BPDFamily.com

My husband is uBPD. We’ve been together two years and have a one year old daughter. I would have run for the hills if we didn’t have her. He’s currently 3 months into a 9 month deployment and the 7000 mile distance has made him easier to tolerate. Because of that we’ve been talking about having another baby when he gets back.

Some days I can’t wait and feel very capable of doing it. Others, I remember the profound misery of parenting with him. He loves our daughter but I don’t feel I can count on him, full stop. I feel like I’m the only parent and he’s a semi-reliable babysitter. We had absolutely harrowing fights after baby was born because I had no clue about BPD and did absolutely everything to make things worse. I’ve been thinking I could manage another baby with him because I know how to deal with things now without making them worse.

The thing I realized this week though is that the main way I’m able to keep things more or less stable is by working to keep things absolutely calm and predictable and always have the self control to talk the way the books tell you. But having a baby is an inherently destabilizing event and I don’t know if I want to do this to myself, to put myself at the mercy of his BPD @$$hole side while juggling a newborn and toddler.

He assures me it will be different because we’ve both changed. I don’t believe it for a second. I’VE changed, because I do the work of weekly therapy and DBT. He won’t do any of this and always has an excuse why.

It comes down to do I want another child more than I resent my husband for what happened when our daughter was born? Can I move on emotionally even though I’ll never get the full amends and a changed behavior I deserve? My daughter is so wonderful that I fear I will really regret not having another to know and love, that I didn’t get through the hard times so that I could get to the part of knowing this new little person.

For anyone who had a similar choice to make, what did you decide and how did it turn out?

Hi iguanamia!

I don’t have the baby experience but I can tell you this: your H may be better or seem better, but BPD can ebb and flow in cycles. You can guarantee the problems will return. I speak from experience.  Stress and major life changes are huge triggers. And a new baby is both. You say things were difficult after your daughter was born. Is it likely to be any better with a new baby and a toddler? Or worse?

If I knew that I wouldn’t be asking for people’s experiences here. I know that his symptoms get worse when he’s stressed, as is common. And yes a new baby is a huge source of stress. There are several things that would be different the second time around that leave me open to the possibility of another baby: 1) I know now that his bad behavior is BPD and know a ton more about how to deal with that (I did literally everything wrong before); 2) I have a better grasp on what I need as a new mom and can better prepare for a second baby than I did with my first; 3) I have a sense of what he can and can’t do as a co-parent and can make plans for help to fill in the gaps.

The first time around I had completely unrealistic expectations given his BPD, which I didn’t know about at the time. I don’t think a second baby will be easy by any means but I think it’s possible I could make adjustments now that I know a little better. I think it will really come down to if I can accept that as my job without resentment. Right now I still feel really resentful of him bringing this into my life and angry at myself for staying when it was so clear something wasn’t right.

who brought up the subject of having another baby first? what was said between the two of you?


what happened in terms of the misery of parenting with him and why you feel like you cant count on him?

its common, really common, for couples to fight after a baby, but so much depends on the context. do his deployments play any role?