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After several months of on and off talking (we've talked maybe twice in three months), my dBPD ex has reached out to me and wants to see me Friday.

It looks like she may be wanting to work things out; but how do I make sure this time is different? I have zero expectations going into Friday, but I have prepared a list of boundaries to talk about etc if the topic does arise. I want to be prepared with concrete examples, boundaries, asks, etc.

Does anyone have any experiences with rekindling a relationship? Is there anything I should and shouldn't do with my BPD ex? Like do's and don'ts for a first meeting in a long time.

first things first.

listen far more than you speak.

dont come at her with a list of boundaries. thats going to make the prospect of getting back together seem like a chore. it may cause both of you to relitigate the issues of the past.

plan, above all, to show her a good time and have fun. let her lead any relationship talk, if she does so, listen closely, ask clarifying questions to get a sense of where shes coming from, and bring what you learn back here for feedback.

I'm going to echo what Once Removed wrote …. listen …. listen... listen.

It's amazing what comes to the fore when you listen. There's a therapeutic technique that is called "unfocussed listening" - it refers to a T just letting you get to the point where you are confident to start speaking stream of consciousness and get off the script. It's where the true stuff lies.

I can only speak for myself, but I think that if my ex were to call now, I would be so nervous and wanting to say my piece, that I would have a hard time getting to the place of unfocussed listening to really HEAR her - for better or worse - and get a picture.

Unfocussed listening, BTW, is not just about hearing the person who is talking, it is getting in touch how what they are saying is affecting the person who is listening - on more than just a rational level. It takes time and it takes many conversations to get there sometimes.

Good luck.

Hope it goes well in the sense that you are able to get a measure of peace out of it all.

Blessings,

Rev

Thanks all. She ended up bailing and I haven't heard from her much. These things take time I guess. I'm a little bummed, but it is what it is. I saw her start to fade on Wednesday night. She cancelled day of (Friday), and I got a text from her Sunday night saying that she hoped I had a good weekend and she spent all of it crying with a sinus infection. I asked what happened and didn't hear anything back.

I briefly called her Monday to see if she was okay, and she didn't sound that well. She was with her mom and her mom shouted to say hi to me over the phone. No contact since. We'll see what happens next.