BPDFamily.com

Apologies in advance for the long post but I could really use some support and advice...
My ex (who has recently been diagnosed with BPD) we’re together for 9 years and have a child together. I left him 8 months ago - he was emotionally abusive, paranoid, jealous, possessive and struggled with drug and alcohol addictions. I finally gave up on him when I found out he has been messaging other women (which he insists was innocent).
When we first split he was devastated, suicidal, said he would never move on or love anyone else. A few months ago something changed - I had a brief fling (rebound) and I know he met someone although it only lasted a week! Since then it’s like he feels nothing for me anymore. All of the regret has gone, he was verbally abusive for months but since jan he’s stopped texting much at all. Contact is minimal now and only about our daughter.
I’ve been to counselling, been trying to heal myself. Since we split I’ve got an amazing new job, lost weight, made new friends. On the outside my life appears to have improved no end. My friends are frustrated because he is still drinking and taking drugs and has nothing to offer me yet despite looking the best I’ve looked and starting over I still miss him.
A few weeks ago I text him to say that our song has come on the radio and that I was thinking of him and missed him. Not because I want to reconcile but because it was true and I meant it with love.  He ignored the message.
This morning we talked for 20 mins on the phone about our daughter and my new job and for a moment it felt like old times, I’d missed talking to him. So despite knowing I shouldn’t I txt him again to tell him I still loved him. We just signed our divorce papers yesterday so it’s not that expect or want to get back together, again I think I’m just desperate for him to acknowledge that I still mean something to him and that the last 9 years weren’t for nothing.
Again he ignored me. Now I’m hurting again. It’s feel so unfair that after everything he put me through he doesn’t seem to care or be suffering and I’m going through this horrific grieving process again.
Does anyone else know how I feel? Had a similar experience? Can shed any light on what’s happening please?

Completely normal. My marriage covered decades, but thankfully no custody issues.

I have these moments still, believe me. But any engagement with him leads to manipulation and attempts to control, and I'm just so done with it. He drove both legal teams batty during the divorce process and continues to do so in close-out. I can't expect anything different from him. It isn't worth my sanity to grasp for something that isn't there in a meaningful way.

There's a lot of grieving that has to occur. Things were just not what you wanted and hoped for. But when will you feel better? It's hard to say. Someone told me I'd need several years. Arg!

I can relate to how you feel. You might be getting the push-pull or getting completely split black.

I found the push-pull really tough to handle. My BPDex had been openly having an affair for 2 months before I decided to leave the marital home. The day that I left, we hugged and then she later texted 'I love you'. I was left confused and unsure if I made the right move. But I needed to step back and look at the marriage as a whole. She was openly having an affair with no intention of ending it. It wasn't her first affair. There was no intimacy and hadn't been for 3-4 years. I wasn't happy. etc, etc. I had to learn that it's ok to feel love for someone - we spent 20 years together - but also realize that whatever we had ended years earlier.

In her mind, I am completely evil and we never shared a happy moment together. That's BPD thinking... they can't deal with mixed feelings for someone. It's either all white or all black.

For now it's zero contact so no chance for push-pull or getting mixed messages.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.

dt9000

I agree w Me.

And time.   just time.

It seems like i cannot make anything "happen"

It may be the space I am in.

I just do not feel like running in any direction or in circles.

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I just need to keep moving forward and not look back.
It’s hard when there is a child involved as ideally I’d like to cut contact completely but that’s just not an option.

I think I always hoped that somewhere within him is the man I fell in love with but if I’m honest with myself I’m not sure he exists anymore - or ever did really. Starting to feel like I never knew him at all.

Hard to believe someone can be so cold when you’re compassionate and kind and you still care so much :(

Have you thought about getting a therapist?  I had one during my divorce (from someone without a personality disorder), and it really helped me to heal.  I have one again right now to help me deal with my H's uBPDex.

Healing was a process for me.  Yearning for what I'd lost - and especially for the loss of the dream of an intact family for my children - took a while to deal with.  I tried to keep communication very businesslike with my ex, no matter how I was really feeling.  If I mixed the business (parenting) with anything personal (like, in your example, "I miss you"), it could cause a lot of drama.  My ex was no longer my confidant / the person I could rely on or trust with my feelings.  Your ex doesn't play that role for you anymore either, and you shouldn't expect him to.

With my therapist's help, I came up with strategies for how to handle those kinds of feelings without turning to my ex (which was my habit).  I wouldn't allow myself to think of him when I was in certain rooms of my house, and if I thought of him for more than a few seconds I had to go exercise or clean my house.  (I was in GREAT shape and my house was spotless even with two toddlers.)

Find those ways to soothe or distract yourself rather than looking for anything in him.  You can do this.

Most here have found that when the adult relationship ended, so did conversations other than parenting matters.  Seeking insight or Closure from the ex typically fails miserably and we regret the attempts later.  Gift yourself the Closure.  Or express your feelings to the counselor.  Some have even written letters then symbolically (and safely) burned them.