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Title: Lesbian GF gone , I think she has BPD ..yes or no , my head is so messed up. Post by: TheTardis on March 11, 2020, 02:18:40 PM Ok here goes.
Last year my long term partner died. This year I met what I thought was a wonderful woman online , I’ll call her Helen ...not her real name.We met a few times in person and got on really well , we talked for hours , stupidly (on reflection ) i opened up my feelings . Eventually we got together and she gradually moved into my house , I was on cloud nine ,we got on so well together . She was staying at rented property only a few miles away and apparently wasn’t happy there , so it made sense for her to move in with me ...again on hindsight it was far too early , but I was smitten. After about 3 weeks I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t sitting well with me...I couldn’t put my finger on it . Gradually she became less loving , definitely had no empathy ( her excuse was that she was from a nursing background , which was true ) , I’d try to hug her or hold her hand when watching TV , I’d of got more reaction from my dog ! I thought that I was being too clingy, possibly asking too much from her too soon , however she use to text me all the time with stuff like “ can’t wait to see you...love you “ she was also spending times with her kids some 150 miles away , usually about 10 days per month ...I’d get texts like “ only 4 more sleeps until I’m with you “ only 3 more sleeps , can’t wait” I know she has a house , she shares with her kids as I’ve been there, but she was so full on with me , I use to be so excited to see her. I still had this gut feeling ...so I started to dig ( the internet is a wonderful tool ) I found out that with a previous partner she’d moved house numerous times , sometimes living on her own , sometimes with her partner , then together , then on her own etc etc, I asked her once about her previous relationship but all she’d really say it was toxic and was very on and off and wouldn’t really expand . Eventually after I think 8 years ( she’s told me it was 12 years , which I doubt ) they separated . She then about 6 months later after her long term relationship married a much younger woman & moved house again , within 1 yr her partner was cheating ( I wonder why ) , Helen found out and confronted her new wife , she denied the affair , Helen then stalked her and eventually threw her out because she WAS having an affair. Since I’ve known Helen she’s never shouted at me , but gives me the silent treatment for hours and hours , shuts down , keeps going on about changing my hair style , you should make yourself more feminine, we should move house, you watch to much TV , you should read more . I noticed that Helen also gets easily bored she’s even admitted that she can’t sit still . I always feel that I need to keep her busy doing stuff. I’ve been so good to her, trips away, gave her my car , I never asked her for money re running the house ( reading what I’m writing seems ridiculous now ) I always felt when she returned to my house that I was walking on egg shells, I’d get anxious. As soon as the relationship seemed to step up another notch she’d run back to her kids , I always felt uneasy texting her ...don’t know why but did. I don’t think she was seeing anyone else due to a serious health issue ( that does exists I know ) Helens house ( 150 miles away ) is clean but wow what a mess , I was shocked , her kids live in it , but they obviously live a chaotic life too and seem as though they can’t cope , to them it seemed the norm , Helen also sleeps in the living room in her house as the kids have the bedrooms. I’ve observed her with her kids she’s very hard on them , doesn’t show them much physical love , but this seems the norm . Anyway it all came to a head , we’d gone away for a few days , we were out for a drink , she started really getting annoyed about my birthday which was 10 weeks away ...banging on about she didn’t know what to buy me ...totally out if the blue ..I just sat there and took it . Eventually after 2 days we came home ...she sat in silence for 4 hours in the car and hardly spoke to me . We got home , the next day she left , she phoned me a week later saying that she couldn’t give me the relationship I wanted and it was over . A few days later she texted me giving me a date she was collecting her property. I’ve not heard from her for 4 days. I’ve noticed that there was a cycle with her about every 10 days she’d shut down with me and run back to the kids , it was as though she needed to get away , however after 6 days with the kids she’d want back with me and a quieter life. Just to add insult to injury She did all the dumping on the anniversary of my partners death too. There are other incidents but I’m worried that it may identify her. BPD ? Title: Re: Lesbian GF gone , I think she has BPD ..yes or no , my head is so messed up. Post by: TheTardis on March 11, 2020, 03:14:26 PM I’d also like to add to my previous
She’s never admitted any wrong doing in her past relationships , it was always their fault for the breakups. Lots of pipe dreams , moving to where I live, starting up her own business, selling her house to be with me. Inviting her friends to stay with us , having her family visit for a holiday , buying a camper van ( had one with previous partner ), the list is endless. I believe that she also has a drink problem , she will say that it’s socialising. Has no real friends other than my friends , her friends seem superficial and are only drinking buddies. Title: Re: Lesbian GF gone , I think she has BPD ..yes or no , my head is so messed up. Post by: babyducks on March 12, 2020, 08:03:09 AM Hello TheTardis,
BPD exists on a spectrum,... some people have only traits, some people have more significant problems with the illness. people with BPD (pwBPD) have harmfully intense emotions that change rapidly. they have an emotional instability where outburst occur almost at random. It's hard for even professionals to say if a person has BPD or not,... the illness overlaps with other mental health problems. I would suggest you do some reading here on this site, both in the workshop area and other peoples posts and see what resonates with you. while I am not qualified to make a diagnosis, what you describe certainly sounds like some one who has forms unstable relationships. You are broken up now? not in contact? I'm sorry. that must be difficult. are you hoping to save the relationship, or to understand what you've just been through? 'ducks Title: Re: Lesbian GF gone , I think she has BPD ..yes or no , my head is so messed up. Post by: TheTardis on March 12, 2020, 02:33:41 PM Hi Ducks
I’m just trying to work out what happened , everything was ok , then the 4 hour wall of silence, walked out the next day . Rang me 5 days later saying it was over , texted me a few days later giving me a date she would be collecting her belongings. Throughout our short relationship I’d often be stonewalled for no reason , after she’d said things like ‘ this relationship is so easy “ “ how did I end up with someone so lovely as you ? “ ...just so confused . Title: Re: Lesbian GF gone , I think she has BPD ..yes or no , my head is so messed up. Post by: babyducks on March 13, 2020, 08:15:00 AM it is very confusing Tardis. I think we have all had that experience. the all or nothing thinking. the loving so intensely and then just as quickly reversing to hating. it makes your head spin.
when I first met my Ex we hit it off like nothing I have ever experienced before. it was over the moon. I thought I had found my soul mate. very quickly though things got weird. there were strange arguments over nothing that I could understand. it was Overidealization (difficulty allowing others to be less than perfect, be vulnerable or make mistakes) …. which is a classic symptom of BPD. for my Ex if I wasn't perfectly meeting her needs, 24/7 then clearly the relationship was horrible, and I was a monster. it was enough to give a person whiplash. how are you doing today? Title: Re: Lesbian GF gone , I think she has BPD ..yes or no , my head is so messed up. Post by: TheTardis on March 14, 2020, 04:24:52 AM Hi
I’m ok , ups and downs , just can’t really work it out as to why she suddenly ran off , I think that’s the problem. I need closure , but I don’t think I’ll ever get it ! Title: Re: Lesbian GF gone , I think she has BPD ..yes or no , my head is so messed up. Post by: babyducks on March 14, 2020, 07:30:37 AM Hi Tardis,
these relationships we find ourselves in aren't like other relationships we have had in the past. most of us try very hard to figure out 'what went wrong', looking for logic or a reason. there is almost never 'one' reason. it's more a pattern of how disordered thinking and disordered behavior runs it's course. have you seen this yet? https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves (https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves) I find some of the description to be ………...yecky………… but it does illustrate the pattern of how a BPD relationship starts off amazing, quickly the best thing in the world,.. and then changes into an unequal partnership with maladaptive behavior and actions. usually on both parts. it took me a long time to see that my EX was repeating a pattern,... a pattern of how she views, and processes life... and that the pattern was going to play out … almost regardless of what I did or didn't do. I would recommend this lesson too... it helped me a lot. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#3 (https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#3) |