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I'm cleaning some stuff from the garage that has been moved in from the house by my W and Ds.

I packed them in the car and was still not sure what I was going to throw out. I already got stuff out that I thought could be sentimental. My SO noticed the box in the car and criticised me for the things thrown out. I probably could have approached it better by saying I'm going to get rid of some stuff, do you want a look...She actually threw half the stuff out anyway.

A bit later I found my shoes with the pile of stuff in the car. I can't remember putting them there, have I done that? Maybe my W put it there to spite me for not asking her about the stuff in the car. Maybe trying to teach me a lesson? Yes i got suspicious and I asked my W about the shoes. I just got a blank No and the annoyance when I asked again? I left it there, not worth the confrontation and maybe I got it wrong.

I can rationalise the shoes being put there, maybe she wanted to spite me. Not good and I can move on from that. I traced my steps back and I still can't remember putting them there. Would she actually lie to my face that convincingly or even intentionally? This is not the first time that I've experienced that empty feeling.

Last night my SO was hinting about breaking up again and this morning she kissed me good buy: I love you? What part is real now? I know she hurts.

I'm just gutted. I feel a defeated and thinking maybe i could have done things better.

Was it an example of gaslighting? Could very well have been. You say this sort of thing has happened before. If there's a pattern then, yes, it could have been a passive-aggressive show of annoyance on her part.

Maybe you could have asked if she wanted to take a look at what you were going to throw out, that's true. But her response is on her and it (if that's what happened) is not a mature or healthy response.


I get it. I've been there. So many times when my H was upset about something, I would beat myself up for having messed up somehow. But, over the last year, I've learned some things:
1) People make mistakes. Usually, they're not big ones -- especially not nearly as big as my H would make them out to be. Now, when I make a mistake, I acknowledge it, give a sincere, simple apology with some validation and move on.

2) Apologizing over and over, groveling, ruminating, constantly worrying about everything I do and say -- it just makes me look and feel weak. And, the weaker I feel/appear, the worse relations with my H get. When I'm strong, he feels more secure and doesn't lash out nearly as often. Even more importantly, I feel secure and confident and ready to handle whatever happens.

3) I'm responsible for my actions and responses. He's responsible for his. If he chooses to act in a way that's harmful or immature, that's on him and I let it go and roll right off me -- and if there are consequences, those are his.

Anyway, back to this particular situation. How are things now? Has she seemed really upset about the box issue? Have there been other problems lately?

You sound very confused.

I fell that way often, although it it getting better over time.

Swirling thoughts of "Did he do it on purpose? Was it me? Was it a passive aggressive message, or am I imagining things? Why would he say that? Sounds like he's planning to leave... but now he's talking about our future..."

It sounds like you doubt what is real.

My understanding of gaslighting is that it is done with the intention to make the other person feel crazy. I think in most cases with our spouses, it is not intentional.

But the effect is the same.