BPDFamily.com

I have suffered from abandonment issues and very high and irregular emotions for as long as I can remember. My dad left my mom, brother and I when I was just four years old, and it seemed to affect me in a very extreme way. I have had a lot of turmoil in every one of my interpersonal relationships, especially in my intimate relationships. I do this thing where I push-pull people away. I’ll leave them or threaten to leave In the hopes that they reassure me and pull me back in. My emotions have always been heightened and cause me to act in impulsive and somewhat manipulative ways, subconsciously. I can “blow-up” when the smallest inconvenient thing happens to me. I’ll start to scream and cry and I won’t care who sees me In the moment, and I don’t think about the reprocussions or consequences I will ineveitably be facing while I’m in the moment. However, after the panic and “tantrum” I feel remorseful and guilty and frantically attempt to clean up and fix what I broke. I turn to drinking excessively to help cope and “escape” from my reality. This past week I’ve gone through two-three bottles of vodka, which I drink by myself until I fall asleep or throw it all up. I have a guy that I have been dating for six months, and already I’ve broken up with him at least twenty times. I always run back, usually within the next hour or day. I haven’t actually been diagnosed with BPD, but I have gone through all of the symptoms and check every box except the self-harm box. Lately, I have been idiolizing suicide and wishing multiple times a day that I don’t wake up or just die. I don’t have a plan to kill myself thoigh and have never attempted it, just always felt like I would be so much happier if I weren’t here. Is anyone going through anything similar? If so, can you tell me what you’re doing to get through it? I’m in therapy but I have a difficult time opening up to my therapists and tend to just work on surface level issues. Anything will help at this point! Thank you for reading!

Congratulations on taking the first step to healing.  It takes a great deal of courage to seek help!

This site is for family members and relationship partners of BPD sufferers. This is where we learn to support our loved ones, and where we learn to take care of ourselves. Because of this, we do not have the resources to help individuals with BPD, but I encourage you to check out Resources for BPD Sufferers (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/Themes/default/welcome3.html).  You will find links to more appropriate forums, where you will find others like yourself who were brave enough to have taken positive steps towards healing.

I wish you all the best in your healing process.