BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Just as a matter of conversation - has this ever happened to you?  Have you run into your ex - like at the gym or at an event - and really saw them for who they are?

I recently ran into mine at an all day event.  And I saw her from a whole different light. More detached now, not really wanting to talk her, I saw her from a distance. Throughout the day, she glared at me from time to time. She sat by herself all day - no one spoke to her. She holds a portfolio in our organization - and normally she would have made a short presentation. Nothing. Not even a display.

She's put on a lot of weight, which for her is a real sign of stress. And she was wearing a lot of makeup - also a sign of stress.

It was weird. I am not sure what to make of the five years we were together, because for the first time, I saw my ex through the same eyes that everyone else does. I guess it can be true that the people who come into our lives but do not stay, teach us about who we are and where we need to go. The pain I felt in her leaving, it wasn't just mine. Some of it was her pain that she had projected on to me. Sad. I am left with few, if any, fond memories of our relationship now. It's like I've come through a black hole.
 
Forgiveness comes to me now for the first time as I write this. She looked sad and she looked furious and she looked in shock. I suppose she expected me to be worse off than I am. I spent the entire day networking with several people. She excused herself at lunch and left as soon as the event was over. Most people linger to continue networking.

I am at peace now - and wish her only healing. She has two boys who need their mum. She has family that she has really hurt badly that are really angry with her. I hope those fences mend for everyone's sake.

THANK YOU! To everyone who weighed in on my threads. You've be such a great support.

Shalom,

Rev

Hi Rev  :hi:

So nice to hear from you and to read your post. Aren't you proud of yourself, for all the progress you've made in these past 9 months? What a game changer for you! Not to gloss over the hard detaching process though. That can be excruciating.

A few weeks ago in my Divorce Care group they spoke about safety, and a couple women in the video shared stories of how they had to have a safety plan in place. It was definitely triggering for me, and I could feel my heart rate kicking up, just to be reminded of that time. I shared with our group that I had 2 bags in two different places at friend's houses because I didn't know when or how, just that I knew I had to be prepared. My T was constantly on me to see if I was ready, and he coached me on having my purse and coat, keys, and shoes in the same place every night and to be aware of which were the closest exits so that at any time I could just walk out. All that to say that I had forgotten how bad it was, and how afraid I was. After being away for a year now, I can see much more clearly how I was in survival mode and had been for years. 

I have seen DH quite a bit in the past 2 months as we try to get our house ready to sell. I can see him much more clearly now, for who he is. I'm becoming aware of his tactics and manipulation and even more aware of the control, and yet I do my best to remain kind and stay safe. I have been able to detach and that is so good. I pray for him and wish him well (cough cough...most of the time  *).

 :hug:
Wools

Hi Wools!

Yes it is good to reconnect.  There are some days I wish that this group could meet in person, but of the anonymity of it all serves an equally important purpose. 

Boy - that feeling of really seeing how in survival mode you can be!  I'm at the stage where I get an empty feeling in my gut - a vacancy if you will.   I call it the "staring in the fridge when I don't know what I want" feeling.  (LOL)

You ever get like that?

Hugs back.

Rev