BPDFamily.com

I’ve been in a “relationship”-I use the word lightly to describe my situation here with BpD male for 20 months.
I often feel like I’m on a roller coaster and never knowing if the next text that comes through is going to f-off, I love you, or what are you eating for dinner?  To say I’ve been through hell and back would be an understatement. I’m beginning to think I’m crazy for putting up with it all. The verbal and emotional abuse and controlling type of behaviors has me constantly unbalanced.  To make matters worse, multiple times I have caught him cheating and he’s even had relationships of varying degrees throughout the “relationship” I have read that often bpd have a “primary relationship” or so called favorite (I’m that person) which is person they see most, spend holidays with, and work/family knows about, but are always on the prowl for others. They always have a backup plan?  When my bpd is mad at me, he will go to any lengths to degrade me including suggesting that he will send the ceo of my company naked pictures of me. But I always forgive.  He always lures me back in somehow.
But now in the past couple of months something feels “off again.” All the sudden the person that literally wants me there non stop needs space? I live long distance but for awhile we even lived together. I was there Thur through Sunday every week and later found out other women were sleeping in my bed! How do they get away with the lies and deceit.
On another occasion after having Easter brunch and having his children over, he sent pictures to all of his “harem” of the food  I cooked. That afternoon he was to leave out of state so he dropped me off. Two days later he was “found” in Vegas with a 19 year old girl (he’s 50). His own brother told me about this. In the past his antics would get figured out because he had a severe drinking problem that landed him in the hospital and he would pass out for days at a time. During those times I’d have his phone and wow what I would find out! Hundreds of texts a day from other women.
He went into rehab for alcohol and I thought it would get better. Well it did seem to for a few months. It was bliss and I could feel he was 100 percent with me. Emotionally etc. he wanted to prove where he was and establish trust. Then one day it evaporatored like vapors.
I saw this all too familiar pattern...I’m quoting here:
We don’t ever get along-we always fight;
I hate the way you look and dress (usually compliments me)
You’re getting old (he’s obsessed with youth)
You’re a trigger for me
I hate you and I hope you die
I love you and I need you
He’s going to kill himself because he’s a piece of PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)

And then endless turmoil, cold shouldering me-followed by obsessive texting and calling. One minute he’s saying I need to move in and be happy. The next hes saying let’s take a vacation and then the next is do you want to be friends with benefits? Now all of the sudden I’m seeing new patterns emerge. I don’t know if he’s devaluing me again or if This is the final discard? I feel so sad all the time and I don’t know how to get out of this. It’s like kicking heroine. Even more frustrating is I’ve never allowed anything like this before. I know what’s happening and the likelihood he’s courting someone else while I “hang in the wings,” but I can’t stop taking his calls despite him telling me to block him. I feel like I’m slowly being deprived of oxygen.

It sounds like quite a rollercoaster of a relationship. We understand how crazymaking some of these BPD relationships can be. Since you’re new here, I’m going to move your post to the Bettering Board. You will learn skills there to improve your boundaries and protect yourself while you sort this out and decide what you want to do about this relationship.

 :hug:
Cat

Dear Sunny girl-

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for what brings you here, but glad you’ve found us.  As Cat says, there are many tools here to help as you navigate your way through this difficult and confusing relationship.

I know you’re sad. I’m sorry for your pain.  I feel it, my friend.  I’d like to suggest you step back for a bit, take a breath (more than one) and perhaps stop focusing on him.  Move your eyes toward yourself.  That’s a painful thing to do, but really really necessary.

In situations like these, we’ve really GOT to figure out WHY we engage in our own “delusion of forgive and forget”.  You KNOW what he’s done... why are YOU doing what you’re doing?

This is NOT to blame you, Sunny Girl.  Not at all.  I lived with an emotionally abusive husband for 19 years, and did not know I was abused... until the night he physically threw me across the room.  He’s my exH now.  He was a bad man - extreme NPD with BPD traits, I learned after the fact.  He was a liar, cheater, etc.  and my head was in the sand.

After time passed, I entered a relationship with my uBPDbf (undiagnosed BPD boyfriend).  He’s a good man, but troubled.  We’ve been together for over 6 years now.  No cheating, but tons of unprovoked raging and silly lies.  Our relationship has improved 1000% because of what I’ve learned and applied.  And how he’s responded.

You ask “When do you Call it Quits” - well, on the “Bettering” board we don’t give “RUN” messages... however... my advice is to lose your fear.  All of it.  Whatever it takes to do that.  If you’re NOT in therapy, perhaps it’s time to enter therapy and hold a mirror up to yourself.  Be your own best friend.

If this man is saying one thing and doing another, go with his actions.  Words are NOTHING.  Pay attention to what he does.

And my friend, don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.  I’m not sure who said that, but it’s brilliant.

And my words... you cannot love someone to wellness.  And you cannot “fix” him.

Please stay with us and continue posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes