BPDFamily.com

Hello!

I know there are a lot of discussions on BPD and gaslighting around here but I think I’m confused about the grey area?

Personally, I think this term is overused and oversaturated. I think people use it too often to describe other, less severe behaviours. I’ve said “you’re being a bit dramatic” to a few people plenty of times before and it is never my intent to “gaslight” them.

I think there is a fine line between being self-aware and being able to accept when you also need to take responsibility for your emotional reactions (honestly, sometimes I AM being too emotional and I think it’s fair that my partner can let me know that)...buuuut at the same time, I’m a little worried that maybe I’m being too naive and I actually am experiencing gaslighting.

If I am, it’s really not often and about small things. Here’s an example:

Last weekend, I caught my pwBPD in a little lie. He sent me a photo of himself from work and I saw in his sunglasses reflection that it was his female coworker who took the photo. Not a big deal and I don’t care much about that but when I asked him about it, he tried to lie and say it was his guy friend. He later admitted that he knew he didn’t need to lie but he got scared and panicked in the moment. But before he apologized, he kind of tried to turn it on me and said “you can’t see anything in my glasses!” So I sent him a screenshot and then he replied with “well, you’re the one who was creeping hard by zooming in so much”. In the past, he’s also told me I am being overly paranoid (and honestly sometimes I am) but I am easily suspicious of him because of our rocky past.

I wish I could think of a less silly example but...is that gaslighting or being defensive? Projecting? Some other term?

I know he’s not going around and purposely trying to gain control over me and completely make me feel insane (like that damn movie that got everyone hyped on this term), but if it’s happening in little instances, I guess I should be aware and start dealing with it.

Thanks everyone

i agree, and plain english tends to work best. these relationships are complicated enough as they are.


certainly. you might also call it deflecting.


i think this is the central issue.

you are suspicious of him because of a rocky past (what happened?) and he lies in response, and gets defensive. you also say you are "overly paranoid".

trust is essential in a BPD relationship. its essential in any relationship of course, but our loved ones, generally speaking, have an inherent lack of trust in others. sometimes we do too.

my ex and i had the same issue in reverse. she was overly suspicious. i was defensive or even hostile. she was also intrusive (invaded my privacy), and i also hid things. some that were innocent, but there were definitely cases where i was guilty.

its not a recipe for resolving conflict or building trust. ultimately, that really takes two people, but there are things we can do to lead.

what happened in the past?

Well, honestly, our lack of trust comes from our BPD experiences/rollercoaster before I knew what it was. I’ve only learned about BPD a few months ago but it puts everything into perspective.

I guess it’s also a bit complicated for a couple of reasons (I’ll try to be brief!). He was in a very controlling marriage where his ex wife would completely lose her mind over small issues. He learned that sometimes lying (even over really small stuff that would just be easier to tell the truth) would thwart an attack. He’s brought that “coping mechanism” into our relationship.

I, on the other hand, suffer from ROCD, which ironically, is the constant anxiety, doubt, and obsessive intrusive thoughts regarding the “rightness” of a romantic relationship. I’ve had this long before he came along but it definitely hasn’t made any of this BPD stuff easier to deal with.

It’s funny because I know he is often honest to a point of fault (he’ll admit things or tell me things that sometimes would be better off kept to himself). So I know that we will ALWAYS get to the truth of an issue, but it usually takes unearthing a few little lies along the way to get there. He’s never cheated (I hope) but I know he’s engaged in conversations with people and lied about it. When I find out what’s going on, he’ll panic and try to deny it. Then eventually we get to the truth of it.

It just becomes difficult because my own anxiety constantly cause doubt and fear. And sometimes I will completely make up scenarios in my head (“he didn’t reply to my text right away, he MUST be talking to someone else.” “He didn’t sound too excited to hear from me, he MUST be upset with me” “his phone beeped, WHO THE HECK IS TEXTING HIM?”) so it’s hard to know when it’s one or the other...

I agree trust is very important in a BPD relationship. I would like to trust that he’s also not going to wake up tomorrow and split again but I cant ever know that for sure. I’m not really sure how to feel trusting again amidst all the chaos.

the long and short of it is communication and trust.

you both struggle individually, as well as a couple, with trust.

are you in, or have you considered some therapy? i have a history of a lot of the same feelings myself, and frankly, i can be a pretty obsessive guy. its difficult to just try to reason yourself out of those moments.

has he? would he?

regardless, the way the two of you are trying to resolve these incidents is pushing each others buttons a bit. it sounds like you do ultimately resolve them, and thats a good thing; it even indicates a certain level of trust, but there may be more constructive ways. right now, it sounds like your style is a bit confrontational, and his style is a bit avoid/deflect/blame.

are the two of you talking about these things, not just when they happen, but in times of calm? talking about what the two of you need from each other?