BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

many of you may have read my story already in the post named "I finally understand".
As I wrote in that post, I’ve just learnt from my xBDP Linkedin page that she has just moved to Edinburgh (UK), a city far away from where I currently live.
Do you think it would be appropriate/reasonable to send her a mail telling her I wish her all the best for the future (which is true) and telling her she doesn’t have to answer if she doesn’t want to? Or do you think I should avoid, block her LinkedIn page and forget for ever?
I know she probably still sees me as the piece of crap she saw me at the end of our relationship? Actually she most likely doesn't even remember a damn thing but it really doesn't matter.
This would be a last and final closure for me.

What are your thoughts about that?

Thanks

Whatever you do, I would say that you do it with two things in mind ….

1) You do it with only very personal and self-contained outcomes in mind. By this I mean that your reasons are for you and that you do not expect nor want any reaction from her.

2) You do it being ready for any possible and even impossible reaction from her, because with BPD it is impossible to predict a reaction. Her reaction would likely be contingent on the moment she receives the letter and then reads the letter - and that's not in your control.

Both these things I say for your self protection.

In the meantime, you might consider writing a "burn letter" - one that you write, edit over time as your thoughts change and then burn.  There are sites like "letter to my ex" that provide this on line. The cool thing is that you get to see what others are writing - I found it cathartic.

Good luck.

Rev

Thank you for your answer Rev.

Deep down I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong because I forget, like many of us, that the woman I loved and who idealized me DOES NOT EXIST.
I would say goodbye to a ghost, a mere representation of my mind.
The most plausible thing she would think when receiving that letter would be "Oh, it's that retard again, yeah that guy I dated for some reason, what an idiot I was back then"... And I know I'm expecting something different.

I have to get my s*** together and fast.

Personally, I think this is wise.

And yes - the person you loved likely does not exist.  I find it so hard sometimes to wrap my head around that and I need to take a break - because I end going a little nuts with it all and then the wound starts up all over.

Of course they are going to devalue us - even if there isn't a shred of credibility to it. Personality disorders are so confusing and can be so destructive.

Personally - I invested my time in CBT and it's still an every day battle after 10 months to deprogram my mind from the projective stuff I dealt with. My experience was pretty abusive so I am not sure where I stand vis-à-vis others.

Anyway, good luck with your own journey.

Rev.

she exists. but the idealization was an overstatement of her affections at the time. it was an overstatement, that, like you, i struggled to let go of.

its a little bit like how ive probably, at some point, told all of my girlfriends that theyre "the most beautiful girl in the world".


is this the reason you would be writing the letter? with the hope that it would change/restore her feelings about you?

Hi Once Removed, no, definitely not that, I know enough about BPD know to understand it's just impossible. It's not even to get back with her since like I said, she lives very far now.
I don't know why... It's like my subconscious is still craving for a contact with her, whatever the contact. The stupid subconscious misses the past, it wants that back so much, he wants the good feelings and emotions back.
However, my subconscious doesn't rule my mind and I decided to uncontact her and that there will be no letter sent.

S, if by some miracle you end up reading these lines, know that I always loved you and at no point had any intention to use, destroy or abandon you like you so well convinced yourself.
Hope you will have a great life in the land of the Scotts.


Now, it's really over.