Title: Been a rough week with the NC Post by: ProudDad12 on April 02, 2020, 02:58:47 PM This has been one of those weeks that really try me and my sense of morality. Got a text from someone I don't know on Sunday telling me my mom fell and broke her leg in 3 places, and was going to the hospital for surgery in a few days, and no one could go with her due to COVID-19. I had no idea what to do with that. I didn't respond to the person. I knew my mom would be OK, and I know my FOO tends to use things like this as a "catalyst to brush everything under the rug".
Side note, both my wife and I separately wondered if A) My dad had anything to do with it (based on prior things my mom told us) or B) Her fall was related to self medicating and alcohol. I hate thinking that way but I do. And I have to actively fight the idea that if it was the second one, she was doing that because of our NC. I didn't know what to do, or if I should do anything. Because my FOO has shown us time and time again that ANY contact or acknowledgement mobilizes the flying monkeys and commences the harassment and guilt tactics to come back. So I ended up doing nothing, noting that I didn't feel the need for them to know when my daughter broke her arm. I wasn't sure what to do so I prayed for my mom and family (then sarcastically thought to myself "thoughts and prayers" and felt bad). Monday I get a text from my mom's cousin saying the same thing, but added that my dad's health is bad. So I talked to my uncle (dad's brother), who had heard about my mom but the health part was news to him. So I wasn't sure if my mom's cousin had joined the ranks of flying monkeys and FOG throwers. I didn't know if I should respond to her. But thanks to a completely awful and crazy week at home, I got swept up in the day and it was suddenly nighttime and too late to respond. So I didn't, and felt like an a-hole. Tuesday I got word my mom's surgery went well (from outside sources). Crazy week of work/life still keeping me at edge of sanity, so I mostly kept thoughts of it in back of my head. Wednesday I'm trying to keep my head above water with work when I get an email from my dad at work simply saying "You're a real piece of work". Well like he has a tendency to do, his comment hit me straight in the gut, went directly to my heart, and I was useless the rest of the day. I was already feeling guilty for my inaction, despite being worried any action would cause problems. Somehow, several respected people who aren't afraid to shoot us straight telling me "do nothing" wasn't really helping. It was just one of those bad situations where normal right and wrong doesn't quite fit in the context of my FOO, and the end result was me beating myself up quite severely. My wife and I finally had an emotional heart to heart last night, and I'm trying my best to use the help I'm getting to get myself in a better place. It's just hard, and it ticks me off that my dad, a man I've lost respect for can get to me so badly. So bottom line, I guess this is a good opportunity to try to put my money where my mouth is from my other thread. Title: Re: Been a rough week with the NC Post by: zachira on April 02, 2020, 03:07:16 PM I am sorry you have had a rough week with the NC. What I have learned from dealing with my mother and two siblings with BPD is that it is best if others with whom my family members with BPD are able to have superficial relationships are the ones to respond to whatever is going on with my family members with BPD. Certain people especially those family members who are closest will always be targets of the person with BPD's rage, whereas with people whom the BPD wants to look good in front of, the person with BPD will try to be on their best behavior. You are doing a great job in staying NC with your mom, and it will get easier emotionally as time passes.
Title: Re: Been a rough week with the NC Post by: Methuen on April 03, 2020, 12:34:53 AM Excerpt Got a text from someone I don't know on Sunday telling me my mom fell and broke her leg in 3 places, and was going to the hospital for surgery in a few days, and no one could go with her due to COVID-19. I had no idea what to do with that. I didn't respond to the person. I knew my mom would be OK, and I know my FOO tends to use things like this as a "catalyst to brush everything under the rug". Side note, both my wife and I separately wondered if A) My dad had anything to do with it (based on prior things my mom told us) or B) Her fall was related to self medicating and alcohol. Good rational thinking here. Excerpt So I ended up doing nothing, noting that I didn't feel the need for them to know when my daughter broke her arm. This sounds like progress! :wee: Excerpt Tuesday I got word my mom's surgery went well (from outside sources). See you were right! Excerpt "You're a real piece of work" Next time one of these emails comes to you from your dad at work, do you think you could try hitting the "delete" button, and see how that feels? Excerpt It was just one of those bad situations where normal right and wrong doesn't quite fit in the context of my FOO, and the end result was me beating myself up quite severely. Ick. The good news is you are "aware". I think most of us can recognize there was a time earlier in our lives when we weren't aware. I'm with Zachira. Stick to your NC. I agree it gets easier. What jumped out at me, as suggestive of manipulative behavior, was that someone you don't know texted you that your mom had fallen. Big red flag there (with your family history). You didn't take the bait on their fishing line. Well done. I celebrate with you. Hold your course steady! Title: Re: Been a rough week with the NC Post by: Notwendy on April 03, 2020, 06:29:22 AM It's tough PD.
My FOO also uses a situation to sweep everything under the rug. They do that in general. I call is the dry erase board method. All is good now... As to your Dad, I know it hurt. My Dad said some really mean things to me. Consider how they cope. You aren't around. The reason can't be them. It has to be you. In a similar dilemma, when my Dad was sick, and I would visit, BPD mom would be verbally abusive to me and he'd rage at me. I was not in a position to deal with this. I was grieving too. He was sick and it was hard to imagine not having my Dad around. I could understand the anger, it's a normal process of the situation he was in. But I couldn't manage the verbal and emotional abuse, so I had to limit my visits. Then they decided to paint me as a horrible person. I became the horrible daughter who wasn't there for them. Like you, I struggled emotionally and morally. I am not a bad person. But does being a good child to my parents mean I have to submit to their will and allow them to abuse me? I don't think so. Like you, I also decided that my kids needed a mother and I needed to preserve my own sanity so I could be the parent they need. Your kids need their Dad. I felt I was choosing between pleasing my father and the best interest of my family. How can either choice feel OK? It doesn't. Of course, I chose my own family, but there was grief too. Title: Re: Been a rough week with the NC Post by: ProudDad12 on April 03, 2020, 01:28:29 PM Thank you everyone so much. I'm really glad I can come here and vent, have a sounding board with others who actually understand what this stuff is like, and receive help to improve myself.
zachira, you're exactly right. I'm really grateful that my FOO is willing to maintain a superficial relationship with my uncle, even if it's thin and exchanges are short. It helps us to get any information we actually need, and to get something closer to "truth" in times like these. Methuen, you're right, I should have hit the delete button. My wife took the blame on that one and apologized profusely later... I told her about the email, and she read it and laughed. And told me to look at it, thinking I'd laugh too. Since she was raised in a more emotionally healthy home, it's not always obvious to her what will hurt and what doesn't. And it really was an innocuous comment to anyone on the outside. Unfortunately, despite his outright hateful and childish behavior through these months, he still "has a way" to get me, even with stupid comments like the one in the email. I'm thinking to create some Outlook rules for these things. I've been hesitant to delete these emails just for sake of record if we ever need it. I need to maybe filter them to a buried folder, but also need to do it in a way that it doesn't become this ominous Pandora's Box staring me in the face during the day and making me wonder what's in there. Notwendy, you're right, it does hurt. I'm sorry you had to go through similar. I guess it hurts more since it is our parents. They're supposed to be the examples. They're supposed to be the unconditional source of love. While I wasn't a victim of physical abuse beyond being punished via belt, I can't say I remember if/when I felt safe around my parents. I wasn't worried of being hit, it was just the FOG that could inexplicably reduce me to a child. I've always been scared of what they were going to say, or how they were going to guilt or pressure me. While I still struggle with some of this stuff, what's frustrating is knowing if I chose to play at my dad's level, I could say any number of things floating in my head and deliver some pretty deadly blows to him and his narcissistic ego. After all, I am his son and "learned from the best". But I'm not that kind of person and I don't want to hurt him, even if he doesn't seem to give a care to what he does to me. I'm choosing to be a better man than my dad, even if it results in him being ashamed of me (which he's also said before). I don't say that out of bragging but to state where my sights are set. In any event, as I remind myself and as you all are kindly helping me to remember, it's not about him, it's about me, my wife, and our kids. So I'm working to focus on us. Thanks again everyone. I'm in a better place today and really hoping I can keep it that way. Title: Re: Been a rough week with the NC Post by: shield-me on April 03, 2020, 01:59:47 PM Sorry ProudDad12, BPD family members are a pain! I have a BPD sibling, it's awful, abuse hell. I try using the grey rock method (NC).
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