BPDFamily.com

After 13 years of enduring emotional pain, my husband got diagnosed with BPD. There has been so much emotional damamged caused throughout the 13 years that at times, I doubt I will ever feel that love that once was there towards him. I care for him as I would a friend whom needs much support. Feeling used is a constant feeling in my relationship and I often feel spent. How do you set boundaries and not cause an explosive reaction?

Since his diagnosis, 2 months ago, there has been so much information to consider. I have read in this platform that their BPD has shown significant improvement within 2-3 years and that provides hope. I am curious to know what helped you through the difficult beginning stages of supporting your loved one with BPD.

Hi Kasandra and welcome! :hi:

You've come to the right place. We "get it" here and we support each other on this confusing journey.

What's helped me get through? This board, first and foremost. So much wisdom, support and advice to be found here. Also, therapy. I have an excellent therapist who has some experience with BPD so she's a great outlet and source of more information. Do you have a therapist?

Have you read our article about boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)? Here are a couple of things I've learned:
1) Setting a boundary doesn't mean you have to tell the other person you're setting it or even what it is. It can stay inside your own mind. When you act on it, you don't have to tell your H "This is a boundary." But, you do need to be consistent about enforcing and holding the line.

2) When you do enforce a boundary, even if you haven't had the "this is a boundary" discussion, you may very well get a very bad reaction.
I don't know if you have children or have spent much time around them, but think about a toddler used to getting his way. Usually, if he throws a fit, his parents will give in and he gets whatever he wants. Parents decide to make some changes. When the child wants a cookie before dinner, Mom says no. Child throws a fit. Mom doesn't give in. What's going to happen? The child's probably going to increase the intensity of the tantrum. Now, if Mom gives in at some point, she's taught Child that tantrums still work. If Mom holds firm, eventually Child figures out that this method no longer works and the tantrums will cease.
It's called an extinction burst. The same thing can happen with adults. If a behavior has worked for them in the past, they'll keep using it. If it stops working, they'll ramp up the intensity (most likely) but will move on if you hold firm.

So, to answer your question, you may not be able to avoid a big negative reaction. A lot of that depends on your relationship history, your H's level of self-awareness, timing, etc. But, if you hold firm to your boundaries, the negative reactions should decrease and disappear.

[Now, all this is assuming there's no history of violence because that can be a trickier situation. Has there been physical abuse?]

There are communication techniques that may be able to make things a bit smoother with boundaries and even just everyday communication.
If you haven't already, check out these articles and workshops:
SET (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)
DEARMAN (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)
Validation (https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

I've thrown a lot at you so take your time. I hope when you feel up to it, you'll take a look and let us know what you think -- also more about your relationship.

Again, welcome to the family! :hug:

Hi Kasandra  :hi:

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to BPDFamily, I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site here but I am glad that you decided to joins us there is hope. You'll find many members here that share similar experiences that can offer you guidance and support.


I'm sure that someone else will come a long with experience with a loved one with BPD and a diagnosis / treatment I can't speak for that because I found out about BPD after seperation and divorce but I can tell you this that there are many of us here that did not have boundaries or had floating bounaries.

There will be some push back at the beginning when you set boundaries because it's something new but eventually it will get better eventually there is no magic pill when it comes to this and what is different with a pwBPD is that they will retest the boundaries again at some point in the future. The good news is that you have a support group here to help you to set boundaries and when it is difficult there is always someone here for you.

I completely understand what it feels like when you feel like your are depleted when you have a pwBPD in your life that is not taking care of themselves it means that you are going to need boundaries ( which you mentioned ) and another thing is that you are going to need to take really good care of yourself, it's critically important especially when you have a loved one with BPD.

What do you do for self care?

What does it mean to take care of yourself? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0)

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)