BPDFamily.com

I never saw this coming. I loved her for 30 years, and only knew her as someone who had a difficult childhood, and needed lots of love.

For the last 14 years, it’s been nothing less than navigating and walking through a minefield. I showed nothing but love, doing anything to keep the family intact. I had and have a child to protect, as well as maintain a roof overhead.

I guess it started with infidelity. She would go to great lengths, to always have more than her perfect stable life. Her lies were so common, that she truly believed them. She constantly rewrote history, as if it was a God given right of hers. I had to prove what was happening, to others, to give the family a fighting chance. Denial was prominent, and still is. I’m going to skip a lot, cause I’m new hear, and my trust is paper thin.

Soo much more has happened. Her way or the highway, financial irresponsibility, leaving me struggle to pick up the slack, which I can no longer do. I’m told that I’m hated a lot, then when she needs something, even if it’s something I don’t know about yet, the nice face comes into play. Longing for kindness, I love back, and fall right into a trap. When I question her motives, they can’t be questioned. She’ll change the subject, or choose the most painful thing she could say to me, to deflect my focus. Some of the things said are completely irrelevant, and are so low, that even after getting used to the behavior, still hurts for days or weeks. I’m a very patient, loving, compassionate person, with unwavering commitment. All I want to do is help, but this person no longer makes any sense in her arguments, or stance on what she perceives as correct or the truth.

I’m losing myself! I was always strong for the little girl who was innocent in all this. I have developed physical and mental ailments that have burrowed deeply into my being. I’ve lost myself to the point, that all I can handle is the work and responsibilities to keep the family together. I’ve lost almost every friend to the all consuming vortex. My personal identity has become extremely fragile, but I don’t dare show it, for fear of her final blow. She says “I’m tired of walking on eggshells”, which is exactly what I do. She walks around with a heavy stomp, carelessly, recklessly. She gets great pleasure from control, and getting away with saying the lowest of things to people she’s supposed to love. I feel like my life is over, and the future is impossible. You see, she pretends to love in public, hates in private. I’ve been trying to re-connect with old friends, and she views that as a threat! Why? Why ask why? There is no logical answer. Meanwhile she does whatever she wants, goes as she pleases, has lots of friends that she mostly uses. I’ve tried forever to make sense of anything she does, and CANNOT. Her ways are dangerously destructive now. Greatly accelerated in the last ... I cannot handle waking up feeling like a corpse with a river of tears every single day. Yeah I hide the tears, but I have to let them rip for the few minutes when nobody can see.
I’ve had lifelong personal pursuits, that feel like dust falling through my fingers now. Whenever I work on them, I’m put down, or told that there’s some immediate emergency that needs tending to. Sometimes the emergency’s were created just to keep me from any personal gain.

Besides just leaving which is something I would never do to my little girl, how do I avoid or react to conflict that chases me, and has no basis in reality?
This is the first time I’ve ever posted ANYTHING about this, and I need all the help I can get. I can’t beat down the mountain of bills, to allow myself the expense of therapy, cause she makes sure to keep me pinned financially.
Really wish I could say more, but have to be careful. As I’ve said, my trust has become paper thin. Yeah, have to mute the phone too, cause “who’s that” is belted our at every chirp. Her phone blips every 30 seconds, and she’s glued to social media, but I can’t ask a single question. I’ve never done anything but love her unconditionally. Her entire personality makes zero sense anymore, and she’s running around all over again. Fourth time! I don’t know what else to say, except I’m barely able to function. My self esteem is destroyed, my spirit crushed, my identity suppressed to a level that without help, won’t be able to remotely regain who I am, what I love, and my personal passion that keeps me ticking.

Hi ConcreteBoots,

I HEAR you!  Your story is so similar to mine...you will find that a lot here. There are distinct patterns pwBPD follow. It seems to be a recipe of sorts to keep us nons off kilter and “afraid”.

I also have a long r/s and marriage and didn’t stay solely for the kids, but definitely did very much fight to make things better so the kids would have an intact family. For me, I’m doubting this was the best course...and I still haven’t landed.  I think I realize it may not be the “right” option to aim for, but the “least bad” choice.

I don’t have great advice as I’m also at a crossroads.  So, really just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

There are the most amazing, thoughtful, rational people on here. They do not judge and I have yet to shock them, I believe, and half of what I say still shocks me!

This is a safe space and others with kind hearts and wise advice will be along as you go down this path.

Hang in there!

Dear ConcreteBoots-

Welcome to our community.  I am glad you’ve found us, but very sorry for what brings you here.

BPD is a complex disorder, however It does sound as if your W leans heavily with NPD traits... very painful, I know from experience.  Sadly, as a matter of my own survival I finally decided that adult love could not be unconditional.

You say that you’ve been together for 30 years, yet this behavior has escalated in the last 14 years.  Can you identify a life change that may have triggered this escalation in your W’s damaging behavior?  And the “innocent girl” you mention, I take it this is your daughter... how old is she and how is her relationship with your W?

For starters... there is a section on our site on Ending Conflict (Stop Making Things Worse)...sorry I don’t know how to link.  Please find that and read it through for help.

Regarding the lies and gaslighting, pwBPD and NPD are filled with shame.  I’ve been studying this for way too long now in an effort to try and understand both my exH (19 years) and now my exBF (6.5 years).  Although I just learned about BPD 3 years ago.  To them, FEELINGS = FACTS, so they will change the narrative to match their feelings.  That’s the lying.  The gaslighting, is way more devious in my opinion.  It seems to take forethought from what I’ve experienced.  Their ego is SO fragile that they cannot be found to make the tiniest of errors, so they need to make YOU WRONG and to appear completely incompetent.  It’s pretty disgusting at times.

There ARE ways to improve your life and wellbeing since you choose to stay in your marriage.  You’re going to need to place your and your child’s health and “welfare” ABOVE your W’s for awhile.  And if that means cutting up credit cards to preserve financial stability, then that’s what it means.  You are an individual with rights and you CAN leave your home to take a walk and have a coffee with friends and family.  Please take some time to clear your mind.  You deserve this... you do.

There are communication tools on this site to assist with improving your relationship, and we can get to that.  But I feel you’ve first got to take some small self-care steps for you.

We’ve got to get you to feeling better.  There is a saying...”don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm”

Please keep posting.  You’re safe here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

You said “FEELINGS = FACTS”, and it gave me shivers.
I really need to wrap my head around what you said right there.
As far as the relationship, I can almost leave finally. My heart is way too big to be wasted!