BPDFamily.com

hi BPD family,

Some days I wake up feeling great and energized and excited about life.These usually happen when I havent had any contact with my mom who has BPD for some time. Then some little trigger happens. This time it was getting a call from my aunt and I imagined that my mom was there and made her make the call since I have gone NC with my mom. (Although I havent confirmed this it is a plausible hypothesis since my mom has tried so many ways to break this no contact)

Since I saw that call on my screen, I am feeling low again and my heart is heavy. I am learning to befriend the pain and not just ignore it but its like these things pick at my wound and peel off the scabs. What do you do on those days? How do you process the pain that comes up?

On another note, I am wondeirng if I should tell my aunt and grandmother( the only two family members I am in touch with) that I have gone NC. I dont know if they will underestand and I am uncomfortable discussing things in detail with them. I think they suspect my mom has some issues but dont know what would happen if I open up to them completely about her BPD.

This is FEAR... I do this still too often but I am learning to remind myself that I have better skills to handle these situations. Honestly take that fear and make it into roleplay. What will you say or do if that situation did arise? Having something in my back pocket that's prepared has made these fears less real.

I think this is different for everyone. I have been seeing a T, coming to this board, but for me more than anything its been learning how to be more open with my husband being honest with him, not just stuffing my feelings away. He has been great about just letting me say what I need to say. Also just recognizing what is a trigger for me has helped.


This is one I struggle with so much, most of my FOO knows I am not speaking with my Mom because I told them no one had a negative reaction but I didn't really gain anything from it either. I just hate, and I get it all the time, How's your mom ? For a long time, I would just lie, and be like oh she's doing good blah blah blah. Honestly, though it wears on me and I don't wanna do it anymore the pretending which is why I started telling them. At the same time, I don't wanna perpetuate the drama, have those conversations turn into bashing session nor do I want them to become the norm always talking about mom's behaviors. So I have settled most recently responding with "I think she would really love to hear from you, you should catch up with her". I have the benefit of her behavior being open and obvious to most of her FOO, it sounds like you do not. Maybe this will still be helpful.

SS

You are wondering whether or not to tell your aunt and grandmother you are NC with your mom. This is a difficult question to answer, as the decision to tell others really depends on how each person will respond/react. As you already know, I have many family members with BPD, including my mom who is now deceased and my two siblings. In my situation, I have found it best not to discuss my problems with my family members with others, as they don't get it. My family members with BPD pretend to be nice people when around people who are not immediate family. How do you think your grandmother and aunt will respond/react? You might try testing them by saying something like: I am not seeing much of mom these days because it is a difficult relationship. (without giving any additional details)

Hi Stargazer :hi:

One thing that I have learned is to just be aware that these feelings do pass.  It's yucky now.  But it's temporary.  I often have to remind myself of that.

What do I do?  I do something physically active.  It focuses my brain on whatever I am doing, so that I don't ruminate on the same negative thoughts, and get anxious, and in a really bad headspace.  Furthermore, physical activity releases a ton of endorphins.  Natural happy chemicals.  It's a healthy way of looking after my wellness.  Anything from taking the dog for a brisk walk, to whatever activity you like to do works wonders.

Work or volunteering is helpful, cs again it focusses the brain on something other than negative uBPD mom thoughts, and it just feels good to be productive and/or help people who actually appreciate it.  I am retired, so I volunteer, and I get a lot of positive feedback from my volunteering, so it reminds me I am a good person (and counters the bad person messages I get from my mom).

When I'm in a really bad way, I go for a long walk in the trees.  Nature is incredibly healing for me.  If you don't already do this, I recommend finding a park, or a nature hike and trying it!  Lots of science to back this up.

Do a hobby that you enjoy.  Again, it re-focusses the brain, and you also benefit from getting some enjoyment out of the hobby.

Spend time with a friend - but don't talk about uBPD mom.  Avoid that topic completely.  Talk about positive things instead.

My meditation app also helps me.  It's been a wonder for late evenings and during the night.  It also teaches mindfulness skills which is helpful, as well as helping me get back to sleep.

Ultimately, what works for me may not work for other people for a variety of reasons.  But all of the above have helped me stay sane, and move forward with my own independent life, separate from my mom.  

As for processing the pain, this site has been a game changer.  So has just learning to look after myself (all of the above...).  I have a T.  Almost every day I think of something new, or learn something new (from this site), or reflect on something someone else has said and how it connects to my own situation.  Just knowing that other people experience the same problems and have to deal with similar challenges has been helpful.  It's such a relief to know I'm not crazy, and I'm not "the" problem (irony there).  I've also started writing things down.  Writing has always helped me process.  Journal or story...whatever works.  For me, reading and writing are the vehicles that helps me "process".


Oh boy.  I'm with Zachira on this one.  I wouldn't.  It may be helpful to communicate that you don't see your mom much because it is a difficult relationship for you.  Full stop.  Don't JADE. They will want to know more.  Just tell them you don't wish to talk about it, and change the subject.  Repeat.

If they have an "inkling", they will respect that.  If they can't respect that, and keep pressing you, all the more reason to say nothing, because whatever you tell them will probably get back to your mom, and the whole thing will escalate.  More drama.  On the other hand, if they have an inkling, and were to disclose a statement like "they don't know how you've managed with your mom's behavior all these years", you could reconsider how much you want to say, but I would be cautious.

For me, it's better, healthier, and much safer, to go for a walk in the woods. lol
 :hug: