BPDFamily.com

It's been a while since I last visited these boards. Things have been quiet for the most part despite a few other crisis' (non-bpd related), so today's blow up really caught me off guard.

For the past 4 years, I've been accused of cheating on my dBDPw, although I never have. It's an incredibility sore spot for me, so every time an accusation gets lobbed my way, it sits inside my head and festers, no matter what I say or do. Each false accusation feels like a cut into the same wound, each instance takes longer for me to heal. It's gotten to the point where I watch my every step, making sure nothing can be misconstrued as any sort of affair sign. It's a self made prison. She gave me the bricks, and I built the walls. I have zero interest in another woman and zero interest in leaving her. Yet, I go through my days worried that the woman's perfume next to me on a packed train is going to rub off on my clothes (happened a few times), worried each time my phone rings or a text message comes in that w is thinking I'm hiding something, worried anytime I want a little privacy w thinks I doing something I shouldn't be. That's just to name a few, not to mention the dozens of other paramaters I've forced myself to live within. It is a large part of my life. Every time I leave the house without w, I take one of my kids, just so there will be no questioning. I haven't hung out with a friend in over two years, because the aftermath just isn't worth it.

If I were to tell w this, it would get so twisted, I would wind up believing I'm actually cheating. Part of my dance between the raindrops is to answer the phone everytime w calls, or stop what I'm going to call back ASAP. My job is very intense and stressful, but I make time for this phone thing at the expense of work to save an accusation. Which leads to this morning...

I got to work my normal time and just dived right into it. Normally I'm the first to text or call w in the morning but lately some child issues has made those morning communications a little earlier and initiated by w. Today, I happened to just look at my phone to check the time and noticed a missed call from w a minute ago. It's common for me to not to feel the vibration (I can't put the ringer on my phone at work). I called her back right away and right away I was met with super aggression, from the "Hello".

I asked her was was going on and she told me she spend the past hour dealing my youngest melting down about not wanting to go to school. She said she called me an hour prior and I had sent it straight to voicemail, and she called me again and didn't pick up. I told her I didn't sned the call to VM, I never "felt" the call and it didn't show up on the missed call thing. She then continued yelling about how I did hang up and she knows how phones work, etc. I told her again, annoyed, that I didn't get the call, only the one from a minute ago. She then started with the vague accusations, the accusing without accusing thing, then blamed me for shifting the conversation from her morning to the phone call.

What? She did that!

She then told me she was tired of always having to question everything and she didn't care what I was doing, which seemed a little contradictory but I digress, but by that time I was fed up. She called me angry and yelling, then accused me of doing something I shouldn't be, blamed me for shifting the conversation or her yelling at me, it wasn't really a conversation. I just got fed up. I'm under an incredible amount of stress at work, having some issues with our children, and then getting a call like that, I lost it. While she was yelling I stopped trying to be calm and started talking over her about how I was tired of always being questioned about everything single thing I do, she then yelled louder and then completely off the deep end, just screaming at the top of her lungs, so loud I didn't catch a single word she said, and she hung up on me (which is a giant pet peeve of mine). I threw the phone on the floor and just took a second to sit down and try make sense of the past 3 minutes. Which, of course, is in vain because it's all so out of left field and my temper is flaring.

That was 2 hours ago.

I have not called or texted her back, and she's done the same.

Once that wave of initial anger had passed, I did what I always do, looked at it all being my fault. Thinking about how I'm going to make this right because I shouldn't have behaved that way. Which then got me mad again. Why am I always the one at fault, no matter what? What about this situation did I really do wrong to warrant ANY of that outburst? Why am I going to be "punished" for however long W deems necessary, and feel like utter $#%^ the whole time? Forever living in guilt without ever doing the crime.

Not that a few hours have passed, I still feel pissed at this whole thing. And like I do everytime, I'm 100% consumed by it. I don't know what to do at this point. Do I call and more than probably get into another endless non-resolution fight? Or play the silent game until I get home from work where it's unbelievably tense and uncomfortable and have the fight where I'm made to feel less then and it's all my fault? Like usual, I'll try and fight back, but in the end, just concede, swallow a little more pride and take the blame and have that tension filled awkwardness for the next week and half.

I'm tired. So tired.

Hi.  sorry for the delayed response.

I remember being in those sorts of arguments with my ex and they were incredibly frustrating and hard to not replay over and over again. 

How did it go last night when you got home?  Did you end up calling her first?  You said you usually fight back.  Can you tell us more?  Generally fighting back does not work and only escalates and perpetuates the conflict.  There are other, better and more protective and productive ways to respond that can help you and over time may help your relationship with your wife.

I hope you post more.  I also hope that you come here as often as you can even when things are calmer at home.  I get the greatest benefit from posting when I am in a calmer and more centered place rather than in crisis.   :hug: