BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone!

I’m so glad I found this site. This is my first post so going to write a little bit about my relationship and then something we have going on now that I’d love some words of wisdom on.

I have recently started seeing a therapist and when I began describing my partner and some of her behaviors she said she shows traits of a pwBPD, although she can’t officially diagnose without meeting her. She is very familiar with the disorder and loves working with patients who have it, which I hear can be rare in the therapy world. She recommended that I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and focus more on the traits and see if they apply. I checked the box on all but 2 of the qualifiers. I was convinced that this is what she has. She’s been in therapy for over 10 years and has been diagnosed with depression, PMDD, being a highly sensitive person, and PTSD. But not one therapist has hinted at BPD. My T told me that it can be hard to diagnose. I’m very happy that I have found a T that is familiar with BPD.

My partner’s mood can dramatically fluctuate, when I rarely get to go out of town to see my family or a friend, some sort of crisis usually happens on her end that I end up devoting all of my time to or she gets upset if I don’t check in enough. So I spend all my time worrying about not upsetting her instead of being present with my family/friends. I get scared to even plan things anymore b/c it just seems kind too much of a hassle. I have a trip planned to see my brother and dad in Feb and am honestly dreading it bc I’m worrying about what she will get mad at me about or what personal crisis will come up on her end. Any suggestions on how to be there for her and help her feel safe while I’m gone while still enjoying my time with my family? I’m constantly worried about doing/saying the right things to avoid an argument.

She has recently had some major family, work and health stressors that are causing her to fall apart. I recognize that they are indeed stressful things but she always falls into this mentality of “I’m cursed” and why do all these bad things always happen to me. This is a major pattern. The victim mentality really triggers me. I’m more of the mindset that life is going to throw you hard things but that we can handle what life throws at us. She seems more intent on being miserable and feeling sorry for herself. I’m struggling to empathize with her and this scares me bc I’m a very empathetic person. Last night she was upset bc she said I wasn’t grasping how much she is going through and was wondering if she is “too much” for me. She said other partners have left her in the past bc they couldn’t handle all the things that would happen to her. My guess so that they couldn’t handle how she reacted to these things. It’s all doom and gloom and “how will I ever get through this?” I love her so much and want to be a good partner but I also don’t want to lose myself or my emotional well being. I get so down when she is in this state and feel hopeless.

I know that’s a lot, sorry for the long post! I needed to get all of that out and truly welcome anything and everything anyone had to say.

Orion great to meet you.   :hi: Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to bpdfamily.   :hug:  I'm so glad you found a great T that understands BPD!


Is it possible that your trips away trigger her fears of abandonment? As empathetic people, we can acknowledge that, even feel for them, but it's important for those of us who are committed to our own recovery to maintain boundaries.

I understand the dread but keep making plans to see people you love and doing things that make you happy. Plus this is a great opportunity to try something a little different! In this particular scenario, I might consider two questions. (1) What can you do or say to validate her fear, if that is indeed what she is feeling? (2) At what point during this trip will her discomfort be hers to manage?


I so relate to how draining the negativity can be. My goodness. I think it's pretty normal for even very empathetic people to become exhausted, perhaps resent the constant negativity.  Something I'm learning to do is to allow my H to feel his feelings without getting dragged down the hole with him. I understand FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) for what it is, I take a moment to slow down to listen to what I feel, and I give myself permission to feel differently.

No one wins when you lose yourself in a relationship. This is worth it!
pj

Welcome, Orion! I'd like to join pj in saying Hi! :hi:

What you've written here is so familiar to me -- and, I'm sure, to others here.

I understand about the family and friend thing. My guess? As pj suggested, it's possibly all tied up in your partner's fear of abandonment (which is so common with BPD). I suspect my own H's difficulties with my family are partly tied to his fear that I would leave him for them.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions. What sorts of crises have come up in the past when you've gone on a trip? How have you usually responded?

And I totally get you on the "victim" thing. My H has had a lot of stressors too, lately. He's better regulated than most, but when he's dysregulating, there's a lot of blaming and "it's not my fault -- I can't help it" around his words and actions. I'm like you in mindset. When something bad or negative happens, you deal with it and move forward. The victim mentality is not healthy or attractive. And it's exhausting for us to listen to.

How do you usually respond when she gets like this?

Pj and Ozzie, thank you so much for responding!

Even just knowing I’m not alone makes things feel a bit lighter. I truly think what you both are saying about the abandonment issues is spot on. This trip coming up will be a great opportunity to try something different and I love that perspective! I will have to think over the two questions you bring up, pj, as this trip approaches. I basically want her to know that I’m still there for her without totally being consumed with making sure I’m checking in enough or staying glued to my phone so I respond to her texts right away. Maybe come up with an amount of time that seems appropriate to be in touch. And also try to remember that she is a competent, smart adult that can handle most things while I’m gone, so I should not freak out every time she has a “dilemma.”

Ozzie - thank you for understanding! I’m always happy to answe any questions.

A couple of examples of crises that have come up while I have been away are her falling into a depression and having suicidal thoughts (then she will stop responding to my texts so I just sit there worrying); One time I had a trip planned for months to go see a friend and our dog later got scheduled to have an ultrasound. They scheduled the appointment to go over the results when I was going to be on the trip. They ended up telling her that our dog had inoperable liver disease. My partner was understandably upset but also became very angry at me for “making” her go through that alone and that she thought we were “in a partnership.” I tried calling and she didn’t pick up. She texted that she didn’t want to talk to me. I told her I wanted to be there for her, even though I wasn’t physically there but she kept ignoring me. Sometimes there is no crisis but she will just stop responding to my texts or respond in very brief, one word answers.  In any of the situations I respond by obsessing about what she is saying or not saying, start questioning how good of a partner I am, and think of things I can say to her to make it right. I know there has got to be a better way and I don’t know why I’m so scared of her reactions.

I totally relate to the “it’s not my fault” thing - that is a regular phrase for her. I find myself filling my eyes on the inside and when I try to steer the situation in a more positive direction or let on that she is strong and can handle big things, I get criticized that I’m not understanding the gravity of what she’s going through and that she just wants me to recognize that. I really don’t want to feed into it, though. As you said, it is exhausting. It’s so interesting because she is very introspective. She often says “I start to think, am I doing something to create these situations?” but then quickly brushes this aside. I want to tell her that we may not be responsible for some things in our life, but we are responsible for our reactions and we can chose how we respond to things. But alas, I’m scared how she will respond so I keep my mouth shut. Feeling any hint of being criticized does not go over well.

So, when she doesn't respond, she gets a response from you: anxiety, obsession, etc.

What do you think would happen if, when she lets you know about a "crisis," you were to respond with empathy but without getting tangled up emotionally and with an assurance that you know she can handle it? Or reply once and, if there's no response (or just something passive-aggressive), let it go?

You're right not to feed into things. Have you read much about SET (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0), empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) and validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)? They've all been very helpful to me.

The thing is, if her crises have worked in the past -- either to get you to cancel or shorten a trip or spend all trip focusing on her -- then she'll keep it up. When you stop responding in the way she wants, you're drawing a boundary and taking care of yourself while also moving her out of that unhealthy pattern. Will she like it? No. In fact, you may expect an escalation of behavior but that should be temporary as she learns that the tricks she's always used no longer work.

Oh my goodness, it seems so simple but what you said is so profound! She totally gets a reaction out of me so of course the behaviors will continue. I have a lot of work to do on my end and I know that. I don’t come without my own set of issues and I think I have characteristics that definitely help feed her issues - people pleasing, fear of confrontation and trouble setting boundaries, just to name a few. I hope to continue working on myself in therapy so I can be the best partner to her as well. I think understanding what she is going through and how I can support her is part of that. I just don’t want to feed the negative behaviors. I’m at the part in SWOE where they describe how to change the way I interact with the BP in my life. Couldn’t come at a better time!

Thank you so much for your insight and support. Really going to try and do things different on this trip to help both of us.

I haven’t read about SET, empathy and validation but I would love to!

Just click on the links in my post and they'll take you there. Lots of good information.


You and most of the people here! lol Seriously, you could have been describing me. But recognizing that and deciding to work on it is a huge step in the right direction. As you said, the stronger you are, the better partner you can be.

As I said, though, don't expect things to improve right away. When you change your pattern, you can expect a good deal of pushback and escalation from her. But if you hold firm (with kindness and empathy), that should peter out.

The analogy I usually use is that of a toddler used to getting what he wants by throwing a big tantrum. What happens when Mom and Dad decide to stop giving in? The tantrums will get bigger in hopes they'll give in like they used to. If Mom and Dad hold firm, the child will eventually see that "Hey, this doesn't work anymore" and will stop throwing tantrums.

Thank you, Ozzie!

This site makes me feel so hopeful. I’ll be clicking on those links today.

I’ll keep y’all updated on how the setting boundaries goes on this trip.

That analogy is priceless.  lol Makes so much sense!

We'll look for your updates, Orion!  |iiii  :hug:

pj