BPDFamily.com

My BPD bf and I broke up a couple of months ago. He'd started a new job in a very intense and unstable line of work that he used as a hiding place from therapy and from our relationship. We broke up since I felt I couldn't continue without him making an effort to meet my needs as well.

He was very upset about it - I was more resigned to the fact (when I saw him slipping away for the last two months of our relationship, I knew I couldn't go down that route again), but I left the door open: I told him to return to therapy, work on himself and get back in touch. He wanted to stay in contact, be in each other's lives. I told him I don't want to be friends with him and that it would be too painful for me to stay in contact.

Anyway it ended on reasonably good terms (albeit me very very frustrated with his inability to break the cycle). He sent a message soon after we broke up, expressing sympathy with some recent events that he'd seen on the news that affected my job. I sent a brief reply. A few weeks later I wished him a happy birthday, very briefly, and he tried to start a conversation and I didn't reply. Then a month later I reached out to check in - I'd seen that stuff had happened that might mean he'd lose his job and so I wrote to ask how things were going. He replied, admitting things were a little bleak and that while he felt great about being so good at his new job, he was very stressed and working all the time and mentioned stories he wanted to share. I replied briefly about how i was doing, but didn't offer any advice about his situation. It looked like nothing had changed and that he wasn't actually reflecting on/doing anything about his situation (i.e. returning to therapy/working on himself). But I don't know, it was quick exchange.

Now - a week and a little bit later he sends a text out of the blue, to say that things at work are looking up so he thinks that his investment might pay off after all and that he hopes I'm good. No questions, nothing, that's it.

I really don't know what to make of this. What is he trying to say - that it was worth sacrificing his entire life and our relationship for this job? That he's doing great without me? Or is he just testing a boundary? I don't know what to say in return. It feels a little hurtful - does he not realise that I associate his behaviour (i.e. 'investment') into the new job as a big part of our break up? Does he want me to celebrate/validate?

Thoughts?


 

I would remind him of your terms - that he returns to therapy, does the self work etc he’s testing your boundaries. It sounds like he’s not I terrestre in doing the self work and hoping to reintroduce himself into  your life.

You broke it off yet left it open, on good terms even though you were hurt. He reached out, you responded. Then you reached out on his birthday. He reached out again. He is likely not getting the reason you broke up from your point of view, but if you continue to engage, then he will likely do so as well.  This dynamic will likely continue.