BPDFamily.com

 while working on my wife’s computer, I found some texts from her sibling that are pretty troubling. The family member is someone my wife hasn’t spoken to in years because of Some conflicts. He hasn’t spoken with me in over a decade but thinks I’m “untrustworthy “ basset on concocted stories  my wife had told him.

Now that I’m setting limits and working incredibly hard to communicate in a productive way, she has had some substantial outbursts. During one of those, she ran to her sibling for support, despite what that person has done to our family.

In the texts,  he is  judging How I am responding (according to her) as unhealthy. More importantly, the two of them are making fun of the fact that I am on this cite looking for answers and support.  This second point but feels like a betrayal. Honestly, it feels like the affair she has a decade ago.

I think her new  relationship is hindering our recovery. I also do not like putting in the effort if they are going to make fun of it.

1) How to I keep going?
2) Do I tell her about discovering the texts? I don’t want to derail the conversation with a legitimate argument that I should not have seen them.

CHChuck, what a terrible thing to go through! It is indeed a huge betrayal and I feel for you in this situation.
All the same, I would not recommend letting her know that you know. Of course secrets between spouses is never a good thing, but sometimes we have to ask ourselves why we want them to know. Is it to relieve our consciences or because it is a way to address an issue that hurts us?  Bottom line, she trusted you by letting you use her computer and you betrayed that trust. Something like that with a BPD person never ends well. It is a disease where trust lies at the very core of healing, and your every effort should be directed to building that trust.

It is a feature of BPD to try and build a support network independent of their spouse. I used to feel very threatened by this, but the more I learn about my beloved's history of broken relationships and emotional betrayals, the more I understand the urge to build a fallback position. Indeed when she dysregulates I perfectly understand the temptation to walk away...   So I strive to be patient with her need to have others in her life, even if her way to get their support is over my metaphorical body.

What you might find helpful is this discussion on how to avoid emotional triangles: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
 It saved my bacon during a very tough time and I certainly credit it with my current relationship peace (no doubt short but lovely while it lasts  :)  )

If you feel a need to speak to her about her brother, then wait for a calm moment and refer to him without mentioning the texts. I agree that hostile in-laws make a difficult situation worse, but two wrongs will not make a right. It is better to forget as much about the texts as you can and focus on the timber in your own eye.


 :hug:
Khib

Wow! Thank you for these words!  I have been swimming in a sea of pain the past week. Making matters worse, with his encouragement, she is withholding money - she comes from substantial wealth.

Your words ring true, though. Trust is the foundation and she has always gone to him when she needs someone to back her, no matter what those who truly know her, like her immediate family, say.

CHChuck, I feel your pain. Have no comfort to offer except it gets better with time. Stay focused on keeping yourself healthy, browse the boards and see how other people cope. 

How is it going with the triangle?

 :hug:
Khib