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Title: Am I a servant or a spouse? Post by: CHChuck on February 02, 2020, 09:33:16 PM First, thank you all, I appreciate this community...this is my first post.
Do any of you feel like you are servants? Tonight was a simply example of what happens daily. Tonight, we were watching the final episode of my favorite show ever together. About 30 minutes in, I offer to get dessert for us, I always do this. Tonight, she asked if my dessert would take more time to prepare than hers. It would - 3 minutes longer. Angrily, my wife insisted she was not prepared to wait and wanted to watch on without me. Without emotion, I suggest we just skip dessert tonight as I'm not willing to miss any of THIS show. This is not an option. I suggest she get her dessert and I get mine. I bet she'd only have to wait a minute or so in this case. Again, she refuses. After 5 minutes of this back and forth, she says, why didn't you just leave instead of arguing with me. At this suggestion, I get desserts and my wife has stopped talking to me. Although this kind of thing happens routinely (something family ask me to watch for) I'm flabbergasted by the selfishness. My questions is, "Do I wait for an apology? Push for a conversation?" Honestly, this is small, but I can give thousands of BIG examples...you all know the routine...extreme self focus, outburst, blame on me. Any suggestions? Honestly, at this moment, I cannot afford to live on my own since I've spent 30 years entirely focused on pleasing her. Title: Re: Am I a servant or a spouse? Post by: AbuNassif on February 02, 2020, 10:09:24 PM I have a suggestion. Don't offer dessert, or get the same for both of you, or say that it's hers that will take longer but you don't mind waiting. Someone that selfish can be treated like a restaurant customer without any guilt.
Title: Re: Am I a servant or a spouse? Post by: CHChuck on February 02, 2020, 11:43:34 PM Thanks for the advice. I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, to say, I'm not having dessert any more.
Does anyone else see these things happen in cycles? A week ago, everything was wonderful, then, slowly, things degrade. Yesterday, she snapped at me because I did not move out of the way when I saw her coming toward a cabinet in the kitchen. My assertion that I was moving quickly but had a right to be at that cabinet earned me the threat to leave me alone on my birthday evening. I'm sure if I can pull all my communication skills together perfectly, I will earn another week-long reset, but if I make a mistake...hang on! Title: Re: Am I a servant or a spouse? Post by: Cat Familiar on February 04, 2020, 09:59:46 AM It’s likely that you’ll never get an apology and bringing up this incident will only serve to create an argument. PwBPD often have little aptitude for empathy and often feel like they are the victims in any disagreement or dispute.
I’m going to move your post to the Bettering board. There you will learn strategies that will make your life easier. Learning to speak BPD is a new skill set to acquire and it will smooth over some of these rough edges in your relationship. |