BPDFamily.com

I’m not really sure where to start or what exactly I’m looking for, but here’s the gist.

My husband has been living with ADHD, depression, and anxiety. This will sound unkind but for several years now I’ve secretly viewed him as immature emotionally, and needing to “grow up”. It’s only recently that I have started researching BPD, and I am beginning to wonder if he may have it. I’m so convinced that he has some type of disorder that I’ve told him, gently, that I think it’s imperative he seeks therapy and tells the doctor that he wants to be evaluated for personality disorders.
He seems to be warming up to the idea, so that makes me hopeful that he will get to a place where he can get properly diagnosed and treated, so that he can be happy and healthy, and so that I feel like he’s stable. Right now I feel like I’m carrying the bulk of the responsibility and it is taking its toll. I can only confide so much in my family because I’m afraid they will judge or think poorly of him.

Some things I see in him (maybe some of these fit into the BPD criteria and others not so much)

Very sensitive.
Very reactive - short fuse and BIG reaction to stress or emotional pain.
Feels like an outcast.
Has trouble staying at one job (he always seems to find an enemy and makes it into a situation in his head where one has to go...he becomes so discontent he creates problems at work and then ultimately he changes jobs because he feels like he has no future wherever he is)
Quick to place blame on others.
Makes comments that indicate he feels broken or defective.
Desperately needs approval of others.
Feels like people dislike him (at work this translates into a “they’re out to get me” mentality and he is CONVINCED)
Sometimes he acts like I’m a saint and others like I’m the most difficult, coldest and least understanding woman in the world (I often feel like an angry teenager is lashing out at me)
Cannot tolerate stress.

So I don’t know if I’m reading too much into things but either way, I think he needs therapy and I just hope I’m not doing more harm than good. But this is getting harder to live with. Thanks for reading.

Hello, Samwise! Welcome to the family! :hi:

You've definitely come to the right place. I can tell you that what you wrote is so familiar to me both in my own life and in other stories I've read here. You're not alone. Believe me.

It's so exhausting to feel like the functioning adult in the marriage, isn't it? I've felt that way with my H. The other day, my H said to me, "You're just miles above me, maturity-wise." I thought (but didn't say), "Yeah, no kidding." *)

Smart move. I learned that lesson the hard way. :( So much better to use the community here as an outlet -- and a therapist if you have one. (I do, and she's been a huge help as well.)

Your list of behaviors certainly fits BPD. Will he get a diagnosis? Maybe. Maybe not. It's notoriously difficult to diagnose and there are some therapists who refuse to treat it. But, you're in luck. Even without a diagnosis, there are skills and tools you can learn here that can help you. My own H has never been diagnosed, but with the help of the family here, I've been able to make some changes in myself and our relationship has improved a lot.

One of the big things I learned was that I was inadvertently making things worse by using poor communication techniques. Perhaps when you feel like it, you could share a bit more? Maybe give us a recent example of an incident -- a he said/she said play-by-play. Getting a handle on the dynamics and how these exchanges typically go helps us help you trouble-shoot and look for ways you might improve things.

Keep posting! :hug: