BPDFamily.com

I feel confident in most interactions with my mom, confident in who I am, in my beliefs, and in my choices. Until I am not.
She has this magic way of making me feel like the smallest most awful person in the world, with only three words. She also has this way of knowing exactly what those words are. I feel like every time I get to a good place and I am feeling confident I let my mom back in. It always ends up in some dramatic situation, and she uses those magic words of hers and I walk away. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have gone NC or LC without ever really knowing what I was doing it until I discovered the concept of BPD.

I don't want to open myself up to a relationship with her again unless I am confident that I can conquer those magic words. I have done therapy a couple of times and really thought I had it this time. I didn't.

I feel like I have seen this feeling expressed in other's writings, and wanted to explore what might have worked for others?

Her accusations are something along the lines of you don't support me, you hate me, and you always distance yourself.

The feelings evoked when she uses her magic words are always, I am not a good enough person, I don't take care enough for my family and people I love. It's my fault out relationship is not good.

My rational brain is aware that this is her perspective, not true, and possibly projection/fear of abandonment.

How do you make your rational mind meet your emotional one?

How do I take back her power over me?

This is what has been rolling around in my head while I consider the shift from NC to LC.

Will the knowledge of BPD be enough this time?

Hi.   :hi:

Yeah, I get this.  My mom knew every button to push.  A friend once said:  "Of course she knows which buttons to press!  She put most of them there!".  I take that more to mean my mom knew me, but yes, a lot of my buttons are directly tied to my mom.  :(

I think it will help.  What worked for me, and your mileage will vary, is working on my emotional reaction by actually interacting with my mom.  I never cut contact specifically because of the struggle you describe here.  I knew that for me, it was vital that I be able to interact in new ways with her so that my mind and my heart could heal.   I did not want to be brought to my knees with a phone call or a few words and I did not want to be terrified that I might run into her.  I had read about that happening with others and given the length of time I lived with my mom and the sort of abuse I experienced, I knew "just" cutting contact would not be good or sufficient for me to reach self differentiation. That was my process though and I know it is different for everyone. 

Lets see what others have to share and maybe something will click for you.

SS,
Hi there.
I am wondering if those three magic words are "You are selfish!"

I don't need a response, but I stated them just to let you know they are the words that have weighted me down for an extremely long time.

In some of your very own responses to my posts I know that you are profoundly aware of your own value, and the needs that you have that made you go NC.

In my most recent fiasco of self-doubt and guilt (feels a lot like "YOU ARE SO SELFISH) in my head...I got comfort from studying JADE.
Even if your ultimate goal is to reach a level of confidence and have LC with her, the reality that you do not owe her an explanation of how your feelings, actions and opinions make her feel.
No justifying, arguing, defending or explaining.
I am working on these too, but in my journey so far... I believe the meeting of the minds is in the tools you have now that you did not before. My own emotional state of mind has never been strong enough. It's only by beefing up rationality (here and with a counselor, books, positive self-care) that I can find the power to not become emotionally overwhelmed.

And when emotions ease on up, and boundaries grow stronger I can see my mother in a more loving light.

Hi Sepia!  :hi:

I don't have a BPD parent, but my dad had NPD and I've been on the receiving end of comments like your mom doles out.

I've found emotional and physical distance very stabilizing, needed time to process. I can see the wisdom in what Harri's saying, too. After a period of NC with my family, I started visiting once a year. The time-limited interactions safely offered opportunities to exercise Wisemind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind) muscles, closing the gap between rational and emotional.

I also talked to others about hurtful interactions. Seeing their response and hearing centering statements was a great antidote.

Feeling prepared makes me feel more stable and calm. I consider comments they've made and I write down how I plan to respond, even how I will feel in that moment. I'm a step ahead.

I love imatter's comment about 'beefing up rationality.'  |iiii

I love what you wrote here!

I am glad you are reaching out to us describing how you go between not being that affected by what your mother does to sometimes to just feeling terrible when she says certain things. I think most of us who were raised by a mother with BPD can identify with what you are saying. I find it can really help to keep reminding myself that the cruel things anybody says to another person are all about how unhappy the person who is being mean to others really is, and it is not about me. It helps me to pay attention to the body language, tone of voice, and not just the words to understand what the underlying feeling is of the person who is deliberately being cruel with their words. It sounds like you have made great progress in not letting what your mother says and does affect you most of the time. Is is possible that your mother has gotten meaner with her words with time as she is less able to make you feel badly about what she says? If you do go back to LC, you will likely be less affected by what you mother does as you have had some time to heal and learn more about BPD, though still bothered at times by what she says because she is your mother.

Harri,
This makes so much sense, I have been saving myself and getting temporary relief by being NC or LC, but I think it makes it easy for me in particular not to deal with it head-on. For me, NC and LC have never been a long term solution.

Imatter,
  YES ! omg yes
Imatter,
    Thank you for this great point, one I need to work on I will be rereading JADEing. This may be the hurdle I need to conquer! Owning that belief that I don't need to JADE.

PJ,
     I really like this idea, I plan to use it and do have a few planned responses in my back pocket that I have worked on with my current T.

SS

Hi SepiaScarf,

The title of this post really caught my eyes. Some months ago before I had begun seeing my T and had even heard of BPD, I broke down with frustration and asked my oldest sister for help with my mom. We are not close, and we typically would never talk about something like that, but I felt desperate for help. She didn't say a lot, but what she said is that there really are no magic words for dealing with my mom. There's no way to magically say the right thing and have her suddenly understand, empathize, and react like I want her to react. That was probably the most profound thing she's ever told me, and she's completely right.

She reminded me that as an adult, I get to choose what I listen to and believe. My mom is going to say what she is going to say, and she has a right to express hurt and her feelings just as much as anyone else. But, her feeling and saying something doesn't make it true. Just like there are no magic words to make things better with her, she has no magic words to make me believe or feel something. That is something that I choose to allow her to do. Although we aren't close, my sister helped me more in that short conversation than I think she'll ever realize.

So you wonder if knowledge of BPD will be enough this time? Yes, I think it will. Knowledge is empowering because it takes the "magic" out of her words. When she says the "you are selfish" things (Oh boy, how that hits close to home), you are now able to recognize projection, dysregulation, splitting, and everything else going on in her brain that is causing her to say that. Her words suddenly just don't have the same effect anymore. And I write this just as much to you as to myself. I am right there with you in the struggle. Just wanted to share something that has really helped me out the last few months  :hug:

All of the above, and emotional detachment.

Because I'm informed about BPD now, when my mom says her magic words or any other words designed to push my buttons, I'm more able to be an observer of her saying them, and not have the trigger emotional reaction I used to have, OR, not have as strong a reaction.  I'm still a work in process.  It's gonna take a while to get good at it.

My mom has a few magic words:

You are selfish
You don't love me
Everybody's leaving me

Just understanding that BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation has helped me.  And being told that I don't need to feel my mom's feelings for her was life changing, cs up until I was told that, I had no awareness that was even happening.  

I don't know if I can say how I've managed emotional detachment.  I think it's just happened on its own with a lot of processing, and a lot of reflection, T, and time spent on this board.  Knowing that BPD is a legitimate "thing", has also helped me understand this difficult relationship is not all my fault.  I think for me, emotional detachment has helped me to not react to her on an emotional level, but on more of a rational level.  If I'm rational, I can use SET, validating questions, and boundaries.   The relationship is less dramatic when I'm rational, and less emotional.  Low contact has also played a role. 

I struggle with this too, but a counselor helped me to manage it.

These aren't "magic" words-they are manipulation and it works because we are so vulnerable to them. Of course we want our parents tnto think well of us. It's a special relationship. We can't change someone else- but we can work on our reactions.

It has to do with boundaries. We don't have strong boundaries with a parent, it's a special relationship. However what someone thinks of us doesn't make it true. The boundary is that we need to hold on to what we know is true and what isn't. If someone tells us something, we can stop, listen, decide if it is true or not, and then decide how to respond.

There are a few ways to think about this. If a total stranger said " you are selfish", it probably wouldn't feel good to hear this, but it also wouldn't be as hurtful. We could stop, think, is this true? Then realize this person doesn't know me, so it doesn't define me, and let it go.

Substitute something absurd for the "magic word" like pink elephant. If your mother said " you are a pink elephant" would you fear it is true? Would it hurt? More likely you would think " this is crazy" because you are absolutely certain that you are not a pink elephant. This is a boundary- what is you, what is not you, and you know you are not a pink elephant. Someone could call you that all day long and it wouldn't make you one. Nobody has the power to change you into a pink elephant with their words.

Now, go back and substitute "selfish".  This one is harder because maybe sometimes we are selfish and sometimes we are not. But sometimes it is OK to think of ourselves and not be co-dependent. Your mother might think this is selfish, act terribly hurt, but you can say no, you can think of yourself when you need to. These are her words, her feelings, but that doesn't make it true. She doesn't define you with her feelings.

It's hard to stand firm with this, but when she uses "magic words" if you can mentally substitute "pink elephant" it helps you react less. We own the ability to make these words into just words, not magic words. It takes some work but it's possible.

A fantastic technique I learned from this board a long time ago is, when you hear one of those phrases - phrases designed to dump fear, obligation, and guilt on you, turn them around in your head.

A huge part, maybe the single largest part, of BPD is projection.  Remember, the BPD has an inability to separate themselves from their children.  Their internal model sees the child as a mere extension of themselves.  This is often expressed in the splitting of siblings in the "Golden child", who can do no wrong, and the "Black sheep," who can do no right.  However both are really just vessels the BPD has chosen to pour all their own internal conflict into.  They attribute to the Golden all the things they wish were true about themselves, and onto the Black all the things they fear are true.

So when my mother ranted on about how selfish I was, how every day was another day I ruined thing for my family because I wanted something and didn't get it - I realized she was really talking about herself - about how her need-driven melt-downs frequently ruined things in our family, and ultimately destroyed it in any functional sense.

After awhile, it's kinda funny, though mostly sad, to watch her mind racing around, building up barriers to stand between her and reality.  It's done, I know, to protect the damaged little girl she really is inside.  She used to frequently scream at me "You're acting like you're six."  Although she was the one throwing the tantrum because she wasn't getting her way.  Acting six when you're ten and acting six when you're forty are two entirely different things.

Notwendy,

Sorry for the late response, but I just wanted to say that I loved this example. Every time I think about the way she made me feel and the fear of feeling it again, I also think about this comment and it leaves me with a smile.

I think its helping.

SS