BPDFamily.com

Hi
I think that my boyfriend has bpd. At the beginning of our relationship he was perfect, being attentive, loving etc. But also he was very fast with the "I love u", "its you and me forever" and stuff. We had some great months, but as we got into it, he started showing me signs that something was off. When he got mad, he would be mad for days even though the problem was not that big of a deal. He would test me, make me feel like everything was my fault. He is so moody and I never know where I have him. A lot of the time when he got mad at me for the DUMBEST reasons, and I begged him for forgiveness saying that I would never do it again, he would be like "well, you caused this on yourself. You only learn the hard way by me punishing you", and he would be like this if I maybe did not make breakfast for him in the morning. One minute he would be like " I love u", changing his background to an image of me, and literally 10 min. later he would break up with me, saying that he hated me, never wanting to see me again. N the same thing has happened. And it just occurred to me that he might be borderline. His mother is diagnosed with bpd, he was diagnosed in his earlier years with ADD, but I read online that these are often mixed up? Anyways, he is ignoring me know saying that he will talk to me in maybe 2 months, "when I have learned from this", again punishing me. Not fully letting me go saying that he does not want to be with me, but playing with me making me beg for forgiveness. He won't talk to me right now. And I am so afraid that if I for once "ice" him, he will get soo mad, not wanting to talk to me again. Im 19 btw, he is 21. Any advice from anyone? Should I let go or should I keep on trying? I love him, but I feel myself hurting everyday from this relationship

Hi jjrr1994 and welcome to the family! :hi:

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with there. I'm so sorry. But you have come to the right place. We understand what you're going through. We've all been through it -- or are still going through it -- and we're here to support each other.

From what you describe, BPD may well be a possibility, yes.

We can't tell you whether to stay or go. That's for you to decide. But we can help you make that choice.

What about him and the relationship makes you want to hold onto it? What are the positives?

Some of the behavior you describe does give me some concern. I was just wondering if you'd read much about emotional abuse?

You are in good hands with Ozzie on your post.  Ozzie will ask the though questions you need to ask yourself.  I am posting because I can identify with the punishing behavior.  My uBPDgf takes the punishing route with me when I do not do or act as she would like me to.  She will purposely withhold sex, affection, and sometimes just withhold time with eachother in general.  I try to not let it get to me. However, as she makes punishing stand after punishing stand for what I would consider very incidental disagreements...she is only pushing me further and further away in the process.  Especially when she withholds sex and affection.  Then I just stop trying, which then can make her suspicious that I am cheating because if I am not trying to get it from her where could I be getting it from.  I am not cheating by the way, but I am getting more an more fed up with the lack of sex/affection and the way she uses it as a punishment.  Talk about a turn off.  We have had sex maybe once in the in past 4 months (that is by FAR the least amount we have had for the 5 years we have been together).  To be honest, the one time we did have it I was not really into it.  Not like I used to be.  One thing people with BPD do not realize is the effects of their behaviors and actions on their partners.  We have had our roughest 6 month period recently and all she can do is tell me all the ways I need to change.  I am over here like, you have no idea sweetie!...because I am more and more turned off by her actions by the day.  We seem to be on a slight uptick as we are not arguing as much as we were during the holidays, but I am not all that physically attracted to her right now due to the fallout.  I am rambling a bit, but I really wanted to just let you know there are a lot of others on this board that will identify with the punishing behavior that BPD's bestow on their partners.  And no, none if it is warranted or should be tolerated.  We partners of BPD spouses often apologize for things that we really shouldn't have to apologize for...just to keep the peace.  I do it all the time.  Compounding that is when they feel they need to impose a punishment to make us feel like we need to redeem ourselves to them.  It is a manipulation tactic.