BPDFamily.com

Rev's thread got me thinking about this https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342237.0.

In my own case, there was one: it was an old flame that never quite worked out despite a couple attempts.  I dated her a few months before I met my eventual XW.  She had reached out to me while I was married, and while I responded politely, I ignored any further contact, but it made me wonder if I had chosen "the wrong one." 

Well, after my divorce I reached out to her, and we started talking again.  We made tentative plans to see eachother (we lived in different cities), but when I reached out with actual travel dates, she blew me off, claiming it sounded like I would be too busy doing other things to actually spend time with her.  red-flag red-flag red-flag

I went anyway to see some old friends, and she contacted me just before that weekend to ask if I still wanted to hang out (I had a feeling she would; red flag #2).  We ended up spending a lot of time together, and she wanted to come see me very soon, asked me to send a picture of us together, etc.  She even bought a plane ticket, though it was cancellable. 

But when time for her visit got close, she started calling me with unusual issues that didn't quite add up, like she suddenly had a court date for a traffic ticket she forgot to mention, for that weekend that she couldn't change (unlikely), and kept getting unusually angry when I tried to suggest alternatives  red-flag red-flag red-flag.  I started to recognize "a pattern" here; she was searching for a way to blame ME for her cancelling the trip! 

I remembered why we didn't work out, and recognized some of the similar traits my BPDxw had - lots of failed prior relationships, no accountability for her actions, an abusive childhood, among other  red-flag red-flag red-flag.  I wondered why I hadn't remembered those things.

Anyways, as she was going on about how she was now "questioning whether I really wanted to see her" I laughed and said "This all sounds too familiar" which set her off more... after we hung up, we exchanged a couple texts, and I told her I thought it was best if we just moved on, cancelled the trip, and good luck with life.

Then I blocked her on everything so I wouldn't have to listen to any more re-writing history, blaming me, etc. when she decided to recycle it. 

Progress.  Baby steps. 

Yes.

A few years ago, a young, cute single mother who was a security guard at work.  She was friendly, genuinely, to everybody.  I shared with her my BPD stories and she shared with me hers... like how she probably needed medication and stories of her ex-con boyfriend where she was the other woman. And the drama with her weird mother and aunt living with them and her long suffering grandma.  She was flirty, but no thanks.  I loaned her $250 for rent and she paid me back on time. I met her in a nearby strip mall and she needeled me for not telling me where I lived. She was always trying to connect play dates with our kids.  No.

She got pregnant by another guy within a year. She brought the baby by our work, having kept in contact with a few others. I missed it. I received a few texts but ignored them and never put her in my contacts. No drama is my mantra.

100%. From my perspective...all my training and education with human behavior has helped quite a bit, but until you are in the fire and you gain real world experience you just cannot understand it or simulate it. The experience from my ex wife helped me keep myself at a distance from the last woman I was involved with and I was able to prevent myself getting into a bad situation. My boundaries were and are quite strong and since she couldn't get me to buy into her bullsh*t she sought out an easier mark.

I would also like to take the opportunity to bring up this thread from the past as a very valuable resource.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all

Cheers!

-SC-

for sure.

for example, my ex was a very jealous person. i always thought jealousy and insecurity were something i could handle. i cant, and i dont want to, i find it unattractive and smothering. my exs jealousy also drove her to invade my privacy frequently, something i need my share of in a relationship.

anyone can be jealous of course, and sometimes its a reasonable reaction, but pathological, intense jealousy, and invasion of privacy are the kinds of things i keep far away from.

personally though, i have found that productive and healthy dating requires more than knowing what you want to avoid. it requires knowing what you want in a partner, being a person that can attract it, and having the skills to nurture and grow it when you find it.

when you have those things, you naturally filter out what you want to avoid.

I've carried a fair amount of paranoia from the experience with my BPDex into my new relationship. I question things that are completely normal in a relationship, and I will get anxiety if my new partner says something that reminds me of my BPDex.

I'm not at all discounting BPD traits that should be red flags. I'm just saying that my view is excessively jaded by my past experience. It helps to have a therapist to bounce things off of, and help provide a reality check.

dt9000

About two and two and a half years ago I went on date #2 with a woman and she used the word soulmate in reference to me. Needless to say we didn't make it to date #3.

Sure!  A few years ago, I met someone that claimed to be my soulmate just based on talking to them.  They displayed a bunch of red flags, so I reached out to mutual friends.  They warned me that she wasn't the most stable person, so I moved on.

Yes it has - not in the personal relationship department because that has not come up as a problem. I have a new relationship with a woman who was once a solid friend. We have done this "old school" and grown into this relationship through lots of talk and even have a designated spot to talk things out as they arise.

In my work place, where I deal with people and people problems all day long, my relationship to my exBPDw has been a huge asset. When I come up against toxic and manipulative people now, particularly the people I serve, I like to joke with myself that I have been trained by the best!

No more consternation or losing sleep. Simply saying "no" and meaning it goes a long way. One thing I really learned is that once you ignore the first small red flag, you have to ignore the next one, and then the next one. You're being groomed and only too willing to unconsciously follow the program without knowing it really.

As I told my T, at one point things became just true enough with her that I didn't want them to be true. Today, I can recognize that feeling in me.

Thanks for this.

AND SC - thanks for that thread.  What A list!

Have a good night all.

Rev

I've definitely had to deal with similar issues.  fortunately I met someone who is very understanding; she's dealt with conflicts in a way I forgot was possible. 

I had come to expect all romantic relationships to be absolute scorched-earth campaigns, with each partner trying to take all they could get.  5 1/2 years of marriage to a pwBPD warped my thinking

I honestly forgot that a simple request like "Hey I didn't like this, please stop doing it" could be handled with an apology and calm discussion (I had been bracing for a full blown fight, denials, deflections, the blame game, etc.)

"I honestly forgot that a simple request like "Hey I didn't like this, please stop doing it" could be handled with an apology and calm discussion (I had been bracing for a full blown fight, denials, deflections, the blame game, etc.)" This is perhaps the most important thing to take away here...cluster b relationships definitely prime you to expect the worst so when you deal with someone normal who shows respect, reciprocity, and empathy you start to believe it is too good to be true and you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The good news...if you made it out alive and survived a cluster b then the prospects of you having a more fulfilling and happy relationship with a normal person are much higher. BTW...I am happy for you Pete. Good luck to you and may good fortune continue to come your way.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I didn't realize we were married to the same person...   I am in a new relationship now to someone with whom I was very good friends. We are able to have these once elusive calm discussions. I still get flashbacks and sometimes need to remind myself.

She's awesome.  We have a set place in the apartment where we talk things out - and we are allowed to talk things out only there. Really works.

Thanks for this thread.

Rev

I did MATCH.com for a while.  Stopped... same kind of reasons. Too many games.

I'm dating a former friend. Lacked the fireworks at the beginning.  Now... it's awesome in its depth and sincerity.

Rev

"I did MATCH.com for a while.  Stopped... same kind of reasons. Too many games.

I'm dating a former friend. Lacked the fireworks at the beginning.  Now... it's awesome in its depth and sincerity."

Friends before lovers...definitely the way to go. Microwave love and relationships are a waste of time, effort, and resources.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

"Microwave love," interesting way to term some relationships. 

I found it to be quite intriguing actually. It was an article I came across from a female therapist that was rather enlightening and it just stuck. I believe it was Linda Riley. The main point was about how microwave love misses out on real intimacy and discussing how people start to believe they are too damaged to be loved or love again. So the term microwave love is definitely not of my own innovation.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

LOL. There was a man that showed some interest in me some months back as part of a group I volunteer with. I personally didn't want to date during the divorce process, so that was that. I wasn't interested in dating, and my attorney strongly discouraged it. Over time, bits of the man's story came out, and I knew that he was a never-ever. I saw more and more flags that would be a no-go for me. A mutual friend commented once that she knows his ex-wives and that his relationships are all "complicated."

Well, he met someone online and had a whirlwind courtship. She came to visit and asked me about him, and I skirted the question because she seemed to know about his history, which was more than enough for me to be concerned, but apparently not enough for her. They married quickly, and then separated a few months later. How messy.

I agree that if I ever, it will be someone I already know and who is a friend already. Nothing online.