BPDFamily.com

I was doing so well. I was in such a good place. I’m in a new relationship and have been for almost two years. In a phd program. Was feeling super strong.

Well, bye to all that work. My expwBPD: He unblocked me and reached out in December.

We “caught up” on the phone and I told my current partner, who doesn’t have BPD, but has gotten educated on it so he can understand me better. He’s a saint and I am very much in love with him. He was not upset with me that I talked to my expwBPD out of jealously or suspicion, but he cried when I told him it happened. He was  more so worried because he knows about the BPD and the extreme violence and death threats that occurred. The abuse...

Regarding the communication with my expwBPD: So we talked on the phone once, texted a bit; and he asked me to meet up...with my new boyfriend. I asked my current boyfriend and he said “absolutely not. You have been no contact for over two years, and this will not bring you closure. It has to come from within, and I’ll help you- just not like this.” Hes right. I agree 100%.

The scary part isn’t that my ex was violent or abusive or dangerous. The scary part came after I went back to read old messages...like WOAH- I was simply retraumatized, re-humiliated, and confused. I keep asking, while in a fog, “did this really happen to me? Wait...there is no way!” Even knowing full well it did, it was bad, and it created so many issues psychologically.

This regression of cognitive dissonance scares the living daylights out of me. The fact that I thought I (or we) could handle MEETING face to face...THAT scared me. I think I figured that if we could be “cool”, then the trauma would magically go away. I kept citing this to my current partner as a reason for us to go meet him together. I have since decided that would be the worst idea ever.

Well now, I’m just left feeling so helpless. Like when this first happened to me. I’m scared y’all. I’m so confused again. I told my expwBPD that it was nice to catch up, but it wouldn’t be right to actually see one another since I have moved on with my current boyfriend. He said he’s “changed” and that it “is understandable because it’s not really up to me.” So thank GOD he didn’t fly off the handle.

He isn’t what I necessarily want to fixate on in this post. It would be unproductive. It’s more about how insane I feel right now. Not only did I, for a few days, oscillate with the idea of seeing him again, I now am questioning if this was even abuse at all. I literally can’t commit to that term, even after we both know his diagnosis is NPD/BPD, and he’s owned it...he would chase me around the apartment. He threatened to kill me, my friends...

My current boyfriend- no BPD, is extremely supportive, but I don’t want to keep crying and scaring him. He hasn’t said I have; but I know I’m in a fog that I haven’t been in for awhile.

I can’t stop feeling like everything I did for my expwBPD was so humiliating and degrading. I can’t stop feeling like I was actually the person that abused him, as he said. When I re read everything, and saw how submissive I used to be, it made me vomit. Literally, I threw up. I had a panic attack on the train two nights in a row. My boyfriend insists I should delete the messages but I can’t stop. I want a team of people to see them and tell me I’m not crazy. You know what I mean?

I never thought my healing would backtrack. I’m scared and I need support.

It’s not the physical abuse that I even care about. It’s the psychological abuse that is most troublesome.

I am ashamed and guilty. I feel like I was the one that did something to my expwBPD. I don’t know how I regressed after all this time. I am riddled with guilt, confusion, fear, and humiliation.

Hi  I am glad you posted.  I could swear I posted a response yesterday but it must have been eaten.  Sorry about that.

I can very much relate to a lot of what you talk about in terms of feeling like you regressed.  I used to feel that way too until I learned that these episodes will happen during recovery.  What you experienced with your ex was extreme and damaging and it is common to find that there is still some unresolved trauma hanging around.  It does not mean you have regressed, not at all.  For me, what helped me to feel less incompetent, fragile, damaged, etc when stuff like this happened and I became triggered or reminded of the things I allowed and then had to cope with all the feelings was to view it all as a sign of what I needed t work on more.  Again, experiences like you had do not resolve with a break up and a new relationship.  It is normal and even a good thing when you feel off kilter as it means you are ready to process even more and do some more healing.

Okay, I hope that did not come off as minimizing or invalidating to you.  I am just offering a different perspective that I hope will help empower you and encourage you to work on things here and maybe in therapy.   Have you tried the latter?  Just to help you understand and get support from someone else other than here and your current BF?

You are not crazy.  You are not losing yourself here.  You are doing the opposite actually.

Again, I don't think you have regressed.  I think you have just found a map to what needs to be addressed to further your recovery.  I know it feels horrible and I hate that you are going through this right now.  I also know you will come out the other side better for it.  It takes time and support and you have that.   :hug: