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I’ve been NC with mom for about a year. My sister has been respectful but Our  relationship has suffered in closeness. She has become the rescuer for all of my moms needs and I have been thinking for a while that she probably wasn’t doing well mentally carrying it all.

But we have been maintaining the boundary of not discussing mom at all. But also she has not made an effort to have a relationship with me outside of a few family get together’s.

My sister finally texted me today that she cannot be silent anymore and needs to say some things.

Perhaps I was hyper vigilant but she didn’t reply immediately after that...

So I wrote…

I completely understand that you have probably a lot on your heart and you're entitled to all of your emotions.

I just know that for me the reasons I'm doing what I'm doing haven't changed. And It has made you uncomfortable I'm sure, and me and the family but it's not going to change unless I make that decision.
My response doesn't come from a place of anger or hate for anyone it's just how it is for me.

Her Response was an ok.

I thought for a moment to leave it there but I want my relationship to be better with my sister and I really do not  want to be in the triangle.

I took my opportunity to ask her if she felt mad at me because of my decision or that she was not allowed to have a relationship with me because Of my decision.
She stated she was just entirely uncomfortable and very very sad.

My txt:  Well you nailed it it's been really uncomfortable, because we have been trying to respect where each other is at.
Couldn't we try to have a relationship independent of other family members?
You and I are very interesting people and there's so many things we can still do together.

Her response:

Its possible...but i also want to be genuine...i am not going to just stuff my feelings down deep and hide then and put on a fasade of fakeness for appealing sake. I want real relationships..ones that are deep and meaningful and true. I can put on a happy face for appropriate situations. But i am hurt...and if u dont want to deal with my hurt..then thats something you have to decide.


My in the moment response was

Well acknowledging is the first part  you did that ...so for now we will just have to work on it.

All of this was texted and I was about to post here about digging more for my sisters feelings, trying to see if they were in fact hers or if they are enmeshed with mom.

Well lo and behold, that first text actually was a letter that when I clicked on it opened up.

It opened into a long list of assumptions my sister is making about what my no contact means (That I think about my mother)

She feels I have stamped mom with an insane label or unlovable.

Then she tells me that the quality of my heart is questionable to her because she believes I’m letting fear of my mom keep me away. And that my fear is preventing us all from being an “ideal family”
And here’s my favorite line...

.”but i am going to tell you in the most loving way, that your fear is making it impossible for our family to grow and heal from the past. “

Oh boy, does that make me feel ill. So I have my answer. My sister is fully enmeshed and feeling uncomfortable. Dare I say she’s feeling like she can’t breathe at this point because she’s been silent for almost a year.

She defends my mom passionately saying she just is a person that needs a lot of reassuring (with a small acknowledgment that this is sometimes frustrating)  and full of love to give.



D o I ask more about my sisters specific hurts or is this a trap because she’s been to enmeshed with mom?

The word hurt definitely triggers me because I feel like it’s the borderline person’s number one sentiment.

I’m sitting here racking my brain about what possibly could really be the issue between my sister and me that doesn’t involve my mom’s feelings and I’m coming up short.

Even before I want no contact my sister and eyes relationship was mostly how to deal with mom, Sprinkled with movie nights and wine.


I personally feel that my sister is not going to be open too much about my Actual reasons ...and I did stick up for myself and tell her I’m keeping my decision of no contact.


What is stumping me here is that my sister saying SHE IS HURT.


Should I just resolve myself to the fact that our relationship is not going to be deep because she is too much on mom’s side right now?

Imatter, I think your response was sufficient. When the timing is right, I'd just keep reiterating that you want to maintain your relationship with her. You used what you're learning about validating feelings and you supported her individual identity, something your mom hasn't been able to do for her. Great gifts.  |iiii

I wonder if she really believes the things she's saying or if it's the discomfort talking. Your decision not to talk to your mom has nothing to do with your sister, but if it's upsetting the family system. I can see why it bothers her. Maybe she felt guilty that she wasn't doing her part to keep the system  together so she spoke up.

What you said about resolving that your relationship will feel strained is accurate. Giving her space to sort through her feelings might be best for her right now. It can't be easy to hear that she feels hurt, but of course it's not because you're doing anything nasty or mean or self-serving. It's a byproduct of having to set boundaries and it's ok that she feels uncomfortable.  |iiii

If she wants to walk the road you're walking someday, be the model she can follow.  :hug:  

Hi Imatter!

This sounds eerily similar to something that I can see happening with one of my sisters, and I anticipate it happening very soon. This post will hopefully help me prepare a bit for how to respond. I'm sure that it was very hard to hear that she's been hurt, regardless of if it's your responsibility or not. A couple things that you wrote stood out to me.


If your mom is anything like my mom, then this statement would be stretching the boundaries of belief quite a bit. If you and your husband are able to see the reality of your mom's BPD, then it is not something that is well-hidden. Your sister is either willfully ignoring reality, or unable to accept what the reality is, because accepting it is hard. Very hard. From this, I would say that she is fully enmeshed.  She is hurt because she is feeling your mom's feelings for her. Your mom is hurting and feeling abandoned (I would assume); therefore, your sister is feeling the same. I have found myself doing this with own mom SO many times in my life. Honestly, unless she can be forthright about something that you have specifically done to hurt her, I would leave things where they are. I doubt that she can really be honest about what is really bothering her right now (e.g. family tension, etc.)

To again reference my aforementioned sister, I can at least give my own experience with this. My sister has always been the golden child with my mom (except a really weird year where she wasn't. I never could figure that one out...) Anyway, my S did finally go to counseling, and really the only thing that she told me about it was that the counselor said that she was codependent. I talked about that with my mom once, and she told me that both she and my S both that it was ridiculous. So that was her counseling. She's still very much the golden child among my three siblings, and still very enmeshed with my mom. Anyway, since I have been NC with my mom, our conversations have been more and more strained. We don't talk about any family matters through an unspoken agreement, and I have an uncontrollable urge to say every nice thing that I can think to say about my H when we talk. We mainly talk about our jobs, our health, our work out routines, and other random life stories. That's about it. Unfortunately, I think that I mentally link my sister with my mom in my mind. What I have decided is that I love my sister, but I cannot have a lot of contact with her and fully heal, even though she's not the one who I'm healing from. But, I know that in the future, I will be healed, and then that relationship can again be what it was. You might not be able to have a deep relationship with your sister right now and still do the work you need to do, but that doesn't mean forever.

Good luck!