BPDFamily.com

I am in the process of divorcing my BPD wife/partner of 16 years.  She is not officially diagnosed, but I can check all the boxes.  We have had a very long, intense relationship.  The cycles of adoration then rage and blame happened slowly over time.  I moved out 5 years ago due to emotionally and verbally abusive treatment, and although we continued to work on our relationship, it never really got better.  I know that getting out is the right thing to do for my own health and sanity, I have become stronger and have set boundaries this past year, which brought on worse and worse behavior from her.  I ended the relationship, and I am now in a place of extreme pain and anger and I need some help getting through, as it feels that I will be in this dark place forever.  She was the love of my life, and I was willing to fight for and work on it to make it last forever, as the adoring co partner.  I’m sure this all sounds familiar in the BPD community.  With knowing how mean and vindictive she could be, when I made the decision to get out of the cycle of abuse and not be drawn back in yet again for the 10,000th time, I had to be very swift and abrupt.  I have not seen her or talked to her since just before filing for divorce.  There has been no contact at all, and she is living very close by.  Very stressful.  I have shut down any attempt at communication because I know it will just be a manipulation to get me back where she wants me, so she can start in on me again.  I am seeing a counselor.  2 months into the divorce process, I am really struggling.  Friends we have together do not know the extent of what she did to me in private, because of course her public self is charming, charismatic, fun.  I do not feel that I have true support from them, because they are wanting to support each of us, which means listening to her lies and manipulations.  I am not wavering in my decision, but I feel very alone, suffering and damaged from the years of this.  I own my faults.  Is any closure possible?  Do I need to lose many of my lifelong friends as well, because they don't understand (or maybe don't want to know) the truth of what was happening all those years?

It may seem counterintuitive, but I’m going to move your post to the Bettering Board. I know you are divorcing, and that this is a really difficult process, especially with a partner who is BPD.

The reason I’m moving your post is that though you’ve not had contact with her for a while, it’s likely you will as the divorce moves through court. And on that board, you will learn ways to strengthen your boundaries and defuse conflict, so that process will go more smoothly.

As to your mutual friends, I’d think that some of them have more understanding about her than you might think, despite her social skills. My former husband was more outgoing, yet after the divorce, I ended up with most of our friends. Some of them were then quite candid about what they had observed in him.

Closure is something I'm trying to struggle with now too. And like you, the emotional and verbal abuse was really bad. Yet, she is the love of my life too. I'm now 1 month into no contact, and 7 weeks with just one conversation that was brutal to me. It's just so damaging to the spirit and makes me feel horrible. And like you, I know she's telling her friends things about me that aren't true, and they loved me. It's just so frustrating and painful, I hear you. I hope others can contribute on how to come to a place of knowing that we are doing the best thing amidst the regret and fear.