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Despite all the advice and suggestions, I agreed to talk with him.  He sounded like he had changed, like he was better.  I wanted to believe.  I went to pick up s3 from the boat, because the truck is having issues. We ended up fighting again.. well..  he started fighting and I was trapped again.  I did JADE, stayed calm, even tried to calm him.  It didn't work.  When I tried to leave, he snatched me up and next thing I know, I feel like my back was being broken.

He told me it was an accident, he was trying to grab me to hold me, make the feelings stop, he wanted to hug me, to stop the fighting.  It ended up with him snatching me up off the ground, taking me into the other room and falling down with me in his arms.  200lb man falling on me, I heard and felt a loud pop/crack in my back, felt instant unbearable pain, to where I screamed and all I could do was fall on the floor, lay on my stomach because it was such excruciating pain and felt like the wind got knocked out of me. 

He panicked and asked me if I was alright.  It took me a good while to be able to even sit up.  When I managed to stand up, I couldn't put pressure on my right leg.  After talking some more, I convinced him to let me go with s3 to pick up s9.  When I go to place to pick him up, I knew something was really wrong. 

I called up the babysitter and she said she could watch the boys.  I dropped then off with her and went to the ER.  After 7 hours or so, the neurologist came in and told me the scan showed a compound fracture in my L1 Lumbar  I turned to my girl friend and we were both shocked.

I told the police I wanted to press charges.  Hospital paperwork said Assault, they might get him with battery.  I feel bad and then I don't.  I shouldn't had put myself in that position again.  If he goes to jail, he loses his job and everything else.

Last couple of days I have been in a lot of pain.  I keep thinking of what happened and I am grateful he didn't break my back.

I sit here today, not knowing what is going to happen.  I am mixed up with my feelings.  I feel stupid.  I promised myself I wouldn't ever get hurt again and here I am with a compound fracture.  I can't do this anymore.  I have allowed myself to get hurt too many times because of this relationship.  I'm struggling to even get around with some much pain.  It's almost like the pain in my head is reflected on my body and it's scary.

Oh Frankee….

I'm not going to say anything... I'm just going to sit here and hold your hand or whatever TLC you feel would be helpful. 

NOT YOUR FAULT!   NOT YOUR FAULT! No matter how crappy you feel, not... your... fault.

I see your inner beauty - even if you are just here on the boards.  That compassion - say thank you to every nurse, friend and police officer that helps you. Your compassion - those people will return it to you.  Save it for them.

Blessings and healing ….

Rev

Frankee,

It's really hard to finally, truly let go of all hope that the father of your kids might actually change, even if you are separated. I held on to hope for almost a year after I left, even though I knew there was no way I would go back without solid evidence of lasting change.

Like you, I still had contact, both over the phone and in person, even though people here told me it was not a wise choice. Like you, we got into arguments again and I felt trapped.

I totally understand how hard it is to keep a safe distance while trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt to do better, and to feel that you are trying to be a good person by letting him see the kids.

I am sorry this happened. Maybe he didn't mean to cause severe injury, but he had no right to physically pick you up and move you against your will. He acted on emotions, and you got seriously hurt. Yes, you should press charges. Whatever consequences he incurs because of that is not your responsibility. To not allow him to experience the consequences would be a disservice to yourself and to him. He may learn nothing from them, but it should be on his record that he harmed you in your children's presence.

When we know better, we do better. Now you know that you are still in physical danger in his presence and you can make appropriate decisions to keep yourself safe. :hug:

So I will do my best to avoid my feelings of instant rage over something like this. Just wow. So keeping a level head I will just say hey...I along with the others here will be here for support and just tell you to vent out what you deem necessary. Do not blame yourself. You did not deserve this. Now here is the part where I do have to provide some tough love though...stop feeling sorry for him. You do not sympathize with your abusers...Period! This is not on you. He must learn to take responsibility for his actions and must learn the hard way that there are consequences when you decide to treat people like sh*t. There has to be accountability here. Any whining from him...you tell him to suck it up buttercup!

Now is the time you draw your line in the sand and you choose YOU...end of discussion. Enough is enough! You will not be stepped on anymore. You will not be trifled with anymore. From now on...you are a no BS Zone and you will be respected!

The outcomes and punishments for his actions against you are not your concern or responsibility. Please alleviate yourself of that weight.

You were a victim in this scenario. Please be kind to yourself. Above all else I truly wish you the best and hope for a speedy recovery and man do I ever send you the biggest, warmest bear hug. Keep your head up and keep your spirits up. Life is going to get better. You will recover. You will live happier. Stay strong.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your safety must come first. I am sorry this happened to you.
 

Thank you for the words of encouragement and support.

This is another instance where I almost didn't post.  I thought I knew better.  Then I am hoping that someone reading this can feel less alone in their struggles, maybe see that dealing with certain kinds of people is dangerous, that safety is of the utmost importance.  Whatever anyone can take away from this.

I never thought it would end up with a severe injury.  Then I thought back to the black eye.. where it was another "accident", but it happened because he backhanded me with his big metal rings on.  Then when he tells me he didn't do it on purpose.. this time. 

Last couple days, I have slept.. a lot.  My body was completely drained and I was in so much pain.  I didn't go to work and tried to go to school, but she sent me home.  I have muscle relaxers and pain medicine.

I am glad I went to the hospital, I am glad I said I want to press charges, I am glad my girl friend was there to support me at the hospital, I am glad I told them everything.  He needs real help.  I can't do this anymore.  No matter accident or not.. I ended up in the hospital because of him and that is a hard pill to swallow. 

So sorry this happened to you.   :hug: :hug:

What is the next step with the charges?

Best,

FF

Frankee, I am so very sorry. You did nothing to reserve a physical attack such as this. "Accident" or not, the reality is that he can not control his actions.

Be good to yourself. Back injuries are notoriously painful and can be slow to heal.

This is so awful. Good for you. Pressing charges is a huge step, especially because it's someone you love. But that kind of behavior can't be tolerated.

You need help. The kids need help. This is now out of your hands. He's dangerous.  You know it could have been worse of you landed differently.

What's the prognosis on your healing? I can't imagine how much pain you must be in right now. 

I have a follow up on Monday with a regular doctor.  I have been trying to take it easy and not put any stress on my back.  I know when I lay flat on my back to sleep, the pain is usually very minimal.

I am not really sure what is going to happen with the charges.  The hospital is going to report the injury.  I think there is a real probability that he will be arrested.

How are the kids in the meantime? Are you and they safe?

Granted you should pay attention to doctor's orders, but with your injuries I would highly recommend tart cherry juice or extract, turmeric, and cissus...the combo will help alleviate pain, inflammation, and help to start rebuilding tissue, etc. He should be arrested and he needs to be...enough said to that end. Anyway, I am just happy for you that things did not turn out worse. You are alive. That is what matters obviously. Get well. Take everything day by day and one step at a time.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

And you have made a report as well..right?

Can you "flip" this line of thought?  Can you create a rational convincing argument that he should not be arrested?

Best,

FF

I have a case number.  I don't know if this is even in my hands anymore.  We have a not so great track record with the crisis center and the police.  They got involved two years ago when I fled out of state.  I was at the shelter for I think 3 months before the incident left me out on the streets.  Went to court for child support and I lied and said there wasn't any DV in the house.  We were trying to work things out between us. 

I got this paperwork from the hospital.  A little wheel of abuse on paper about the different types of abuse.  I left it in the truck with my other paperwork and he found it.  He was crying and saying that he's never seen it laid out like that before and that he's done a lot of things on there to me.  He claims he has been looking up psychiatrists to get real help.  Claims he isn't going to talk to me like he has in the past.

I don't know what to believe and I've heard it before.

Convincing argument for not going to jail would be that he would lose his job, his ability to help us out, he would have assault and possibly battery charges on his record and that will follow him.

It's hard to find compassion for someone that has caused so much pain.  I felt like I was doing the right thing and I had such a clear vision of the future without him.  I can't help but feel that the only reason he has this awakening is because I got hurt again.

A visit to the police and magistrates office (perhaps called something different there) would clear this up...right?

Is there any reason you would not want to fully cooperate with them and give them all the information you have?

Best,

FF

It may not be. In some states, when an assault is reported, the state will pick up the charges even if you don't. Assault is a crime.


Are you still having physical contact with him after he seriously injured you? If you are, you need to ask yourself why.

If it is motivated by your need to have him see and acknowledge the extent of the damage of his behavior, please know that you are sending the message to him that he can do this to you and you will not stay away from him. You need to stop focusing on whether or not he finally "gets it". As long as you keep trying to guide him towards an epiphany, you continue to put yourself at risk.


 
Yes, you have heard it before. Whether or not he does it should not determine the actions you take to protect yourself NOW. Right now, today, he is still exactly the person he was when he picked you up against your will and caused a serious injury to you. Turning around abusive behaviors does not happen overnight. It will likely take years of serious therapy involving honesty and willingness on his part to look at the root cause and replace maladaptive coping skills with healthy ones. Until that happens, he is just as dangerous today as he was the day he assaulted you, no matter what he says.


NOT. Your. Responsibility. Men with DV charges can still find jobs. Men with DV charges can still pay child support.

Please understand, I have done the same thing so many times. I didn't want to call the police because I didn't want him to lose his job, not be able to get another job, have more charges on his record. Guess what? When I finally did have him arrested for assault, and he spent nine months in jail, he got a job the day they released him. Granted, he's been fired from three jobs in the last six months, for reasons unrelated to me, but guess what? He's still paying child support.

People who commit assaults should face consequences. You are not being a "good person" by trying to protect him from losing his job or having charges on his record. That is a faulty belief that some of us victims of abuse have ingrained in our thought patterns, and it takes a while to get untangled from that kind of thinking, but it can be done. It should be done.  He made decisions that make those consequences a reality. If they occur, it is due to his own behavior.


Key word here is "again". How is this different from any other time he has hurt you? Abusers can and do display "remorse" when they see that their behavior has caused undeniable injury. Often, they will make promises to get help, they will profess that they finally understand how they have done things that have hurt you, blah, blah, blah.

I wouldn't call it an "awakening" until he has followed through with finding psychological help and honestly participated in therapy for an extended period of time despite any consequences he may face from this incident.

I see this as another attempt to keep you engaged in the r/s in the hopes of eventually convincing you to return. As long as he has you coming around, talking to him, trying to help him, he still has you with one toe on the web and it's just a matter of time before you get a whole foot or leg stuck in there and the next thing you know, you'll be caught in it again and the whole cycle will start over. DON'T keep one toe in the web!

Frankee

Please read I am redeemed post several times.   Changing patterns of thinking is hard, but it can be done.

Please remove all assumptions from what's next with the authorities.  A visit to the police or sheriff office with case number in hand will remove all doubt as to what's next in the process.

Best,

FF

Actually, I see the operative phrase as the way you say "that I got hurt again."

You didn't just "get hurt" out of nowhere. HE HURT YOU. The language you choose is passive, as if your ex had no responsibility for what he did.

Carry this through to the level of accountability he needs to face.

Frankee:
I'm so sorry for what you have gone through & what you are still dealing with.  Your back injury sounds painful.

I'm wondering if what you have is a "compression fracture".  A compound fracture is when bone protrudes outside of your skin.  (would likely be hospitalized for awhile & not walking).  I'm definitely NOT trying to undermine your injury & what you are going through.  Just thinking it would help everyone to get on the same page in relating to your recovery.

PS:  Medical terms can be confusing.  Both conditions start with a "C". Seems like something I'd have confused as well.

I wondered about "compound" vs. "compression" fracture as well, Naughty Nibbler. My mother fell down a year ago, and she had a compression fracture in her lower spine. It took 12 weeks to heal.

I agree and I looked it up.  I found more about a compression fracture than compound fracture.  Which I wasn't sure why he said compound when it seemed compression was more of watch it probably is. 

Unless I misunderstood the doctor because I was tired and still rattled.  I'm just tired and been resting a lot last few days.  Resting and the medicine seems to be the only thing that is really helping.

So sorry that he hurt you again.  :hug:

Please read Redeemed’s words over and over. Whether or not he intended to seriously injure you is irrelevant.

Simply put, he is out of control when he gets triggered. He is not a safe person. Remorse for this incident won’t change what apparently is a lifelong habit of reactive violence.

The doctor could have misspoken - they are human.   I'm glad it's likely a compression fracture.  I was wondering if health care had hit a new low.  It seems like the bar keeps going lower for what they send patients home with.  I was getting  a visual of them pushing any protrusions back under the skin, sticking a bandaide on & sending you home.

Take care.  Rest will be good for you right now.  Do you have some things to do to help calm your mind?  Books, puzzle apps, podcasts, mindfulness courses/apps, etc.  I've been trying out some puzzle & drawing apps with an ipad.  It can be good to zone out for awhile & let your mind idle.

Frankee, why don't you get your ER records?

Compound vs compression fracture...that is a huge difference, not a minor one. Compound means through the skin which is why I was so horrified. All things considered it is better that it is a compression fracture. Regardless, doesn't change the end result that you got hurt through no fault of your own.

Moving forward...you must realize this was truly a huge wake up call. You have to process this as there will not be a next time. I mean this is pretty bad and you have conditioned yourself that there will always be a next time. That is about as unhealthy as it gets. When I say there will not be a next time it serves with dual purpose...You must stand up for yourself and you will not tolerate this BS ever again from anyone, but also...if there was a next time I fear the consequences would be grave...no further expounding on that notion necessary.

Anyway, anything I am going to say is going to be right in line with what I have already said and what others have said. So I will leave it at that.

Just know we are all here to support you. You will heal. You will get through this. You can change. Life will get better.

Beyond that...please get well and be kind to yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I believe the doctor misspoke.. which is honestly a heck of a mix up!

I decided to drop my pharmacology class and just stick with my health assessment and CNA.  I paid for my CNA out of pocket and my health assessment isn't terribly hard so far.  I have been thinking about it and I am still going to try to get into the nursing program with what I have.

I filled out a form online from the attorney general.  Reporting the crime and seeing if I can get some assistance.  I have missed 4 days of work because of this.

I read over all the replies more than once.  Trying to drill it into my head that it is not my responsibility for what happens to him.

When the police came to talk to him, he told me that he gets angry because he couldn't let things go.  Even had the nerve to say that he wasn't going to hold this against me and he was going to let it go.  Been playing that statement over in my head. 

He wasn't going to hold it against me that I called the cops on him because it was an "accident".   Those words have been bothering me a lot. 

I think I am in a fog.  Almost as if the whole incident made every hazy.  I don't feel like myself.  I'm tired a lot.  I feel I have to do all this stuff and all I want to do is lay down. 

I have my follow-up doctor appt this afternoon.  I am hoping they can give me a more clear picture on what to expect for my healing process.  Right now, I am missing work, I not doing my studies.. trying not to feel overwhelmed.

His response to you reporting the assault should give you all the evidence you need to see that he has not changed.

What he said could have been pulled straight from my ex's playbook, the "Here is how I am showing restraint of my anger, you should take note and be grateful" script which actually is more indicative of classic abuser bs than he realizes:

"I usually get angry and can't let things go". My normal reaction to something that makes me angry is to stew on it and react on it and you should realize that I am admitting this and give me credit for acknowledging this fact about me.

"This time, even though you did something to me when I did nothing wrong to you I am letting it go and not holding it against you" See what a good person I am, see how I can choose to not react in my normal angry manner, you should be grateful and recognize this as a sign that I have changed!"

"It was an accident." It's not my fault, I did not deliberately hurt you, therefore, I have no responsibility in this and you have no right to try to hold me accountable. You are the one acting unreasonably, not me.

People who have true self-awareness do not speak this way. He does not get it. He is not willing to take responsibility or be held accountable. Maybe he can't deal with the shame he feels knowing you were seriously injured because of his actions. That doesn't matter. The point is that he is trying to manipulate you into thinking that you did something wrong, he didn't, and you should be grateful that he is "being the bigger person" in this situation and letting it go. He wants you to see it his way, which is a very distorted way to view this incident, and it is a huge red flag and predictor of the exact same behavior happening again.

Have you been in contact with your counselor? What you just went through was another traumatic event. I don't doubt that you feel foggy and fatigued. Your body has just been through a physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting incident. I would also mention the hazy, foggy, tired feelings to your doctor at your appointment today.

Again, Redeemed has summed it up so well, there’s nothing much I can add. I completely agree with everything she’s said.

My ex would have said something like this: “It’s your fault for making me so angry.”

That he “won’t hold it against you” and calling it an “accident” is a sugarcoated variation of the above.

He is only thinking of himself. He has no compassion for you.

They should bother you.

Good job reporting the assault.  What is next?

Best,

FF

Prior to the point your conversation with your ex escalated to his teaching out and grabbing you -- had he been drinking alcohol or taking drugs of any kind? If so, as much as he would like to call it an "accident," it wasn't. He was impaired, he grabbed you, and he fell on you. Done and done.

One of my counselors mentioned the idea that there's a abusers handbook that they use because their statements are so, so similar. "Reversing victim and offender" is a classic tactic (aka blame shifting). He seriously injured you, and he is the victim because you got medical care and told them what happened. He even said that he has a hard time letting things go -- believe him on that, this will come back on you.

Frankee, I understand that you’ve wanted to hope that your ex could get better and fully participate in parenting your boys in a healthy way.

My concern is that through his demonstrated behaviors of violence, seeming lack of remorse, and inability to have empathy for you, that he might not be a good role model for your sons. You certainly wouldn’t want them behaving the way their father has when they’re adults in relationships.

Perhaps it’s time for your ex to experience the consequences of his behavior. It seems that he hasn’t had an awakening in the past.

You hit it spot on I Am Redeemed.. almost as if you were running around in my exbpd's head.

That's what I told my doctor. I know everytime he hurts me, he feels the guilt weighing down, does everything in his power to show me he is sorry, the honeymoon phase.  When I start to get better and healthy.. it's like a reset on the cycle.  He still hasn't let it go two years ago when I left, and had the cops called on him.

This injury happened in the morning without any substances involved.  Happened even when I did everything I could think of to calm the situation.  Nothing worked.  Case closed.

My doctor said my symptoms I've been having aren't just from the injury, but that I may be experiencing depression.  Which is understandable.  It's weird.. Everytime before I was able to catch it and realize what was going on.  I really thought it was from the injury.

Even now, I feel tired, achy, like I just want to lay down.  I can't though, I have to much to do.  I need to put more distance between us.  I need to stop worrying about the outcome of his actions and start refocusing on my own safety and the boys.

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