BPDFamily.com

 My spouse has BPD and has been abusive for a long time hitting, biting, name calling.  I have a new counselor and he is walking me through this BPD, others missed it because of some health issues that coincided with the behavior at times when it was at it's worst. The abuse comes almost every day or every other day.  We have two small kids 2 and 3.5, they have seen it. I guess what I'm trying to see if anyone has experience in this after you divorce does the spouse turn on the kids or can they throttle back. I've met with an attorney who has got me documenting this.  I guess I have some shame since i have fought back a few times.  Not proud of it, I just hit the end of what i can take. i think i'm looking for some feedback and encouragement on leaving.

Welcome! Even though your reason for coming here is very stressful, we are glad you found your way to us. There are a number of members on this board who have had to work through this, and you will receive help and support.

The physical abuse is the most immediate concetn. You say this has been going on for quite awhile, and that the children are it. We emphasize "Safety First."

Can you give us some more info on your situation right now? Do you have a safety plan? Do you have any support from a Domestic Violence organization and counselor?

Your lawyer is telling you to document what is happening? What is he/she advising you to do when the verbal and emotional abuse moves into physical abuse?

Have you ever called the police or had police involved? Does your spouse have a record of assault?

We're here for you.

Since it is common with BPDs I imagine many on here have endured some form of physical abuse.  To a BP it is just another form of abuse.

A sensitive situation for you.  I think the first piece of advice you will get is to seek some situation where you and the kids are free and away from ANY kind of physical abuse.  That's first.  The kids should not see this, ever.  In and of itself this is a form of child abuse.

Note.  BPs are also prone to false accusations.  Beware of getting into a physical altercation and being made out to be the bad one even if you are defending yourself.  This is another reason to seek an alternate arrangement.

As for what could happen after, this board is littered with stories of what kinds of things happen after the divorce.  Included are also stories of success and I think anyone who has been in your situation will agree that they are much better off away from that kind of abuse.        

Hi pctater and *welcome*


Gagrl asked you a lot of great questions so I won't ask more except to ask if you have outside sources of support like friends and family?  :)

I do want to link you to our safety plan (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf) in case you have not taken these steps to ensure you know what to do should you need to leave or exit your home whether it is for a short time or longer.  It is just a precaution really and it is always easier to strategize and make a plan when things are calm rather than when in crisis when it is hard to think.

Anyway, I hope you post more.  You are not alone in this and we can help support you.

My experience is that divorce can shine quite a bit of light on malignant behaviors and a BPD spouse can throttle back in some ways but ramp it up in others.

Professionals get involved and scrutiny of bad behaviors often increases. Even the perception of scrutiny can cause things to change.

Anecdotally, it does seem that fathers with BPD are more interested in *winning* than in parenting. My ex fought for more visitation even when he wasn't able to make good on what he already had. He wanted control over decision-making without doing any of the work, similar to how he had been in the marriage. Every issue that required some kind of cooperation turned into a bizarre, irrational long-drawn out battle.

The dark downside is that in his attempts to become the greatest disney dad of all time, he begins to practice parental alienation. If you aren't seeing signs of that already, it's a good idea to read up on it so you can counteract things. Alienation is very insidious and psychologically mind bending when it involves kids who aren't as developmentally able to understand what's being done to them.

A good place to start is Don't Alienate the Kids by William Eddy and Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. And anything by Dr. Craig Childress who you can find online. He's a bit academic at times but has great tips.

How do the kids get along with their dad right now?

What is their relationship like with him?