BPDFamily.com

First post, learning this system from scratch. 
I started dating an ex-coworker 3 years ago; I had known and respected and liked her for many years, but she was married.  Over the years I gradually became aware of her husband’s affairs, leaving and financial damage to the family.  Finally one day I had lunch with her and asked her if she was still married.  She said she had a legal separation and saw him once a year when he visited his son, but that she was waiting to finalize her divorce when her son graduated high school.  We tried to date, but within months there were strange arguments about her not being available to see me on my side, and extreme unjustified complaints on her side that I wasn’t affectionate enough which was not true.  I reached the conclusion by October 2017 that she didn’t want a relationship with me but only some kind of affair.  For the next 7 months she pursued me, stopping by my office when I wasn’t there, trying to program my employees to speak up for her.  Meanwhile I was recovering, less anger and sadness.  So in May 2018 I agreed to lunch, and she insisted she was sincere.  I accepted her word and tried again.  She was more sexually aggressive this time, more volatile, more raging.  I still couldn’t visit her home and by September she broke up with me.  I was even more devastated this time as I was trying even harder, gave her a promise ring etc.  I visited her church and saw her sitting with her husband.  I was overwhelmed by a sense of betrayal.  She insisted nothing was going on between them, only being amicable.  But she was acting suspicious, edgy, sketchy.  By December 2018 I found out that he was living in her basement.  We had some dramatic back and forth communication including with him - and it seemed evident they did have some convoluted estranged living arrangement and his income had increased and she was somewhat dependent on it, partially due to extreme shopping behaviors and partially due to extravagant lifestyle including spending excessively on the kids.  By end of January 2019 she went from saying she was doing counseling with him to saying she wanted to be with me.  By this time I was so traumatized and disoriented that I began sexual relationship with her despite this being against my beliefs.  February and March 2019 we were together a lot and I had hope things would work out.  She abruptly announced her family was scheduled to go on a cruise.  It was odd but I didn’t suspect anything.  The day she left I was with her, but the next day I found out she was on the cruise with her husband - 8 days in Aruba with her parents, siblings, kids and him.  More dramatic convoluted communications back and forth, accusations, confrontations, and it seems astonishingly they were platonic.  It seems a very convoluted game back and forth between them of money, control, lies - and craziness.  Nevertheless we would tend to get back together, fight, break up; repeat.  I have wanted it to workout.  Exhausted, traumatized, and know well the meaning of walking on eggshells.  It’s now Feb 2020 and she’s asking for 90 days to ‘Move the needle’ on her divorce; meaning to even talk to a lawyer.  Has been a long hard process but we need no more three was confrontations.  I gave her a Borderline Personality for Dummies book which she said she read through some this week as she was starting a new job.  She denies the symptoms.  We talked to a counselor once, but she insisted on not telling the counselor any details of situation only fluff about how much she loved me and wanted me to be patient etc.  I feel I have had to fight vigorously for the slightest truth, boundaries or progress -and I don’t know if we have progress or not.  She crashes on the weekend, and calls or sees me mainly in business hours - despite the fact her husband works out of town often; even when he is in town there is a dynamic where she seems to focus on portraying to him that she’s doing nothing, ie give him hope; I’ve confronted both of them, no more of that, it’s fruitless.  I’m trying to go forward with my life, and I need to know if there is hope for her and/or us.  Her focus is heavily financial, but she risked that with the relationship with me.  What minimum criteria should I set?  My defenses are eroded.

Hi Peaceterrace and welcome! :hi:

It certainly sounds like you've been through the wringer. Relationships involving BPD really can make you feel like up is down, down is up and everything else is sideways.

From what you say, she's very much into a push-pull dynamic -- very common in BPD. And holding onto one love while also pursuing another? Not an unfamiliar story around here. I'm sure you'll find other members with similar stories if you read around.

Is there hope? There could be. We've seen some seemingly hopeless situations turn around. However, it sounds like she's not ready to face problems or to really seek help. She has to want to do it -- genuinely and fully -- for it to work and for there to be true improvement.

As for what criteria, that's up to you. And something you should give some very serious thought to. (I'd suggest reading about boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries).) What do you want your life and relationship to look like? What would it take for that to happen?