BPDFamily.com

Hi everybody.

My wife has BPD & has been only brushing her teeth on days when she goes to work (2-3 times per week).  I did tell her I do expect her to brush every day.  This seems to have been a problem over the last few months as her depression has gotten worse.  She does go to DBT Therapy weekly.

I did let her know that when she does not brush her teeth I feel sickened, disgusted, anxious, and frustrated.  She claims she hates brushing her teeth because it makes her gag.  She also does not recognize that she sets a bad example for our daughter when she doesn't brush her teeth.

I also have said when she refuses to brush I will also not kiss her.  I also told her I do not find her sexually attractive when she does not brush her teeth regularly.  I asked if there is anything I could do to help or support her & she said no.

At this point I am ready to contact her parents & our minister for advice.  Her behavior has literally been killing our sex life.  Lately she has been showering regularly, so now her problem behavior is brushing her teeth.  Sometimes I think she does stuff like this just to cause conflict.

Do you all have any advice or ideas?  I have also thought about showing her some pictures of rotting teeth.

Well probably I'm not any kind of expert but if it were me, I'd call it out, and ask her, "Are you trying to self- sabotage by not taking care of yourself or sabotage our relationship by avoiding hygiene, or both?" Just to get her thinking... What a flimsy excuse about her gagging. That's BS if you ask me... I'm sorry you're in this dilemma... One would think brushing teeth is just what you do but I know many adults don't do it! Yikes

Here's the deal.  We can invite people to behave in a healthy way, but we cannot make them.  Trying to get someone else to do something they don't want to is usually futile, and nearly always causes conflict.  I totally get that you think it's gross that she's not brushing; I'd find it to be a turnoff, too.

You mentioned that she goes to DBT therapy.  That's fantastic.  Many of our members hope in vain for years to get their partners in therapy, so that's wonderful that you and she have that going for you.  One of the core principles in DBT therapy is accepting the person for who they are, yet acknowledging the need for change.  By threatening to withhold affection if she doesn't do what you want, this runs against that core principle. 

I can relate to your wife in two ways.  First, in suffering from depression during recovery from an abusive relationship.  Second, from being in a relationship with someone who withheld affection if I didn't please her.  On depression -- brushing teeth is self care, and in depression, self care is really really hard.  On withholding affection -- when I heard, "you suck, and I won't give you affection until you don't suck," I felt demotivated -- why bother if I could never please her?  In contrast, I've recently met someone who says, "You're awesome," and occasionally tells me I'd be more awesome if I did something a bit different.  Positive reinforcement is way more effective.  But you must accept the fact that you can't control her behavior.  Inviting her to change may or may not be effective, and it takes time.

Can you tell us more about her depression?  Is she on medications for it?  Does she believe she is depressed?

RC