BPDFamily.com

Hi,

My first post, I'll post in the intros next. Sorry to jump the gun.

My relationship failed 2 weeks ago. It's failed many times before and it recovered in 1 - 2 weeks however this time she is definitely for real. Showing all the signs of break away. She has cut all contact. Absolutely every avenue including family members to me. We both I'd say panic reacted straight to online dating in the first week and saw each other. That I think initiated the total no contact.

While we didn't live together she has left a lot of stuff at my house. About half a truck load. She insisted on coming to get it then as things broke down insisted on coming to get it when I'm not there. I offered to drop it off but that was an outright no (I'd say lack of trust she will get it all which she would). Now without contact I am left 2 weeks later with all her stuff. I'm tempted to break the ice and drive it to her apartment, stay there until she acknowledges that she cannot leave me with her stuff.

I'll admit, the reason in this section is because I do want to recover the relationship if possible (I believe not much chance). If I wait until she may be ready to collect her things, she will distance fast (has said she does) and it's also allowing this behaviour of using me. If I force return I am invading her private space and making her feel semi stalked by me.

Any advice is well respected. I am at my ends over the break up and handling it very poorly. No sleep, emotionally wrecked, disrupted work performance etc. I'm in a sound mind to talk to her however. I do believe she will avoid the conversation at all costs.

Hey Nylem,

I just wanted to say that I know how you're feeling and how hard it is to navigate these relationships and breakups. I'm going through something similar myself and quite unsure on how to proceed. You're not alone.

Is her stuff being in your house causing you distress? Or are you looking for an opportunity to see her? If its the former, then I think you need to do what you need to do, regardless of how she feels about it. There could be a way you can do that without appearing vindictive or standoffish, or stalker-ish. If its not causing you any distress, then I would say just leave it and give yourself (and her) some breathing room.

Thanks Dungahass,
Some support now I'm grateful for. The bond was very deep and severing it so instantly brings similar grief to someone passing away. It's like she no longer exists.
I'll leave it tucked away in the back room then until she is ready. Another concern is that she will just leave it forever considering it abandoned.

I can feel your pain, just from your post. I know that pain, I've been there. I'm here if you wanna talk about it some more. Others on this board will too. When my ex and I broke up last year, the first few weeks were the hardest. That feeling of a sudden severance of the deep bond and constant contact was a system shock for sure. It created a void so large that I didn't know how I could survive without it. I kept saying to myself, "how could someone with such a deep bond to me discard me so quickly? Breaking up is one thing, but this? Its like I don't exist anymore, and I never mattered." I felt like everything I knew was gone in an instant, and so was the person I knew. And then came the harshest pushbacks I have ever seen from her. I didn't realize it in these terms at the time, but I was painted black, and it was gut-wrenching. It made me panic, and act out in desperation, which would just lead to more soul-crushing tongue lashings from her.

I'm not saying this to make your topic about me, but rather just to let you know that I know how you feel, and that eventually, the pain does weaken, even if a little. Hang in there, and keep your support system nearby. And post here if it helps. It's still fresh, your distress is totally normal.

I suggest you that you try not to worry too much right now about if she will leave it there forever. Perhaps just leaving it out of sight, and (sorta) out of mind is enough for now. In the other thread, you said you are worried your ex might avoid thinking about you and moving on/detaching from you. Perhaps you can borrow some of that mindset, with respect to her stuff.


I won't pretend to know how your mind works, you know yourself better of course. But I'm not sure how both those things can be true at the same time, right now. I've been, and still are to some extent, through exactly that. The breakup and my attempts at reconciliation started affecting all aspects of my life, including work, sleep, and I was/am an emotional wreck (running off to a conference room at work so I can cry alone). And in that fragile state, I was/am SOO vulnerable to her moods/love/devaluation each time I did communicate with her. Perhaps right now a break is best, for yourself? To give yourself even just one day, or just one hour, of semi-peace? I'm not minimizing how hard it is to do that in the least, but do you think you can try?