BPDFamily.com

I had an appointment yesterday, it was 3 hours long. Those of you that know my story know this has been super bad and I'm now 5+ weeks no contact and feeling super horrible about it. You might also recall that in 2008 I went downhill very badly and spent 2 years laying in bed, with a 30 day stay at a psych hospital for PTSD and depression from childhood sexual abuse that was triggered by that relationship. Something similar is happening again.

First we did a long history- of me, my family and the relationship with my gf. This took over an hour.

She immediately started to wonder if I have ever heard about narcissism. She didn't diagnose my gf or anything, just said that these behaviors and language and treatment were similar to many other people she's helped who were recovering from narcissistic abuse. She herself was in an abusive narcissistic relationship many years ago. And my traumatic responses are similar to what she's seen, and she's been doing her work 20 years.

The treatment itself was kinda spiritual, lot's of guided mediations and affirmations, energy work. I laid on a table thing like in a massage place and we just began working on calming down, coming within, visualizing light entering my body, that kind of thing.

We visualized angels guarding me, we visualized a group of angels surrounding me and walking with me. We saw the ropes and cords of unhealthy attachment disconnected from her, while I made sure to not cause her pain or suffering. This was super important to me and I cried when I asked her to not hurt her.

She felt in my a strong higher purpose and and strong energy. She had my higher self talk with me and he said "you're ok. you'll be ok". I cried at this.

She really feels, from her spiritual and energy work with me, that she is really carrying around damage from her boyfriend committing suicide over her many years ago, and that energy and unresolved-ness is/has been transferred to me and our relationship. When you think about it, there is really no way it hasn't been.

The controlling, the lecturing ...all of that may be her way of keeping me distant, or perhaps on the other hand keeping me 'safe'. I remember early on when she was getting aggressive and controlling about my food- inquiring what I had for lunch, snapping at me for what I might have eaten or not- she would say "I want you around a long time" and my 'bad' eating habits (they are bad at all, not perfectly organic and whole grain like her though) "affect our relationship". I asked her how in the world what I had for breakfast could affect her and our relationship. It was bizarre to me in that I was always there for her, always ready to do something with her. It was a weird projection.

I found her caring enough about me to criticize my food really touching and it made me feel good. That's my issue.

In general it was a good experience and validating and at the very least, some time to step out of my trauma response for at least a little bit and let my body recover some.

I'm a good, kind and thoughtful person. I'm smart and capable. I would NEVER hurt anyone intentionally and I have contributed to the world. These are things I need to keep in mind as her voice yelling at me and blaming me and telling me how much I hurt her tends to drown out what I know.