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Ive been working with a couple therapists on the phone, to try and get help in regards to my borderline ex-girlfriend.(who is currently my friend with benefits).  One is a top BPD therapist, PhD and author.  The other is the YouTube life coach variety.  Both cost roughly $150 per hour, have different viewpoints, but I find each to be helpful.  I was assigned this homework and wanted to share it with everyone.  Perhaps someone can relate, or find value in the exercise. You list what upsets you the most about.your BPD partner, then make a separate list of what you want to change


WHAT UPSETS ME THE MOST:

1) The negativity. When almost every text is complaining, in an exaggerated fashion, of how sick she is or how much pain she is in or how she is a victim of something. 

2) She never seems interested in my life nor genuinely concerned about how I am, yet I am consumed with her life and feelings.

3) Everything is always about her.  If I don't answer the phone, I'm "probably sick of listening to her cough."  If I park off-center in a parking space, I "probably am hinting that she is fat and needs extra room to get out."

4) That for 15 years she has lived a secret kinky BDSM sex life with hundreds of people and never mentioned it to me, and while we were dating, she cheated regularly.

5) That none of her friends know I exist, and she never introduces me to them in public.

6) I've spent thousands of dollars, and countless hours trying to help her, yet each year she has gotten progressively worse.

7) She is flakey, unreliable, and can never make advance plans.

8) She never apologizes, and any form of "sorry" is like, "I'm sorry that you totally misintetpreted everything i said."

9) I hate that about half of what she tells me is a lie, but I never know which half.

10) I hate the passive aggressive texts, ie, "Oookay...whatever, have a good night I guess" to try to elicit a faster response, or as a defense mechanism if she is jealous: "have fun, I'll leave you alone this week. I have plans with some friends anyway so I wouldn't be able to meet."

11) I hate that she has contacted and threatened other women I've dated, and sent them private emails, pics, etc, often trying to get them to leave me. She even told one that she was pregnant with my baby (a lie), just to make her leave.

12) I hate how selfish she can be, sexually.  I've given her dozens of massages, she has given me zero, as an example.  When i asked for one, she just laughed it off.

13) The more she lets me down, the harder I try.

14) I hate that she is so lackadaisical -- doesn't pay bills, misses doctor appointments, keeps her kid out of school just because, litters, parks in handicap spaces, has no concept of how to be a responsible adult, yet manages to regularly criticize others.

15) I often feel like i have to verbally list all of the nice things I've done for her, hoping she will one day suddenly "get it."

16) I've lost several friendships because I've always made her the priority..

WHAT I WANT TO CHANGE:

1) To no longer allow the powerlessness, stress, and jealousy to lead me into risky, unsafe, and unhealthy choices and coping mechanisms like lack of sleep, overeating, reckless gambling, risky sex, and other impulsive acts to numb the pain, or to cause me to lash out at others.

2) To eliminate my kneejerk instinct to always help when she is in crisis mode.

3) To not feel responsible for her failures.

4) To not spend thousands of dollars to try and make her feel better.

5) To learn to speak to her assertively without it turning into a wreck.

6) To stop secretly checking up on her; to be able to not care who she is with, or whether or not she is lying to me.

7) To be able to be with other women without fear of her reaction.

8) I want to be more consistent with my own messaging, ie, not think, 'I never want to see her again' but simultaneously text her "i miss u so much."

9) When she is with other men, I don't want to feel like I've failed or lost a competition.

10) I want to not allow myself to be baited into vicious text arguments.

11) I want to.be able to walk away for a few days and not feel the need to "talk her off the ledge," or apologize and beg her to forgive me.  I want to be able to simply go away.

12) Most important, I wan't to feel I'm living for myself, not her, and I no longer can allow the negativity to emotionally suck me dry.

Can you describe how you imagine your life in the future, whether or not she has a place in it?

In addition to Cat's question I don't believe I saw you addressing "wanting" to change the above issue.

Was that an oversight or is this part of the relationship you desire to keep?

Good job on the homework and lists!  It helps us take a look at what you are thinking.

Best,

FF

FF, you pose a wonderful queation.  I think ultimately what has kept our relationship somewhat together is that i keep trying harder, doing more, giving more, hoping to finally be good enough for her.  If she were to stop disappointing me, i would probably feel i axcomplished my goal, and my brain would no longer feel the need to desperately cling to her.  But because i feel i have unfinished business, i end up torturing myself every day.  Cognitively, i am aware of this, yet I cant let go. 

The splitting trait, while it is one we often look down upon, i wish i had it in this case and could use it to help me walk away. "She is bad, I'm done."  Its sadly not that easy for me. But when i go back and read that list, i think, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH HER STILL"?  The list is awful.

Cat Familiar,

I truly believe that for me to have a healthy life in the future, she can't be in it at all.  I know there is some debate on whether cold turkey is the only way, or if it is possible to stay friends, and sadly I believe cold turkey is the only feasible option for me. This makes it very difficult.

I start thinking of it like this: the idealized version of her, which i have held for 15 years, essentially will have died. I need to grieve this loss, and realize that the person I wanted her to be isn't the person she is. When she is out of my life, it will feel like she died and that makes me sad.

My very well-respected borderline therapist makes it seem so easy. "Just call and tell her goodbye and never respond to her again."  Yes, that would accomplish my ultimate goal, but jeez it seems so immeasurably cruel. I'm in this situation precisely because I am not a cruel person. I have too much empathy.

So the short answer is -- in my fantasy future life, she is in it and mentally healthy. But in my reality, she cant have any part of my future. It's awful.

Are you open to discussing this more?  Perhaps looking deeper at some of  your reasons.

Best,

FF

Absolutely. I was raised by parents who avoided conflict and confrontation. I was taught not to fight, to be kind to the kids at school who bullied me, and i grew up needing to please my parents.  I made choices for them, not me.  I didnt get a job in high school because my dad said my job was to get good grades and be successful.  I was never able to make my own mistakes.  If i wanted ice cream, my mom would say "you dont want that, its bad for you." And i would believe i didnt want it.  Even as an adult, each time i made a decision i wondered, would they approve? Would others approve? So i found joy by pleasing others, and never really felt in control of my own life.  I would use sex as a temporary escape and type of control, and that promiscuity is what led me to my BPD gf.  We met online in a sex chatroom, way back in 2003.
   

So here’s your new homework assignment:

Imagine what you’d like your life to look like.
Where do you want to live?
What do you want to do for work?
What do you enjoy doing for recreation?
Who do you spend time with?
If you have a romantic partner, what is your relationship like?
What other activities/interests are important to you?

do i have it right that the two of you are exes (formerly exclusive) and now friends with benefits?

a friends with benefits situation has very little loyalty, if any (and even less with the baggage that comes from a breakup). its generally a situation where you get together, and mess around.

my sense of your post is that you want more commitment, that you want to improve the standing of your relationship.

its just not going to happen in the context of where things are right now.

improving the situation, whether that means pulling back and adapting, or improving the relationship, or getting out altogether are all very different paths.

which way are you leaning?