BPDFamily.com

I am so fed up with the relationship I have with my sibling who has bpd. I’m tired of their mental health and emotional needs being more important than my own (or anyone else in their life). If I even suggest that I’m unhappy with the way they have treated me
/spoken to me I get a rant about how unhappy they are, how hard their life is, how I don’t understand. Am I a horrible person for being exhausted by this? I try to be patient 99% of the time but I feel like they always make everything about them. Ruining birthdays, weddings, and other occasions if it’s not about them.
Am I a horrible person for being exhausted by this?

You are not a horrible person for being exhausted by your sibling with BPD making everything about them. I have two siblings with BPD, and they get furious when the spotlight is not on them, particularly if it is on me. It is exhausting and heartbreaking to be treated as if you don't matter while your sibling demands to have everything be about them. Can you tell us more about your relationship with your sibling and how you learned about BPD? What would you like help with the most, especially now that we are in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic?

We’ve dealt with mental health issues as a family all our lives. Our father had bipolar disorder and was an alcoholic. When he was drunk he was abusive to us and our mother. He eventually took his own life when we were in our late teens. In his suicide note he said he wanted to free us of this life and cycle of abuse but instead my sibling just took over where he left off.  In the current corona virus crisis I’m already juggling working from home and home schooling three children. We are not in lockdown yet where I am but I’m sure it will be soon. I just know my sibling will defy it and probably end up getting arrested which I will then have to sort out.  I want to be supportive but every now and then I just get to the end of my tolerance. I just wanted to reach out to find out if others feel the same way so your reply has really helped.

Hi Whatevs :hi:


No my friend.  You are completely "normal".  None of us can take these bad behavior's indefinitely.  I'm a believer that the behavior of the pwBPD won't get better until we learn how to change our responses to them.


I'm going to challenge this a bit.  Why will you have to sort out their problem?  How will that prevent that particular problem or another one from happening again if you always solve it for them?  What are they really learning from this?

Perhaps the first thing to sort out is your own feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG)?  We have all been effectively brainwashed by our pwBPD, so we all struggle with this the way you are describing here, and we all feel guilty, and bad.  You are not alone.  The challenge for us "nons" is to change how we feel, and learn new strategies to manage a high conflict relationship with the pwBPD.

FOG link:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

There's SO much really good info and lessons on this site.  Explore as many as you can, and you will find it easier to accept that you are not alone, and definitely NOT a horrible person. :hug:

Thank you both so much for your responses. I’ve read the article you suggested and it had been really helpful. I noticed that I already do some of the positive things the article suggests but also plenty of the things it says not to. It’s time to work on me. It’s just been so nice knowing I’m not alone and others understand.