BPDFamily.com

Hello All

Well I have been back now since late October having left in September. As some of you know I returned primarily for practical and financial reasons. You predicted she would soon revert back and you were right.

We had a kind of honeymoon period where all seemed well enough - but this did not last long.

After 1 week she revealed to me she was on the brink of buying a flat. I could not see that this was a good move for any of us - it would only lead to further expenses for me and would wipe out all her capital (she does not work and only has some money she inherited). She seemed though to want to go ahead with the purchase. Finally it all collapsed due to some irregularities with the paperwork. She was though - left with a legal bill.

The gains I negotiated when I returned have all been lost - I get to sleep until 7 am - that's the only thing left. And worse still she attacked me physically one day and insisted I write a letter to my father - reversing anything I told him and restoring her reputation. This was a low point for me. I still ache from it. I did write that humiliating letter and sent it. I told her they would think she had dictated it to me and believe I was in a terrible marriage but she would not listen. After sending the letter I privately phoned my father to explain. My stepmother was in and I had the humiliation of telling her the circumstances behind the letter. I wish I had not told her as it seems my dad signed for the letter - probably read it and discarded it, no doubt understanding the truth behind it. They have a son between them - my half brother - who is doing well in life - as I was until I got into this wretched marriage - I get a sense my stepmother feels some satisfaction that her son is doing well and I have made such a dreadful mess. I no longer am in touch with them - as I feel so humiliated by my circumstances. My wife - maybe with some justification - asks why I am loyal to my father - since he was really ineffective as a dad and selfish. I cant answer this - maybe she is right. He did some criminal things when I was young and it shocked me when he spoke to me about them and he doesn't even regret what he did in his old age (of course his second wife knows nothing about it). I said to him he had done wrong and I never needed or wanted crooked money - as a child or adult. They were good to me while I was there but I now wish I had gone to my mother instead.

Day to day with her is even more difficult than it was. She caught me looking at an internet page (a forum connected with my business) that I know she disproves of. I navigated away quickly but she said - what were you looking at!  Nothing, I said. Then why are you shaking? (this gives you an idea how terrified I am)

She works in another room - and calls to me every 5 minutes - what are you doing? She also monitors my work - I have to send her a log of what I have been doing.

So it is all much worse than before.

We have been barred from a bar near where we live since she made a big fuss when we went in to eat one day and insisted people smoking outside in the designated area move out so we can eat in fresh air. the manager said it was his discretion - she pushed her point - and he barred her from coming back. A shame as it was a useful place for us to eat now and then.

She was offered a job - full time - the first proper job offer she has had in 20 years. A publishing company. But she wanted to do the work at home and they said no - its an office job. The money would have been useful to us as she earns peanuts at home. She wrote them an incredibly condescending email and they have not been back in touch.

It has taken her time to trust me enough to go out and do her own thing as she fears being abandoned again. She has been away for 4 days - a nice break for me. Hopefully when she comes back and sees me here she will settle down a bit.

I dont know what else to say - morally I am at rock bottom - having made such an utter mess of my life -but I try to ignore my moral state for practical reasons. I have a lot of money to earn - supporting our son in his university years. Three years to go.

I hope to move on in due course but do it properly this time. In the meantime - I survive.

You are surviving, but certainly not thriving. Since you plan to stay with the status quo, I’m going to move your post to the Bettering Board. Hopefully you can strengthen some boundaries and negotiate some breathing room for yourself, so that life becomes more tolerable.