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Title: Have I had enough or am I just upset? Post by: Mara Ashley on February 01, 2020, 06:50:33 AM My identical twin has bpd. Her life has always been unstable and seemingly unfulfilling. I always was the codependent, people pleaser and overachiever of the family so I suffered for a long time right with her. But through years of therapy and after getting out of an abusive relationship a year ago, I have done a lot of different types of inner work and am genuinely happy now. I feel peaceful and calm, even through hard times. I no longer invite any type of toxicity into my life. The only source of this chaotic emotional turmoil in my life now is my sister. It has only gotten worse since she moved back in after my ex moved out. I feel like I am trapped with her. She would not be able to afford to moved out and live anywhere on her own. She relies on me. She will even sometimes call me mom joking around. But I feel depleted from her. I feel like I have had enough. Am I just drained and needing space, or is this my emotions telling me this is my boundary and to cut her off for my own sake? I know it is my responsibility to take care of myself. I try so hard. But when there’s a choice between making sure my sister eats that day and going to my yoga class, how can I choose the latter? I’m just venting and complaining. I want my sister to get better. But she truly doesn’t want to get better and would admit to that. But the relationship is becoming unbearable. I don’t know what to do. For now, I am asking for space. Thank you for reading. I welcome any comments. Much love ♥️
Title: Re: Have I had enough or am I just upset? Post by: Spindle0516 on February 01, 2020, 10:13:24 AM Hi Mara! :hi:
It can be really hard living with someone with BPD and you are not alone. I live with my uBPD MIL and it is the most challenging thing I have ever done. When that person is a family member, and you love them, it makes it ultra complicated. My husband and I are in the process of having my MIL move out, BUT there are so many skills that we have learned here that have made our lives so much easier. Ways to take care of ourselves. Ways to communicate better. My MIL sounds similar to your sister in some ways- at times she wouldn't eat, she wouldn't bathe, she wouldn't leave the apartment. And it felt like it was our job to take care of her. Sometimes it still does, but we are getting better at letting some of that feeling or responsibility go. So many of us here have reached the point where we wanted to run away, so we really understand. There are so many resources on this site, so make sure you look around! :heart: :hug: Title: Re: Have I had enough or am I just upset? Post by: Turkish on February 01, 2020, 10:52:16 PM How did you take on the role of Mom, and when did that start in the past?
A good place to start would be the Lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0) and Suggested Reading (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56280.0) at the top of the board. That's a lot of material. Can you tell us what, specifically, drains and? overwhelms you? Maybe we can start there to best support you :hug: T Title: Re: Have I had enough or am I just upset? Post by: Methuen on February 02, 2020, 12:16:17 AM Hi Mara Ashley :hi:
Welcome to our forum! Excerpt I feel like I am trapped with her. I feel depleted from her. I feel like I have had enough. Am I just drained and needing space, or is this my emotions telling me this is my boundary and to cut her off for my own sake? I know it is my responsibility to take care of myself. I try so hard. But when there’s a choice between making sure my sister eats that day and going to my yoga class, how can I choose the latter? Mara you are describing feeling trapped and depleted. We are all different, and we don't have any details of your story here, but I can say that when I got to the point of feeling "trapped", I was very frustrated, and also feeling hopeless and helpless. I saw my Dr, and he was able to help me see that I needed to start looking after myself. He also helped me find other ways to support my uBPD mom. A uBPD mom and a uBPD sister are two very different relationships, but there are probably still similarities in the personal challenges we faced around feelings of guilt. Have you consulted with any professionals such as a doctor or counsellor? I found having that support and validation from a professional in my own community was a big help, and it gave me a boost emotionally, and provided motivation to move forward. This forum was equally helpful, and together they achieved more in clearing the FOG for me to see a way forward. Excerpt I’m just venting and complaining. No you aren't. It's a complex and legitimate concern that would challenge an experienced person. Instead of thinking that you are venting and complaining, think of it as you being responsible in recognizing that it's a significant problem that is affecting your own well-being, and you are doing the right thing by looking for help to find the best way forward. Excerpt But she truly doesn’t want to get better and would admit to that. Do you think your feelings of frustration are mutual? At the top of the page of the Parent, Sibling, and In-law group, is the "How to Get the Most out of this Site" subject. There is SOO much good info there, that I have been on this site 6 months and still go back there to read and refresh myself on that material. Super helpful. I would suggest focussing on SET, asking validating questions, and boundaries, but you may find that once you start reading, it is hard to stop. Excerpt But when there’s a choice between making sure my sister eats that day and going to my yoga class, how can I choose the latter? Since you are a twin, I am assuming your sister is an adult. We "non's" have been "trained" to feel responsible for our BPD's well being. But this is unhealthy thinking and feeling on our part. "They" are adults, and as such, they have autonomy to make their own decisions. We may be saddened or disappointed by those decisions, but the decisions are still theirs to make, and the consequences theirs to accept. Having said that, we can still support our BPD's by using SET and validating questions to ideally guide them to better decision making, but we may have to accept that they can still make decisions we don't like. We can also use boundaries to protect ourselves. Sometimes those boundaries may include LC or NC for some people. Can you tell us more about your situation? |