BPDFamily.com

Long post alert. My question is, can you ever regain friendship with someone with BPD once you have lost "favourite person" status? I know that every person &situation is different,& don’t want to generalise, but have never dealt personally with this before, &am at an absolute loss as to how to continue from here.

Basically, I have a friend who has many borderline coping  mechanisms, &possibly the full disorder, middle aged. For about a year, we were very close; we went to conferences together, she'd text me pics of family holidays, present hauls, etc, &frequently wrote things like "we have such a special connection", &“I actually don't know what I'd do without you". She's not someone who writes that sort of thing often, so I guess that my friendship did mean something to her then . I was certainly able to support her through a lot of personality/political clashes at work,(we work for two separate, but linked organisations, &she does, unfortunately have a reputation of being very erratic and difficult to work with, which obviously makes things really difficult for her).

About six months ago, I was caught up peripherally in a situation which I think she viewed as a betrayal (I know that sounds like a cop out, but there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently). On the weekend following this, I got several texts about how devastated &distraught she was by this. I apologised again &again(which I probably shouldn’t have, as there was nothing else I could have done), &tried to be really supportive via text(she wouldn't answer my calls), &
by the end of the weekend, things seemed OK. She had a difficuot, conflicting week at work the next week, &everything between us seemed back to normal. She'd share, I’d support, it seemed like we were good.

Then she "disappeared". She totally disengaged. If I asked how she and her family were, the answer was always "great", even if she posted differently on Facebook. She wouldn't catch up anymore and basically has ghosted me. I have told her multiple times since how much her friendship meant to me, and tried to find out what I did wrong, also, tried to explain what I think may have been the triggering event (this has all been by text or email, as she won’t catch up anymore). She steadfastly denies there's a problem, just constantly stating that she's busy.

A month or so ago, she blocked (not just unfriended) me on Facebook. When I tried again to find out what I’d done to make her so angry, she said that she wasn't angry, just busy. That seemed a strange reason to block someone, so when I called her on that, she said that she likes to keep work and personal life separate. This is the first time that she's ever admitted there's a problem. There’s a lot other people whom she has never ever seen outside of work (including the one who triggered the betrayal  event) whom she hasn't blocked, so it’s clearly a problem with me.

Of course there's much more detail, but this is getting much too long. Though it may be worth mentioning that before our friendship imploded, I had some depression struggles, &she desperately wanted to be there for me, telling me I had to be honest, &that I needed to open up to her. I don’t know if she feels bad for not being able to be there, but I’ve told her that I don’t care; her friendship means much more to me than needing her to do things for me (I’m not a very open person in any case, & am v fortunate to have an amazing support network). I don’t know if my struggles have triggered things from her past.

My  quandary is how to progress from here. It seemed like she needed my support for a while there, &I don't want to take that away. She does seem to have moved onto a new friendship group over the past few months, so maybe I just need to move on too. I don't want what happened between us to impact  on how she trusts others, &really went her to continue to
feel supported, but don't know if that’s in any way wanted.
There have been a few brief moments over the past few months
that make me think she doesn’t want to totally disconnect, but in general she’s been very distant. I guess it comes down to I  don't want to trigger her, &make her feel horrible by continuing to push and try to support her if that’s not what she wants. But at the same time, I most definitely do not want to abandon her.

If any of you the the time to slog through &read all this, thank you so much, if anyone has any advice, thank you even more

Hi confusedfriend:
People with BPD traits or BPD can recycle friends in a similar manner that they recycle romantic interests.  I've read a few accounts of situations where a parent can flip the "painted black" versus "golden child" labels among their children.  This generally happens when the "golden child" does something the parent doesn't like, or perhaps has gotten tired of enabling the parent.

It could be a good time for you to check out some of the workshops here and either learn or sharpen up your boundary and communication skills.  You can't fix your friend, but you can learn skills that could make future interactions less problematic & stressful for you.  It's not healthy to be used & abused in any relationship & that is where establishing/enforcing personal boundaries can be strategic (that you have control over and are responsible for enforcing).

You can't go wrong with learning some skills.  If you don't use them with your friend, improving your emotional IQ will help you with any relationship in the work place, at home & with friends.

Thank you so much!