BPDFamily.com

Greetings. I am finally trying to come to the full understanding that my partner has BPD. He is undiagnosed, but he fits this disorder to a T... I am currently at my wit's end, as I am sure many here have been.

We have been seeing each other for over two years, and live in different countries. I have fallen madly in love with him. I have some health problems, and have had a very terrible experience in life having been diagnosed as "disabled" from an early age because of neurological and learning disorders, thus have not had a chance for much of a normal life. (No mental illness though thankfully at my end, just former depression and anxiety which I overcame). After a long physical illness and near death, I finally came out of the depression and anxiety with renewed sense of self love. But sadly the illness really affected things and people don't want that... I lost a lot of friends, it became even harder now with these health problems to do everything.  I thought with my new self understanding, I would never again find a partner who would be emotionally abusive...

But it turns out I found him anyway. I fell madly in love with him, largely because he encompasses so many of the rare traits that I seek that are so hard to find in anyone, that I have myself - extreme intensity with all emotions, extreme passion, sensitivity, an understanding of the shadow self and dark side but who rises above it, immense intelligence, philosophical and spiritual, poetic, etc.
Right now we are engaged and we have wanted to be married. We have met very few times and it has not gone well, mostly from stress and pressure during meeting, financial problems, and having no privacy... I thought all this time he was a kindred soul, but he is killing me.

He will not stop with the blaming, twisting things around always to be my fault, the gaslighting, on and on. He has said from the beginning that he has a sexual problem where he cannot "open up" sexually apparently, even though he wants it and has lots of extreme desires. He says he is "sexually introverted" and blocked. I am trying to be patient with him but myself have a very high sex drive, and most of this is online, so, he can't even do the bare minimum with me (which is on camera calls...) He has so many excuses... I even wonder if he is faithful as he says... He has a very stressful home life with his family and everything, I get it, but still...Only now he just started locking the door, after two years, and he still has excuses. Whenever I ask him about being intimate on cam and he has some excuse, he just explodes at me and says he is doing the impossible and I ask too much of him, I am selfish, I don't "appreciate" him,  etc etc.

He claims to worship me and that I am his goddess, and he showers me with all of this "beauty" - yet, when he is stressed and angry, this behavior is so far from it... In the beginning of our relationship, which began online, I started to notice these patterns, and I tried walking away... many times... I never could leave... He has a way of appealing to this rare intense nature I have myself that I cannot find anywhere else. The distance does not make it easier to walk away, believe me... We have both put so much into this... And sadly, much of the financial aspect has been on his end because it's hard for me on disability (something else he also holds against me and throws in my face) when I am fighting every day and doing all I can to try to find work in a system that has been against me living "normal life" from the beginning. I really do not know what to do. He is making me lose my mind. I do not want to leave him, I am so in love with him... But he is killing me.