BPDFamily.com

I have a D13 and S16 and 50/50 custody.  Divorced three years ago and SO happy I did.  My son is a typical teen; he hangs out with me a lot, avoids his mom at her house, but is kind of private as some teens are at that age.  My daughter and I are very close.  She has been to counseling two years ago to help her deal with her mother’s behaviors and create boundaries.  The counselor essentially confirmed that my ex was BPD after dealing with my children.  My D13 is a frequent target of my ex who is high functioning, manipulative and full of scorn.  I probably only know a small percentage of what has gone on over there but it has been tough at times for my daughter and I should know because I escaped it.  It hasn’t been bad enough that my D13 can’t handle it but this week was bad.

My S16 and D13 have been arguing a lot lately.  This summer, my son gave my daughter a hard time after she had been through a firm boundary setting event with her mother.  My son blamed my daughter for “stirring her mom up” and “hurting her feelings.”  I immediately took my son for a drive and reminded him of his own counseling and his mother’s behaviors.  He said he understood but I don’t think he gets it.  Anyhow two weeks ago he hit his sister during a minor argument.  That’s never happened.  I told him that if he did it again, driving privileges would be taken away.  My D13 called me and was hysterical (which never happens) on Tuesday nite and she said her brother had punched her in the shoulder so hard she almost fell.  To make it worse, her mother blamed her and told her she was responsible for getting hit and was later very angry to hear I was called.  I texted my ex and told her my son needed to drop his truck off at my house and give me the keys as I had warned him two weeks earlier about his temper and hitting his sister.  I found out my ex was very mean to my daughter for getting her brother in trouble.  My daughter is scared to go back and face her mother.  I did find out tonight that she keeps a journal about events with her mother.

My son told me he was never talking to his sister anymore (cold shoulder) which is exactly what their mother does when she has wronged you.  I stopped that immediately and reminded him it was toxic behavior.  The counselor and I have explained why this is not an acceptable healthy behavior to my kids but again my son just doesn’t seem to get it.  He loves his mom and is willing to see her behaviors as acceptable because he hides in his room all day.

My children have never been told about the true nature of their mother’s mental illness.  They know she isn’t normal of course.  The counselor suggested it two years ago and said she would tell them, but we decided against it at the time because I was scared it would blow up things with my ex.  The counselor  said it would mean more coming from her as my kids would think me slightly biased.  I’m wondering if I should set an appointment and have both my kids simply told about it.  I think I lost an opportunity.

Telling about BPD might help your daughter, but from what you describe, it might not go over well with your son. Hard to say if he's semi-enmeshed, or defaults to appeasing (or staying out of it) to keep himself safe.

My kids are only 10 and almost 8, but I've said to S10, "how would you like it if I were to hit you like you did your sister?" He doesn't like it (and truthfully, she can be a nasty pincher, so it can be reciprocal). Not sure how that approach would go over if he were 16.

At 16, it might be time for a talk about DV, and not just one sided, that men can be victims also. 

A better initial approach might be to ask him if he's angry and why (if he says he is). Validation. Sounds like a tough situation. You love them both, and want to protect them, especially your girl, yet don't want to get into alienation territory.

Your poor kids.  It's toxic for both of them for your ex to be blaming your daughter for the reactions of your son (you deserve to get hit) and then blaming her again for your son being in trouble.  They are both being gaslighted by their mom, and they are both being set up for abusive relationships in the future.

You are doing a great job, having them in counseling and enforcing boundaries and consequences.

Have you given any thought to trying to get more time with them/less time with mom? 

My SD is 12.  Things started escalating with her uBPDmom when SD hit puberty and started differentiating from mom more.   We got SD therapy, and mom did not react well to SD's new boundaries.  It's so heartbreaking.

Thanks.  In the past I think that I have downplayed in my own mind just how bad my ex can be. Like I said she is extremely high functioning and intelligent and so the kids believe that she knows better. You are right that this makes the gaslighting even more difficult to deal with.

After my daughter told me last night that she keeps a journal about mom it convinced me to tell her that if things continue the way they were we could work towards getting her at my house more often.  My daughter is a good kid and doesn’t go looking for trouble. The dynamic for my son however would be difficult as my ex would probably convince him fairly easily that dad was the one creating all of the confusion and overreacting. I hate to say this but I am fearful of my 110 pound ex And her likely reactions to that.

This is upsetting. I'm sorry.


I want to second this. You are doing an exceptional job of keeping your kids grounded. I love that your daughter keeps a journal! (And I hope it's not kept in a place that her mom can discover it - that happened once in our family and it caused major issues.)

If it seems like your son isn't listening that's kind of par for the course. You'll see the results of your investment when he's a little older. These are tough years.  


Good! In the spirit of finding a way that makes any shift feel less personal, is it possible to create experiences or take up hobbies that require D13 to spend more time with you? That might work better than a formal agreement with an official time change that might feel sudden and spark conflict.


It's a possibility. Is there anything you can do to mitigate or prepare, or is it about acceptance? How would you respond if he came to you and said this?

Also, if you're like me, it hurts your heart when your kids fight. My D18 and D16 fought horribly for many years and they are now inseparable. They change a lot from about 16-17 so hang in there. It'll be ok.
 

Thanks for the comments!

My kids have always been very very close.  They do love each other.  I don’t see that as a problem but I did not like how my son tried to further punish his sister with cold shoulder treatment.  That’s a big red flag for me and tells me he is emulating mom.

If my son made the claim it was my fault, I would again remind him that I set the boundary and he broke it.  His fault, not mine.  That actually already happened because he tried to bargain to get his vehicle back earlier.

My family and girlfriend are pushing me to get a lawyer involved over this.  My daughter would not object.  It would create quite a stormy period however and I’m not exactly sure it would be worth it for my kids and I.

What are you worried about happening?

It doesn't hurt to consult a lawyer and find out your options (you may or may not have a good case for a change), and to talk to the kids' counselors and see what the T thinks is best for the children.

It was ROUGH for my SD12 when H filed for primary custody and majority time two years ago.  The legal fight only lasted a few months because mom is afraid of court and caved, but she lashed out at H and SD for months after that.  (Which led us to file for even more parenting time.  It was not a good cycle, but is much better now.)

I’m worried about ex using a legal battle started by me to alienate my son from me, as well as just the general stress levels that will rise for my daughter and I.  My ex will get really abusive in texts and emails but I suppose that can be used against her.

Alienation is a real possibility.  If you choose to go the legal route, you might want to brainstorm with your son's therapist on what you can do to help him.

The abusive messages are good evidence.  They are also good catalysts to set stronger boundaries.  My H finally blocked his ex from calling, texting, or emailing him, me, or SD.  She has to go through a parenting app.  The app has threads for different topics, and it shows the crazy really clearly.

Last week I told my daughter who was still struggling with mom that there were mental health issues with her mother that the counselor was willing to teach her about.  I explained how that was the reason I had both kids go to counseling three years earlier...not to tell them what was wrong with mom but to teach them how to handle mom after I was out of her mother’s reach.  My daughter said she did not want to go back to counseling and asked me to tell her instead.  The counselor had told me I could tell her myself but would mean more from an independent person like the counselor.

Tonight I told my daughter about the clear BPD like behaviors and explained it simply.  I brought up my daughters recent painful experiences with her mom that highlighted the behaviors.  My daughter was incredibly Understanding.  The first words out of that kids mouth as she started crying was “I feel so bad that you and grandpa and grandma and my aunt were treated like this for so long without knowing why.”

I explained that we were just fine and she shouldn’t worry.  I also reminded her that I had deeply loved her mother and was so happy to have had her and her brother as a result.  Much more was discussed but perhaps the best part is that she asked if she could learn more about it from her counselor.  I feel relieved that my daughter will be able to learn how to better protect herself and that she can truly see that moms scorn isn’t her fault.

You handled that conversation beautifully.  :heart: |iiii Her understanding response means you did an excellent job of explaining the disorder and not making her mom a villain.