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One thing I've noticed I do quite a lot is have conversations in my head with my ex as if reached out in the future. They tend to be set around her feeling some remorse and regret for what happened in the relationship and how i'd respond. Responses vary between go  :cursing: yourself to talking about what happened in a more grown up way and even reaching some kind of mutual forgiveness.

I'm finding this particularly annoying because it keeps a familiarity that maintains a connection...even though there isn't any. All of which is a barrier to releasing the memories of closeness and forgetting.

It also projects onto her the idea that she would feel some remorse which isn't something I've really seen her being able to do. It's over, i'm glad it's over, shes got a whole new life ... so why do I  keep living in this imaginary past/future? Is this just me and any thoughts how to stop?

I still tend to do this over 6 years later.

Some of this might be part of a natural stage of detaching: most of us never get answers, at least answers which are validating. In a sense, such infernal dialogs might be a way to vent without drama in real life. As such, it might be a healthy and normal part of the detaching process. What do you think?

I think it might indeed be as simple as venting as I've not had a chance to. I never got to tell her that she hurt me and for some reason that makes it hard to let leave it be

People talk about PTSD symptoms around this stuff too. Not sure how I fit on that scale but I certainly still get a lot of flashes of memories daily.. And since there's nowhere to go with those as there's no longer any communication, maybe the only route for your brain to go is fantasy conversations.

My ex acknowledged that she hurt me,  yet she sell did what she did and her wording was centered around her feelings. "I wish I'd never left you!" Only because she was suffering in her new relationship.  Yes, it was kind of validating, and most of its never get that, but it was also empty to me. We need to give ourselves closure.

I still do it every now and then. Only dated for 6 months ish, been broken up since end of November.

It's part of the detachment process I think. I'm not sure if it's healthy or not... but it makes me feel a little better.

Great thread...

I too still do this - and my theory as to why it happens is because for some of us, the relationship was so warped and mind bending that you can't grieve the end of it in the normal sense.  

Depending on what happened, the person we thought we were with didn't really exist and maybe only showed themselves at the very last second and then... poof - you're gone.

It may not feel like it - but that is a really big shock to the rational brain. You can't find the words because you don't know what you are describing even.

So - these days, I tend to ask myself if the ruminations are helping me ease pain or if they are causing me pain. I think about her every day - some days more than others, but it's there.  And I don't think it will end until I leave here - which won't  be for a couple of years.

So how to stop - I think it's a little bit like going on a diet.  What works for you?  Cold turkey doesn't seem to be it. I am trying to allow myself a certain window every day and dial it back little by little. On bad days, I accept that it's a bad day and that tomorrow is a fresh start.

My two cents.

Rev

Yes, I'm guilty of this too, and agree with most of what Rev said.

Give this video a look, I'm not out of the woods yet, but it helped me put some things in perspective a bit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3BoZFaRr-c

What a great video - Love Dr. Rumani

She's great.

I've started questioning if the reason pwBPD are able to move on so quickly, is that from our side it was relatively healthy. Yet, we have trouble because from their side, their actions/behaviors make no logical sense and makes it all much harder to process/rationalize.

From their side -  I agree. 

From our side - I see it a little differently.  I think they move on because they are very, very afraid of being outed. It really is a terrible existence. And once you get over the hurt they cause us, it becomes easier to feel some compassion.   They move on physically but they never move on from anything. It all just accumulates - it's one of the reasons that pwBPD engage in self harm at higher rates than other personality disorders. They do everything out of self protection and unless they get help, they never, ever trade up when the move on - they trade down. Until one day, they inevitably misread someone and they hit a wall.

So very sad to see people suffer like this.

Rev

oh, yeah  :hi:

i did this constantly. in fact, my ex reads this board, and ive been posting to her all this time.

just kidding  :(

i always thought it was just a particular form of rumination or Bargaining (stage of grief). its kinda like somebody disses you, and five minutes later, you think of the perfect comeback...on a bit higher scale.


it can drive you crazy, thats for sure.

i tried to notice it, break it up. lots of people have had success with that, i didnt. your minds trying to work something out. trying to shut it off just makes it work harder.

what is said in these conversations with her? what are they about? do you have any over fights you had during the relationship?

Recently broken up with and can relate.

The mind wants to talk to "her" as she used to be, when she was showering you with love. It's deeply unsettling to think that this person does not exist anymore. It makes your future outlook on life very bleak.

I agree with this as well. I feel I'm in a decent place as I was never "angry"... frustrated for sure though. But I've dealt enough with Cluster B's that when me and my ex split, I felt a deep pang of sadness for what we had, and an even bigger pang of sadness for the agony she is in constantly. I truly pity her, and I truly still love her. She broke up with me, and I know that if we ever do get back together, it can't be right now or even soon. She needs therapy and to fix herself. BPD is an awful, awful illness for everyone involved. I still make sure to tell her (in my head to myself) that I love her every night before bed.

She still reaches out to me. Calling me up crying Monday after a month of NC begging to come over and see me. She was at her current partner's house and was completely drunk. The current partner called me back and told me she talked about me all weekend. They broke up Monday night. See how long that lasts. Haven't heard from my ex since Tuesday.