BPDFamily.com

About a 5 months ago, the source of my struggles over the past 30 years with my wife became crystal clear. At my wife's insistence, I began seeing a therapist to treat "my BPD". My therapist helped me see I am the spouse and guided me to some great books for help.

Over the months, I feel like I've learned a tremendous amount about how I can approach conversations with my wife in a way that does not set her off. Sometimes, I'm shocked by how effective my efforts are with her. Other times, nothing short of being a perfectly programmed robot would suffice.

On of my biggest struggles is that there's no one here to validate how  incredibly hard I work to communicate with my wife. My wife insists these blow-ups are my fault and I'm just learning how to avoid "fighting with her." Doing backflips I to avoid "attacking" her when I ask her to ease up on her criticisms and running cold water or ice on my hands to bring down my heart rate to minimize sending ANY signal I have lost my emotions are a few of the things I've learned.

How I would love to have a AA-like sponsor to share with when I kick butt in these instances. Unfortunately, my wife has no appreciate for it.

It sounds like you are doing a good job noticing your reactions and trying to minimize them to avoid setting her off. I've found these boards to be very validating and filled with tips and tricks. If nothing else, they help you feel less alone.

she might have more appreciation for it than you think.

and by the same token, given the nature of BPD, perhaps she is also uncomfortable with the change.

i know the anxiety of conflict with someone with bpd traits all too well, but you do sound like youre walking on eggshells, and i think acting like a robot is no way to live. your wife may be picking up on that, and feeling like you arent emotionally there.

what do you think?