed doing without her, I'd get an even bigger guilt trip about that. Over the years, I've slowly started regaining control over my life and setting boundaries with her. I definitely still pick my battles, but I'm no longer putting my health and well-being on the back burner for her.

When I try to think about it, I really have no clue what my wife enjoys doing. She's a baseball fan and is a die-hard fan for her team and loves going to their games. Other than that, I can't think of any interests/hobbies/etc. that seem to bring her any sort of satisfaction. Over the years I've watched many times as she's morphed into the people she's around. She seems to always have the same interests and views on life with whoever she happens to be around at the time. I feel like she really has no identity of her own. I see the same character trait in her mom as well.

Hard to put into words what I see sometimes, but my ubpd traits SIL appears restrained, has flatness of character, reduced curiosity/enquiring mind about life, mental rigidity/lack of conversation depth, disinterested in controversial topics which would normally stimulate conversation, lacking in some kind of exuberance and 'colour'. She is however an intelligent woman, successful in her career...works with directors and shows flair when she does engage in something that is pushed in her direction, that she maybe wouldn't seek out herself. Maybe she only shows this character rigidity/flatness with me and my brother experiences something different...I don't know. There's probably something more interesting buried underneath somewhere but she can't reach it. My brother being enmeshed with her and under her influence shows signs of identity loss and disappearing authenticity.


Poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another