BPDFamily.com

I’ve been here many times. I was discarded last June by a guy that I am now leans much heavier towards NPD or a cross ofNPD/BPD. I’ve read (or obsessed) so much on it I’m blue in the face. My father is a narcissist and it’s what I seek out. I’m currently getting EMDR as a result of his abuse. He has appeared and reappeared in my life over the last 8 months only to disappear just as fast. All he wants is to use me as some object. I’ve tolerated it and felt the immense pain he causes ever time he re-ignites my trauma and wound that was there long before he came around.
So last week he came back and seconds later blocked me just as fast. I had done EMDR the day before on him and this time, as much progress as I was making was thrown entirely out the window. My behavior relapsed and I went nuts. Since I can’t contact him but by email (I’ve have asked him to block it but he won’t) I sent him many emails and really let him have it this time. I wasn’t super nasty persay but I wasn’t nice. I exposed him and all his flaws and my anger and told it and him how it was. I know this does nothing to him but make him angry if anything. And the outburst was for me. It’s just that after the fact, as a codependent and empath, I feel bad. And I keep feeling compelled to apologize and explain myself.. I feel bad. I know that deep down I should just let it be. I did it to keep him away from me and never reappear. And While it wasn’t my proudest moment and I would have liked to have done better, as an addict w trauma I feel like what I did was a life or death defense for me. So I guess I’m here to be somewhat supported on me unleashing my demons on him. I knkw two wrongs don’t make a right. I just needed to release my anger and keep him away and keep myself self alive and stick up for myself. For once. I knkw im not the first Person on here who has done so. So I guess I’m looking for support. Support not to feel compelled to apologize. Someone to tell me I don’t have to. It’s ok. To just let it be.  Walk. Forgive myself. And move on. He WAS a Complete demon to me. Abusive. Cold. Doesn’t mean I have to be one myself but it’s ok right? My buttons were pushed. I don’t owe an apology. That will just invite him to come back and terrorize me (bc of his rage and grudge) once again. I can’t have that wound re-opened by him. Ever again. I want to move on. Thoughts?

in breakups, we sometimes say and do things we regret.

i do think there are important, hard lessons to be learned from that, about how to be more mature people than we were in the last relationship, and who/how we want to be going forward in new relationships. if we conclude that some of the things we said or did were okay, or deserved, i think we risk bringing that into the next relationship.

if you are looking for someone to say an apology isnt necessary, and that moving on is preferable, ill support you in that.

1. if the two of you are done, thats a more productive place to put your energy. reaching out at this point just keeps the engagement going, and it doesnt sound like either of you are in a place where thats a good thing. 
2. if he has blocked contact, hes not seeking an apology.
3. if you do feel compelled to apologize, table it. a better, more appropriate time may come much further down the line when the ice has thawed. and maybe it wont.

my ex and i each did a lot of things during and after our relationship that hurt the other. i regret them, but i live with that regret. when a relationship ends, its over. we dont necessarily owe each other apologies for every unkindness. sometimes the greater kindness is letting go of the hurt and moving on.