BPDFamily.com

Hi.

I suppose that I am just wanting to vent a little bit and perhaps ask for further assistance.

My father was diagnosed as HIV positive about 20 years ago. He was living a closet gay lifestyle whilst still married to my mom.

We had a relatively normal upbringing besides some emotional and physical abuse. My brother and I turned out functional.

The problems started when he divorced my mom and moved in with his first boyfriend. We were glad for him that he was out of the closet and could now live a happy life without being secretive.

The absolute opposite occurred. It wasn’t long before his first boyfriend wanted to leave to embark on a brand new job in a new city. When the boyfriend made that announcement he started with suicide threats and severe emotional blackmail towards his boyfriend, his children and his elderly mother.

At first we would all drop everything we were doing to rush to his “aid” and then eventually it started becoming a joke.

When bulk suicide threats were sent via message, the local police were then called out. The love, care and pity for him vanished.

His boyfriend eventually left. He was a wreck after his time with my father.

He subsequently married another man and it wasn’t long before the emotional abuse started. His spouse has had enough but is being held to ransom with suicide threats if he voiced his desire to leave my father.

My father’s health has taken a decline in the last few months and is nearing full blown AIDS status. Unfortunately his nearest and dearest have run out of emotional steam and feel nothing if not contempt towards him.

Whilst his days on Earth are numbered, I can’t manage to look past his awful manipulations and emotional abuse of the past years. His behaviour has caused extreme anxiety and distress. My knee-jerk reaction is to keep my boundaries firm even with him becoming more physically ill. His behaviour has become increasingly attention-seeking and will create to emergency just so that people can run to his side.

I’m sorry that I feel this way towards him, I don’t think I can help myself. Does anybody have some advice for me?

Hi Gatvol,

Welcome to our online family.  :hi: I'm really sorry that are you going through this. It sounds like it's been a long road for you. You're definitely not alone in what you're feeling. Many here are fed up with the drama and struggle with their emotions towards their pwBPD.

Are you able to have a glimpse of your dad as a person with value and ignore the behavior, yet still maintain healthy boundaries? What might that look like in any interactions you may have with him?

Wools

Gatvol,

I just wanted to say that it's okay to feel what you are feeling.  It is okay to do what is best for you.  What do you think is best for you?  Not what is best for your dad, the rest of your family, or society, just what is the right thing for you.

I have found some of my toughest spots have been when I am squeezed between what I think I should do vs what I want to do.  Once I realized I had trouble in that place I made the choice to choose what I want to do even if someone else doesn't like it.  I find if I choose what I think I should do I resent it.

Hang in there,
Panda39