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I've decided to change from improving my relationship to just tolerating it, because I have been doing all the bending and turning while my wife just wants to complain and making it impossible to relate to her due to all of her complaining. To quote her, she gets irritated with herself that she is overdoing it. She works, goes to school which she doesn't have to do, cooks, and then gets sick, because she is overdoing it. She is choosing to go to school again, just to keep herself busy.

She doesn't like how I cook, because I don't clean well enough to her standards. So, she prefers to do the cooking. Then, she complains that she has to do so much. I buy salads, do a lot of our errands, pay most of the bills. I listen to her and thank her for what she does, but she mildly says thank you to me for what I do, but it is like it is something cordial, and that's it. Then, she complains up a storm!

On top of all that, due to being older, she dreads the day that she might have to be a caregiver to me, if and when I get ill, that it is going to cause her that much more stress in her life. She said just last night that she has been a caregiver all her life, to her younger siblings, to her first family, and possibly to me.

I keep myself healthy by exercising. I teach and tutor part-time. I play intelligent games on apps. I visit with friends and family. I write books. So, the chances of me becoming a dementia patient or extremely ill are lessened considerably. Nevertheless, she complains up a storm, such as I am doing now. The difference, however, is that I have wanted this relationship, this marriage, to work like she has felt, but she doesn't now. I personally believe she is keeping her distance so that she doesn't have to be hurt with the loss of anyone else in her life.

Thank you for letting me vent!

So, I am deeply frustrated with her.

Well, being in a relationship with a pwBPD is no picnic, but it can be made much more enjoyable. You sound like a very intelligent guy who is tiring of your wife's complaining. Understandable. No one wants to hear endless rants from their partner.

Have you seen this link about validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)?

We learn these communication techniques for BPD partners to make our lives easier.