BPDFamily.com

Being in my 70s and having a BPD for a wife is a double whammy, if you will. I have been married to her for almost 20 years, with her going from super sweet to being super malicious and back and forth we go. I have gotten counseling mostly to cope with her swinging moods and her manipulation and her abuse.

I am super active with exercising, writing, teaching, tutoring, having a positive attitude, along with having some typical medical issues. Nevertheless, my memory has been very clear. In fact, I make it a point to see shows like "Jeopardy", learning on Duolingo, and different other kinds of apps.

Last night, she prepared a nice dinner, and I afterward put the dishes in the sink, seeing that she doesn't like how I clean the dishes. This morning, she said that I didn't put a dish into the sink, that I left it at the dining room table, which is absolutely false! I definitely did put the dish into the sink. So, during the day today, she made me doubt myself, but I have come to the conclusion that she is being manipulative again, just so that she can feel superior and thus making me feel inferior.

I have loved her with all of my heart and have done a lot for her. She would say she has felt the same way if you were to ask her; however, the way she has been manipulative and abusive over the years including this self-doubt episode makes me wonder how pure she really is. She rarely asks about my day while she complains or brags about her day. If I share with her about my day or if something really good happened during the day with one of my students, all she will say is: "that's nice" and resume talking about herself.

So, how do you folks deal with your BPD's manipulation and abuse?

Hi, this might give you a start.  It’s about Stopping the Bleeding.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0

It’s at least a start.  We have to learn to act and stop reacting.  Not easy, but it will make a difference over time.  There’s additional articles and you can use the Bing search tool in the upper left under Groups to search by topics.

Welcome!

Welcome to the family, Simon! :hi:

2Loyal2Long has a good recommendation there.

I know what you're talking about. Once my H, while dysregulating, kept insisting that I had put some leftovers in a container with a red lid. Opened the refrigerator to "prove it." There was no such container in there. So, he demanded, "You show me where the container with the red lid isn't!" That's not a typo. :( It's bewildering and frustrating.

Sometimes it comes down to their "facts = feelings" mindset. If a person with BPD is feeling upset or insecure or ashamed or something like that, they will often twist the facts to fit/justify whatever it is they're feeling at that moment. It's not necessarily a conscious thing. They often genuinely believe what they're saying.

One thing I would recommend highly is self-care. Do you do things you enjoy? Spend time with friends and family? Take part in hobbies? Things that "fill your cup" so to speak? That's a really key part of managing things like this.

When she gets like this -- makes an assertion that you know isn't true -- how do you usually respond?

I left, don't have to put up with it anymore. These days, at the first red flags of any kind of disrespect, dishonesty, manipulation, etc., with anyone, they are gone from my life. Immediately. I don't play the games anymore.

Can't offer advice, but the dishes and not ever caring about your day sound spot on to my situation.

In the first month or so of our relationship we had a nice dinner at her house, really good. We're enjoying the food and wine, alls good and lovely. I get up, take the dishes to the sink in order to be a helpful and appreciative guest, and she suddenly snaps  angrily at me "What are you doing? Stop!" I say, what? I'm just taking care of the dishes. "Don't stack them like that! It gets the bottoms dirty!" Oh my god..just stop! Put them back on the table!" Massively confused and shocked, I put them back on the table. Later, I say let's go to the living room and sit on the couch. She gets super angry, jumps up with the dishes and starts angrily rinsing them in the sink. I'm stunned. I say...can I help? She barks at me something like "you don't want to to help". I tell her I do want to help. She says "Do you think I like to wake up to dirty dishes in the morning?" I say no, I don't think that. Then she barks "And WHO PUTS dirty dishes back on the table!". I say you told me to, she gets more mad.

And for the last 10 months, never asked anything about my day, or if she does it's very rote and she says 'that's nice". I'd say 98% of our conversations over the last 10 months have been about her, her life, her son, and her ex-husband. Of those, 99% is about her ex-husband and what a narcissist he is. I always support her and tel her how great she is and how bad he is.

But, she turned very mean to me the week of December 17 and quit responding to texts and calls, I saw her at a show on the 21st and she insulted me multiple times, rudely and with sarcasm, in front of her Mom, Dad, sister and niece, then left for Christmas at their house (after saying she was inviting me up the week before, after her Mom and Dad asked me when I was coming up...had to say I don't know) without even communicating at all for two days. So I was left here for Christmas alone, with her present sitting in a bag next to me. On Christmas Eve she texted "tired. going to take some time to recalibrate". Haven't spoken to her since Dec 21.