BPDFamily.com

Hello.  I'm entering a relationship with someone who is divorced from a high-conflict relationship.  She is parallel parenting her two young children, boy age 9 and girl age 6.  She and her ex have a 50/50 child sharing arrangement that seems to be going relatively well with a few minor dust-ups.  However, I see some potential relationship core value conflict challenges as I am integrated into the family with her children.  I'm looking for step-parenting / parenting resources including books, webinars, on-line resources, podcasts...etc to help us with parenting at a united team.  I know I have to tread lightly and go slow.  I have four children of my own who are launched and doing well.  I have no specific issues to detail at this time, just looking for resources and advice as I integrate.  Thank you.  jdc

Hi!

We have some great articles on this site related to co-parenting and parenting.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

And here is a book list:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56211.msg517778#msg517778

See what you think.  I hope you find those resources helpful.

jdc,

Good idea to do some homework.  If you have any thing you want to bring to the boards there are a lot of us who are step parents.

Panda39

I'm so impressed that you're being proactive. I seem to like to jump in the deep end before wondering if I'm prepared ...

What are some of the core value conflict challenges you foresee?

(Btw it's nice to hear you have successfully launched four kids!)

Thank you all for the replies.  I'll go check out the links and I'm sure I'll find something helpful there.  I lurk regularly on this board, and occasionally on the others.  Reading the adventures of the step parents has been really helpful in understanding the possible challenges we may be facing.  I've just been introduced to her kids and they seem very nice. We've discussed her parenting challenges for a while now (over a year) so we've been discussing how to transition me more fully into her and their lives.  Some examples.  She used to cook separate meals for each child.  Her son in particular would make a production of not liking what was presented for dinner.  I gently suggested it was a power play from her children and she's now cooking one meal and they can enjoy it or not.  The kids misbehave in the car for her by fighting with each other including physical contact.  It's a show by them for her attention I believe, but she's not found an effective way to provide action oriented discipline.  I suggested she just pull off the road and wait, and when things quiet down, ask them if it's OK if she drives without all of their distractions.  She's not been able to manage that...yet.  The kids "sneak" food (like cookies) when they know they are not supposed to.  Mostly little stuff at this point, but I want to avoid conflicts between me and her about parenting as much as possible.  The relationship is great.  Really, really great actually.  I consider team parenting as the biggest rock on our journey towards fully integrating our lives.  Thanks again for taking the time to respond.  jdc   

JDC, it's a slippery slope being a step parent.  I am finding my way with my SS.  H had made some comments about how he didn't agree with how I parented our other kids and just went along with it all these years.  So, I took kind of a back seat with SS now that he's with us half the time.  H is slowly leaning on me more to parent SS the same way we parented our girls.  So, it's basically been gently reminding him of how it could/should be done, letting him try it his way, see that it isn't working, and asking me to step in and help.  I have no doubt that H will completely abandon his ideas and start to put more firm boundaries in place with SS.  He has such guilt over SS and what his life is like with his BPD mom that he overcompensates and lets SS dictate.  And I started watching Supernanny with H which is silly, but it has reminded H of a lot of things.  I think the guilt is what truly has guided him in being so lax and not parenting the way he knows is best for his son and everyone to have a balanced life. 

The other day, my D11 told me that she is going to parent the way I do because she's turned out pretty good.  :)  She is constantly pointing out to things to my H that he's doing wrong with SS.  It's sad that even D11 recognizes when SS is taking advantage of H and manipulating him. 

I assume your gf is parenting out of guilt as well.  And, at times, it does feel easier to just give in.  I suggest just offering the small things you have been and letting your role grow organically.  I also think you need to be ready for the backlash of her ex.  Step parents are the mortal enemy of the BPD and they have no problem disparaging us and making life even more difficult since we are involved.  Our BPD firmly believes that I am the cause of all of this and her life would be perfect if I had just divorced my H and let him leave our D's and me forever without a thought. 

Do you think her ex is engaging in any type of alienation tactics with the kids?

That's the really serious side of coparenting when one parent has a PD. It is a form of nearly invisible abuse that require skills most of us don't find intuitive.

If the ex has a PD, it is almost guaranteed that there will be some degree of alienation, which tends to undermine the trust, love, and authority of the non-PD parent. 

LNL, the only alienation so far are disparaging remarks to the children about their mother.  Quite a few initially after the initial separation for two months.  After a particular bad set of comments from the children, an email was sent reminding him the separation agreement was clear that both parents were not to disparage each other to the children.  After the email was sent the disparaging remarks seemed to have stopped for the most part.  Hard to tell with young kids and she makes it a point to just listen if the kids bring things up. Plus, she's improving on validating the kids feelings which helped a lot.  jdc