BPDFamily.com

Hello,
 I hope this isn't too long. Thank you for reading
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I've been in a partnership with someone with BPD, for well over 6 months. It took us a while but we finally reached a secure attachment and felt our relationship had evolved. It was truly a loving relationship and both of us are in the health fields and have done alot of personal work and are well read people. The challenge we had was that we both have core issues with abandonment, but I do not have BPD. We had reached a point where the secureness felt so tight that I decided I needed to tell my partner that something he was repeatedly doing was starting to cause a fear response in me. He often would ask me questions, sometimes intensely about stuff he felt that didn't add up. They could be about anything from why I ocked the door this time, to all kinds of things.. but bottomline is he's looking for signs of abandonment or betrayal. I am not the most consistent person, and I struggle with boundaries. I approached him to talk about this in the safest manner I could. I told him I loved him very much and I needed to talk about the questioning as it was starting to give me a fear response. He listened and I thought things were ok on departure. But then he completely pulled away, which caused my abandonment anxiety to erupt and I reached out to get answers on why I was shut out. He became very aloof and business like in our texts. We spent a few days texting, he said he got the sense that I wanted more autonomy, and that I only wanted him on my terms, that he wasn't allowed to ask questions on what I was doing when we weren't together.  He said my actions were crazy making. This was all inaccurate and I explained that. I thought we had a chance to amend our relationship, but he continued to disconnect from me. The uncertainty became soo painful for me, I asked him to please tell me if he was thinking of ending it. Then he called and said yes, his intuition was telling him this was a dangerous relationship and it wasn't an easy decision but he had to leave. I am so heatbroken as I try to understand why a relationship so intimate, loving and supportive could now be a source of his pain and unsafety.  It was like he could exit the relationship overnight, because I wanted to be heard over an issue we were having, nevermind all the good things we had and work we had done to overcome other conflicts. He even said he was pretty happy how we were able to navigate conflict. I've done alot of reading on trauma, so I feel like I can hold space for someone pretty well. He was my best friend and lover. Now I question my own reality ; Did this person ever love me at all?
Thanks for your help and guidance.

I had a similar situation. My gf split up with me in November. Everything was going great and then boom dumped. Looking back there were signs. She had actually started withdrawing some months earlier. The suddenness while shocking makes sense when dealing with a fear of intimacy. They run and hide as they dont want to get hurt and by staying in the relationship they know they will get more emotionally entwined making the inevitable split (in their mind) all the more painful.

Its not that we were bad people quite the opposite.

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, it's traumatic how fast the relationship was over. He has been in long term relationships for several years before, but my sense is the relationships may have been less intimate than this one. So maybe he felt more safe? But he wanted deep intimacy, and that's what I gave him. At least I thought I did.
But I'm so confused I'm not sure what is what anymore...

Hi Nordic,

This is quite similar to what I experienced. My BPD ex has been in a previous relationship for 3 years, but in her words she cut it off when she got diagnosed and into therapy and realized she didn't need him anymore to 'take care of her like a broken little bird' . It eliminated the foundation of their relationship.

I believe I have been her most serious relationship since, and she repeatedly stated that she has never experienced such intimacy and 'opening up' with a partner before. Interestingly enough, that of course also made her drop her mask/appeasing persona and expose her more detrimental behaviour/traits. While we all have good and bad traits, for BPD's it's hard to come to terms with their own because they are often deep down convinced they are unloveable as a person. As such, true intimacy may very well scare the PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) out of them because it's so confrontational. It's hard to drop barriers that have protected them for so long.

Hi Nordic

My exs exs weren't what you would expect. Not anywhere near the same intellectual level and all either heavy drinkers or drug users. I didn't understand this at first and was hurt that they lasted longer than me but now I realise that they were safe. She knew there was no future so didn't get emotionally involved.